Egg Breakers (Chapters 8–9)

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Chapter 8

I heard lots of laughter from the kitchen as I came downstairs—it stopped as soon as I entered the doorway.

“He’s here,” Lizzie whispered as she stifled a giggle.

“There he is.” Mom pulled a pan out from behind her back. “Ready for your big match today?”

“Yeah,” I said while filling a glass of water, “you better be ready to lose.”

Mom gave me a huge smile as she crossed her eyes and cracked two eggs into the pan.

Lizzie cracked up. “Did you see her break those eggs?”

“How could he miss it?” Mom laughed and waved the pan in my face. “Do you need me to break two more?” She kicked into the air.

“He only has two. Every day.” Lizzie almost fell out of her chair. “Right, Joshy Woshy?”

I sat down in my seat. “If mom doesn’t want to lose, she should be training right now instead.”

Mom started cooking the eggs. “Just wait until you see my secret moves. You’ll be shaking in your boots!”

“Don’t give away our secrets,” Lizzie said. “After you went upstairs, I trained mom on all your biggest weaknesses.”

“I don’t have any weaknesses!” I said. “My form is perfect!”

Lizzie crossed her eyes and laughed. I kicked her leg.

Mom turned around and placed the eggs on my plate. “I don’t know, Lizzie is a fantastic trainer.”

“Even better than Joshy’s sensei!” Lizzie kicked my leg back.

“And I have a secret weapon.” Mom sat down and placed her feet on the table. “I had these made just for you!”

Her socks said ‘Egg Breaker’ on them.

“Those are mom’s new favorite socks!” Lizzie reached over and covered ‘Breaker’. “And you’ll be eating these too!”

“She’s right.” Mom laughed as she waved them over my plate, almost touching my eggs with them. “You’re eating them right now!”

It was amazing eating eggs after so long without them, but my appetite disappeared.

“And do you like the color?” mom asked. “Lizzie told me brown would blend in, making it harder to see my kicks.”

Lizzie smirked. “He won’t see them coming!”

I pushed my plate away. “I’m all done. I have to go upstairs and practice.”

“But you didn’t finish your—” Mom waved her ‘Egg’ sock in my direction as they both laughed.

* * *

The drive home from karate was unbearable. It was full of trumpet noises, and she even crossed her eyes as she asked if any of the girls at karate hit me today.

As we pulled into the driveway, I didn’t even wait for the car to stop before I dove out and rushed to my room.

I gave my pillow the biggest beating for an hour. Lizzie would pay for coming up with this idea.

“Joshy Woshy!” mom sang from downstairs. “Get into your corner and wait for your opponent!”

I could hear trumpet noises coming from the kitchen as I walked down the steps. Nobody was in the living room, so I sat down on the couch. Lizzie peeked around the corner to see where I was.

“Okay,” Lizzie whispered into the kitchen, “he’s ready.”

Mom turned the corner holding a pan while in full karate gear.

Lizzie trumpeted behind her while holding the trophy in midair, copying mom’s moves from Round 1.

“And the champ enters,” Lizzie said. “The crowd roars!”

Mom laughed as she kicked out her leg with each step. When they reached the middle of the living room, she reached into the trophy and took out a few eggs.

“See these?” Mom waved them in my direction, then cracked them into the pan.

Lizzie crossed her eyes and held her crotch, then fell to her knees.

Both of them laughed so hard.

I stared at mom’s foot pads. She wasn’t even used to them, she could barely move properly in those things. This was going to be easy.

They then both plopped onto the couch.

Mom laughed. “We practiced that entrance last night!”

“And here’s her,” Lizzie raised both her feet, “number 1—”

“—fan for,” mom raised hers, “Egg-Breaker Mom!”

They wiggled their toes as they both cackled. They crossed their legs and recreated mom’s kicks from last night.

They both laughed as they hugged each other. “Best entrance ever!”

This was going to be an even easier cakewalk than expected.

Lizzie stood on the couch and pointed at me. “And in this corner, the loser, the worst, the can’t-even-beat-his-own-sister… Joshy Woshy!” She booed.

“And in this corner,” Lizzie pointed as mom walked like a model, “the greatest, the strongest, the destroyer of eggs… Egg-Breaker Mom!”

Mom posed as Lizzie cheered. “I really hope Joshy Woshy brought a cup today.” She threw a few knees into the air.

“Low blows are allowed,” Lizzie said. “I repeat, low blows are allowed!”

