The Old Wooden Spoon

[Shannon Johan]

In our kitchen stays hidden this ridiculously large wooden spoon we got in a set of utensils as a wedding present. Now when I say large, I mean comically big. I’m talking like the size of a small paddle from school(back in the day when teachers could paddle without fear of a lawsuit). And when I say hidden, I mean, I have to constantly move it around so that the hubs can’t find it and throw it out, because after all, this spoon has bruised his balls more than a few times over the years.

It really all started when we opened the presents after getting back from our honeymoon years ago. Jokingly he said, “What is this for? Me to spank you with????” To which I replied, “Don’t tempt me with a good time! But that works both ways you know!” And we had a good laugh and put it away never to really be used. Ever. Funny how most wedding presents are that way, huh?
Anyway, fast forward to after our arguments about vasectomy started and I began busting my darling hubby’s nuts pretty much daily: There he was bent over under the sink trying to figure out what was wrong with the disposal- his junk pressed tightly against the gym pants I’d bought him for his birthday. OH. MY. GOD. The temptation is too much for me and since we’d just discussed his little procedure the night before to his what would become usual response of “I’ll get around to it....” I ask him, “Hey babe, you need any help?” He then asked me to get him a screwdriver out of the junk drawer. “Ok”. You know what is on the countertop by the junk drawer??? Yup, the canister that has all the wooden utensils including the paddling spoon! SMACK!!! The sound that thing makes when it connects with his balls is very distinct and nothing short of satisfying on so many levels. “So how about that snip snip now?” I ask though I’m not sure if he heard me over his grunts and moans. “Did you have to hit both of them??? Fuck!” He managed to cry out. “Yes. Here’s your screwdriver.” And I walked out to go do something else with the spoon in my pocket.
Later after he’d fixed the disposal and iced his swollen balls, I’m sure, he came looking for me. “You used that thing on me?! For fucks sake!” He asked when he saw the spoon in my back pocket. “Yes, and I’m going to keep it handy for when I need it again!” I told him. “Well as soon as you put it up, I’m throwing that thing out!” Fat chance, hubs! I’m never telling where I hide it, I think to myself!
So now this has become a fun little kitchen game for us. The hubby is loading the dishwasher? Smack! Peeking in the oven? Slap!! Getting something out of the bottom drawer of the fridge? Spatt!!! Oh, and once I figured out to turn the spoon with the cupped side towards his balls, he said it really connects with both and kind of “curves around to get the sides too”. And believe me, I have inspected after a good lick with this big heavy spoon and it leaves a nasty bruise and makes his nuts swell up bigger than normal! That may sound evil. In fact just reading it back, it honestly does, but keep in mind this is all because he refuses to go get a vasectomy. The pain can and will stop whenever he wants it to I always reassure him after I use the swatting spoon on him.

[Tyler McNaughten]

Wow!

[NathanB]

You have the best stories! 

As I watch the NFL playoffs, I often  think of your bb play call where you scored the winning touchdown. :)    

[Andy Lee]

I'm curious to see how big this spoon actually is, haha. Would you be able to upload a pic (with a banana for scale? lol). Make sure he never finds it, or it's going to disappear, haha.

[Liquid Metal]

Maybe he just wants you to keep doing it, and thinks you will stop if he gets the vasectomy done..