“It’s okay, honey.” Mom laughed as she looked at me. “I’m just teasing you. I want to be a grandmother one day.”

“Can’t make babies without eggs!” Lizzie broke an egg into the pan and laughed.

“Are you two done?” I said.

Mom laughed and nodded.

Lizzie jumped off the couch and raised the trophy in the air, strutting around. “Round 2. Ding ding ding!”

I didn’t even budge as mom wobbled towards me. By the time she reached me, she looked completely out of breath—probably because of all the showboating.

She threw a kick—it barely reached my knee. I swatted it away with my foot.

“And mom goes in for the attack! Joshy Woshy is on the ropes!”

She kicked again. I just stepped to the side, then walked around her to the other side of the arena.

“And the biggest loser runs away scared!” Lizzie booed.

Mom slowly turned around and wobbled back towards me.

She threw another weak kick.

I easily knocked it away.

A punch for my arm.

Knocked it away.

Kick my ankle.

Blocked.

She wasn’t smiling anymore, and looked frustrated at the bulkiness of her foot pads.

Lizzie made the crowd roar. “And she has him scared like a little girl in the corner!”

I felt bad.

Mom threw a weak punch for my stomach. I let it land.

“And the champ lands a hit!” Lizzie cheered. “Is the loser on his way down?”

I deflected mom’s next punch towards my shoulder. “Come on, mom. You can do better than this.”

I stepped around her, and backed up towards the couch.

“And the loser runs away again!” Lizzie messed with my hair, then sat down and laughed. “She’ll for sure get him this time!”

I waited until mom hobbled over again, then raised my fists.

My crotch exploded in terrible pain.

“Ouch! A number 1 fan just got him right in the eggs!”

I looked down and saw Lizzie’s foot disappear right as my hands reached my balls. I collapsed onto the ground, right in front of mom.

“And Joshy Woshy goes down! The crowd roars!”

“Lizzie!” Mom knelt down and rubbed my back. “Why the hell did you do that?”

“I thought you needed some help.”

Mom rubbed the back of my head. “Are you okay, sweetie?”

I groaned into the carpet, trying to get onto my hands and knees.

“Okay. Fight over.” Mom glared at Lizzie. “You’re grounded for a week.”

“But I didn’t do it. Your fan did!”

I brushed mom’s hand away. “It’s okay, mom. I’ll be fine.”

“Are you sure?”

I slowly stood up, feeling a painfully dull ache in my gut. “Yeah, let’s continue the match.”

Mom continued rubbing my back and giggled slightly. “Well, that was one way to even out the match.”

“So does that mean I’m not grounded?” Lizzie smirked.

“Well,” mom laughed as she crossed her eyes, “my number 1 fan just used my number 1 signature move. And Joshy Woshy looks all right. We really should get him a cup.”

“Yeah, I think he’ll need it with the two of us around!” Lizzie pressed her foot into my back and shoved me into the ring. “And the epic battle continues!”

I stumbled, but regained my footing. I could feel pain radiating through my stomach. A kick in my butt launched me forward, and I collapsed into the other couch.

“And she gets him good!” Lizzie cheered as she jumped onto the couch and touched my ear with her toe.

I jerked my head away as I rolled off the couch.

“The crowd is really helping me out today.” Mom held out her pretend microphone, spun, and pointed towards the imaginary crowd. “I wouldn’t be able to win without each and every. One. Of. You.”

“And the crowd loves mom’s speech!” Lizzie ran behind mom and held the microphone out. “How does it feel to be a fan favorite?”

“I love it,” mom yelled into Lizzie’s microphone. “I love to please the crowd. The louder they cheer, the worse Joshy Woshy seems to be!”

Lizzie clapped as they both laughed.

I needed to put an end to this. I grabbed a pillow off the couch and launched it as hard as I could right for Lizzie’s face.

It smashed right into mom’s nose.

“Joshua!” Mom moved as fast as lightning and grabbed my ear.

Lizzie booed as she jumped on top of the couch in her announcer position. “Good thing this number 1 fan ducked. But now Joshy Woshy’s in huge trouble!”

Mom dragged me by the ear and sat down on the couch. “Why the hell did you try to ruin my fun?”

“I aimed—”

“For mom’s nose?” Lizzie snickered as she picked up the pillow. “The evidence is right here!”

Mom twisted my ear a little, then smacked her palm lightly onto my forehead.

“And she goes in for the win!” Lizzie giggled as she cheered.

“But I was aiming for—”

“My face.” Mom patted my cheeks hard. “How does the great Joshy Woshy feel now?”

I tried bending away, but her grip was iron-tight.

“After that stunt, you’re grounded for a week. Is that clear?”

She twisted my ear and I nodded.

“Crystal?”

I nodded.

She let go. “Okay, I’m all rested up.”

I took a few steps back and bumped into Lizzie. She put me in a chokehold and slammed the pillow into my balls.

“And the crowd roars as the number 1 fan made her way back into the ring. They want to see the finisher!”

Mom raised her socks, she wiggled her toes and laughed. “Well, I have to please my fans.”

“And I gave him a cup too!” They both laughed.

I struggled against Lizzie’s arms and began punching her.

Mom pretended like she leaned on something, she struck a pose, and then walked down the runway towards me. “And the crowd goes wild!”

Lizzie pulled the pillow away last second and shoved me forward.

Mom’s foot rocketed into my balls.

“Oh my goodness, honey.” Mom dove to the ground and started rubbing my back. “I’m so sorry!”

“Ouch!” Lizzie placed her foot-pillow under my cheek as she held her microphone in my face. “How does it feel to get your eggs broken?”

“Are my grandchildren okay?”

“Will I be able to be an aunty?”

I couldn’t think straight. I continued groaning into the floor. And all I could smell was this disgusting foot-pillow.

“Well,” Lizzie nudged her foot under my ribs and rolled me over, “the match isn’t over until she does her victory pose and I count from 10.”

Mom looked down at me and rubbed my hair.

“Come on, mom.” Lizzie pulled on mom’s arm to drag her up. “The crowd can’t wait!”

Mom looked concerned, but she stood up. “I’m sorry Joshy Woshy, but rules are rules. I’ll give you your favorite ice cream right after.”

Mom placed her foot gently on my stomach.

Lizzie started counting down slowly.

“Come on mom, do the finishing move I did!”

“But I’ll crush him.”

“You already crushed his eggs!” Lizzie laughed. “And it can’t be worse than that!”

Mom prodded my stomach a little.

Lizzie started cheering. “The crowd wants it! The crowd goes wild! I’ll even help you balance like you did for me.”

Mom gingerly stepped her other foot on my chest. “Are you okay down there?”

I groaned as Lizzie shoved a microphone in mom’s face.

“How does it feel to win by special move?”

“It felt great to finally use it again after all these years.”

Lizzie laughed.

“My opponent should have known to wear his cup.” Mom crossed her eyes as she looked down at me.

“And how did you feel when your number 1 fan entered the ring?” Lizzie placed her foot on my forehead as she leaned the microphone closer.

Mom pointed her finger around the room. “Well I love all my fans. Especially my number 1.”

“Aww, thanks mom.” She gave mom a huge hug. “Just one more question before the countdown finishes.”

Lizzie twisted her foot.

“Will you make the 3rd place loser kiss your foot?”

Mom burst into laughter. “Well, we did make him do it after Round 1. Is that what the crowd wants?”

Lizzie cheered and pumped up the imaginary crowd.

Mom looked down at me.

“Sorry, honey, the crowd always gets what they want.”

Chapter 9

“So how are my grandkids today?”

Lizzie laughed as mom placed breakfast in front of me. “I don’t know if I’ll ever have nieces and nephews after what you pulled last night!”

I ate my food and continued staring out the window. I couldn’t look at them.

“Why did you kick so hard last night?” Lizzie laughed.

“I was trying to kick the pillow away lightly, and those pads threw me off,” mom said. “You know I would never have done that to you for real, right?”

I continued staring.

“But he just accidentally stepped forward at the wrong time. It was all a horrible accident.” Mom reached over and rubbed my arm.

“Yeah,” Lizzie said, “horrible time to use that amazing black belt escape move I taught you, right Joshy Woshy?”

“If only he was one step back,” mom giggled as she crossed her eyes, “it would have never happened!”

Lizzie laughed. “And if he only had eyes in the back of his head, the number 1 fan wouldn’t have been able to get him either!”

“His eyes actually did cross for that one!” Mom and Lizzie laughed so hard they almost choked.

My eyes barely left the window. I needed to finish these eggs, and get the hell out of here.

“I had these made just for you.” Mom passed me some ‘3rd Place Loser’ socks. “Sadly, Egg-Breaker Mom had to downgrade you.”

Lizzie ran around the table and held a microphone to my mouth. “How does it feel to be a loser ranked below his mom and sister?”

I pushed Lizzie’s hand away, but she forced it back.

“And how does it feel to be a karate master,” she giggled, “who lost to a mom who hasn’t fought anyone ever?”

“Can I go practice now, mom?”

“No time for practice. You have to vacuum the living room,” mom said. “Aunt Nikki is coming over today.”

“Aunt Nikki!?” Lizzie gave mom a huge hug and kiss. “Why didn’t you tell us sooner?”

“I planned to tell you right after he got his gift.”

“Thanks for the gift, mom. But no thanks.” I tossed the new socks across the table.

Lizzie booed, then moved the microphone to mom. “And how does that make you feel?”

“Hurt.” Mom ripped the socks off the table. “But he knows his place.”

“Beneath us?”

“Yes,” mom said.

“And we use him as a step to climb our way to the top?”

“To the very top.”

* * *

Since mom wasn’t picking me up from karate practice today, I had a few extra hours to kill.

After class, I asked sensei how to counter chokeholds and how to fight two opponents at once. He demonstrated multiple escape techniques. When he asked me what it was for, I told him I wanted to be the best karate master—no way I could tell him the real truth.

As I walked in the door, I heard incredible laughter.

“There’s my favorite nephew.” Aunt Nikki stepped over the couch, almost tripping, and gave me a huge hug.

“And there’s my favorite aunt.” I gave her a kiss. Mom must’ve given her a little too much of her favorite wine. “I haven’t seen you in a while.”

“Last time I saw you, you were this high.” Aunt Nikki raised her foot to her knee. “Or maybe this high.” She tried lifting her foot higher.

I caught her as she almost fell over. “Actually, you saw me last year. My birthday, remember?”

“Did you just come from karate? I hear you’re turning into a real master.” She plucked at my green belt. “But this doesn’t look black to me.”

“Josh,” mom said as she turned around on the couch, “please bring your aunt back in here. I think we need to get the sleeping bag set up.”

I wrapped Aunt Nikki’s arm around my shoulder as I dragged her back to the couch.

“Lizzie,” mom yelled into the kitchen, “could you get some water please?”

“Already done.” Lizzie turned the corner with two glasses of water.

“Don’t I just have the greatest niece ever?” Aunt Nikki plopped onto the couch. “And isn’t she a black belt?”

“I am,” Lizzie snickered as she offered the water, “unlike Joshy Woshy.”

Mom rolled out the sleeping bag as Lizzie gave her water too.

“And she’s not just the greatest niece,” mom kissed her, “she’s the greatest daughter too.”

Why the hell did everyone always say how great Lizzie is. Can’t they see the devil like I can?

I turned for the steps when Aunt Nikki grabbed my arm.

“Come sit down with your favorite aunt, only for a few minutes.”

“It’s okay,” I said, “I have to get changed out of my karate clothes.”

“Yeah,” mom said, “he fought us both right here.”

Aunt Nikki laughed. “What?”

“Yep, right in this very living room!” Lizzie laid down on the other couch, resting her feet on her foot-pillow.

“Who won?”

“Us, of course.” Mom laughed.

“I thought you were a karate master?” Aunt Nikki yanked my green belt and giggled.

“Hold that thought!” Mom ran upstairs, giggling.

Lizzie smirked at me. “He practices a lot, but he really isn’t as good as he says he is.”

“Didn’t you say he practices in his room every day?” Aunt Nikki looked at me and smirked. “Or are you really doing something else in your room?”

“Like what? Sniffing our dirty laundry?”

They both cracked up. Aunt Nikki had a dirty mind, she loved horrible jokes like that.

“Josh,” Aunt Nikki patted my arm, “please help finish setting up my bed. I think I’m going to need it soon. Love you.”

I’m tired, I’m sweaty, I still need to change. Why couldn’t she ask her oh so wonderful and perfect niece?

“Of course, Aunt Nikki,” I gave her my biggest smile, “I’ll get on that right away.”

She yawned and stretched her feet, kneading them into the foot-pillow.

Mom turned the corner making trumpet noises.

“And yesterday’s champion arrives!” Lizzie sat up on the couch and laughed.

Mom jumped onto the couch and raised her feet in the air. “You mean, Egg-Breaker Mom.”

“And her number 1 fan!” Lizzie whipped around and raised her feet.

Mom and Lizzie did their entire entrance all over again, this time for Aunt Nikki’s pleasure. She clapped and cheered even louder than mom—I didn’t think that was possible.

Aunt Nikki finally stopped laughing. “How did you get that name?”

“Well mom makes eggs for Joshy’s breakfast every day,” Lizzie said. “And she breaks two eggs each time.”

Mom laughed. “And remember those twins? Back in the club?”

“How could I forget?” Aunt Nikki laughed as she kicked her leg out.

Mom and Lizzie giggled as they crossed their eyes. “Well I was telling both of them about our old escapades, and how to protect themselves!”

I finished rolling out the sleeping bag, then rushed for the steps as quickly as I could.

“Josh,” Aunt Nikki laughed, “are those the four dirty socks you sniff while you’re practicing?”

“Actually,” mom wiggled her toes, “he did smell these.”

“And these too!” Lizzie cracked up. “Except mom was wearing them too!”

Aunt Nikki jumped off the couch like a missile, and wrapped her arm around me. “This’ll only take a moment, I promise. I need to hear the truth. I know how much they love to exaggerate and lie.”

“I really have to get upsta—”

“Upstairs to practice?” Aunt Nikki pulled me back in. “Not on my watch.”

“But I have to brush my—”

“You stick them in your mouth too? Gross. I would have to brush my teeth after that too!”

All three women cackled as Aunt Nikki dragged me back and pressed me to the couch.

I wanted to die. It was already bad enough with two, but now it was going to be three women discussing super uncomfortable subjects around me.

“Now, before we were rudely interrupted…” Aunt Nikki squeezed my arm. “Continue with your story. He was sniffing your socks.”

“Well Round 1,” Lizzie said, “I defeated Joshy Woshy.”

“Of course,” Aunt Nikki said. “You’re a black belt, he’s not.”

“And then the number 1 fan, and announcer,” mom stood on the couch and held a microphone, “that’s me.”

“Got to decide the loser’s punishment.” Lizzie giggled.

“Is this true?” Aunt Nikki asked.

I nodded.

“So what was the punishment?”

“Well I had to think,” mom pushed Lizzie out of the way and laid on the couch, “and you know how I think my best with my foot-pillow.”

Aunt Nikki nodded. “Always have.”

“So I rested my feet on the comfiest thing available. That’s that!”

Aunt Nikki cracked up. “Lizzie, you smashed his face so hard it looked like her pillow?”

Everyone laughed. I felt my skin burning.

“Yep,” Lizzie held her stomach, “that is a fact.”

“It’s true,” Aunt Nikki patted my cheeks, “his little red face doesn’t lie!”

Lizzie ripped the imaginary microphone out of mom’s hands.

“And then Round 2, mom defeated Joshy Woshy easily.”

Aunt Nikki squished my cheeks. “And how did that one happen?”

“Accident,” I said.

“It’s true!” Mom did her runway model walk. “Egg-Breaker Mom walked into the middle of the ring.”

“And broke some eggs!” Lizzie crossed her eyes.

I felt like lava as they cackled like never before.

“Your own mom got you?” Aunt Nikki winced, but still stifled a giggle.

“Those red cheeks don’t lie!” Lizzie laughed.

I wanted to smash her teeth in, but I sat there, feeling my throat close.

Mom raised her foot slightly off the ground. “So I’m thanking my fans—”

“With the foot that just kicked his balls?”

Everyone laughed at Aunt Nikki’s question as I melted into the couch.

“Incredibly long story short,” Lizzie said, “the crowd wanted it, so mom delivered.”

Aunt Nikki looked at me and couldn’t help but smile. “Is that true?”

I couldn’t speak. My mouth was full of burning cotton.

I nodded.

“But if that’s true…” Aunt Nikki patted my cheeks, “wasn’t the announcer supposed to pick the punishment?”

“Actually,” mom said, “that’s right. The announcer didn’t pick the punishment, the—”

“—crowd did!” Lizzie and mom hugged like they just won the lottery.

“Great thing you have the truth-missile here,” Aunt Nikki said as she pinched my cheeks. “Aren’t you glad? Your punishment gets wiped due to disqualification!”

“Redo!” Lizzie said into her microphone.

I felt my heart exploding out of my chest.

“Egg-Breaker Mom is back in business!” Mom raised her fists.

“Who’s the referee here?” Aunt Nikki asked.

“We don’t have one.”

“You do now.”

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