Egg Breakers (Chapters 6–7)

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Chapter 6

I stayed in bed for the next few days.

Julia was amazingly nice the rest of her time here, and Lizzie also brought me chicken soup, keeping me company while I recovered. I think they felt awful for what happened, but I’m glad Julia was finally gone.

I stumbled down the steps. It felt like I wasn’t downstairs for months.

“There he is,” mom said, “how’s my little Joshy Woshy feeling today? You slept all day.”

“Better. Much better.”

Lizzie turned the corner, holding two cups of hot chocolate. “I thought I heard Joshy Woshy come down.” She smirked at me as she handed mom a cup.

“And look what I found!” Mom held both her feet up. “Lizzie, do the thing!”

Lizzie reached over and covered ‘Fan’.

“My number 1 socks for the number 1 karate master!”

“Number 2.” Lizzie snickered. “He did lose to me, remember?”

“How could I forget?” Mom laughed. “Well, I don’t have Number 2 socks. Maybe I should get those made.”

“Joshy Woshy would love it.”

I tried ignoring them and headed into the kitchen. I opened up the fridge and reached for the eggs. Completely empty. Then I remembered mom threw them all away. What the hell was I supposed to eat?

I saw the milk out of the corner of my eye and instantly slammed the door. Guess I’m not eating breakfast for the rest of my life.

“Is everything okay in here?” mom asked as she walked through the doorway. “Want me to make you anything?”

“I just wanted some food.”

Mom shook a box. “Why don’t you have cereal?”

I leaned against the fridge as I felt myself turning green.

Lizzie turned the corner. “I’ll have some.”

Mom poured a bowl, and Lizzie nudged me out of the way as she opened the fridge and grabbed the milk. She poured it into her cereal, staring at me the entire time.

She took a bite. “You don’t look so good.”

“Do you need this?” Mom ran over with the trash can.

“Mmmm,” Lizzie took another bite, “mom, did you stick something special in this cereal?”

Mom shoved the trash can in my face as I felt myself curling over.

“Because this cereal is delicious. Did you stick chocolate milk in here?”

I ripped the trash out of mom’s hands.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” mom said, “why would you want brown milk in your food?”

“I don’t know.” I could hear Lizzie’s crunching from a mile away. “Josh, do you know?”

Mom patted my back. “I guess he’s still not 100% yet. Let’s go sit back on the couch and watch TV.”

After a few minutes in the kitchen recovering, I scrounged around, but it took forever to find some non-brown food. In the end, I settled on energy bars—I opened it and even made sure there wasn’t the slightest speck of brown in them.

When I walked into the living room, eating one, mom glared at me. “What did I say about food in here?”

“Give him a break, mom,” Lizzie said, clinking her final spoon. “He’s still clearly sick.” She placed her bowl on the table. “And you didn’t say anything to me.”

“Oh, you’re right.” Mom glared at Lizzie. “But definitely no bowls on the table! Get that in the sink!”

Lizzie darted into the kitchen.

“Want to watch TV with us, sweetie?” Mom pulled her feet back and patted the couch.

I sat and ate my energy bar while Lizzie plopped back down, grinding both feet into her foot-pillow.

“Lizzie, can you pass me one of those foot-pillows?”

Lizzie looked over her shoulder, then sat up as she picked up a pillow.

“Catch!”

She whipped it as hard as she could, straight between my legs.

I choked on my food and clutched the pillow, curling over and groaning.

They both laughed while mom nudged her foot in my side. “Oh honey, are you okay? Your face is as red as a tomato.”

“I think he’s turning green again.”

“Lizzie, why did you do that?”

Lizzie smirked at me. “I was trying to get it where it usually goes.”

“Watch your aim next time.” Mom used her feet to slightly pry my leg open and flick the pillow from between my legs. Once she got it laying flat on my lap, she rested her feet on top and wiggled her toes. “Is my number 1 okay?”

My balls ached, but I nodded.

“Well if you’re feeling better, could you give me a number 1 massage?” She bent her foot forward and stretched it as far as it could go. “I was on my feet at work all day today.”

“Do you want to make him sick again?”

“Why?”

“Remember? Announcer? Winner?”

Mom giggled. “I’m not putting them on his face, they’re in his lap!”

“They still smell.” Lizzie laughed.

Mom rested one foot on the other. I groaned as I felt more ache between my legs as she wiggled her toes near my nose. “Joshy Woshy, do they smell?”

I faked a sniff. “Nope.”

“See?” Mom plopped her foot down hard as I groaned again.

“Well maybe he’s lying. He probably likes it.”

“Who wouldn’t love these number 1 feet?” Mom wiggled her toes in my lap and looked at me. “Start massaging please!”

We continued watching TV for hours. Mom fell asleep, so I stopped massaging before the first movie even ended.

Lizzie headed towards the kitchen, then came back with a bowl of ice cream with chocolate syrup on it. She looked down at my lap and smirked.

“How are the eggs feeling?”

“Fine. Why did you do that?”

“You know exactly why.”

I looked over at mom, still snoring as Lizzie walked over. “Is it because of Julia?”

“I did tell you, there’s still scrambled eggs in this house.” Lizzie lightly pressed the pillow down with her foot. “And did you see mom’s face? Hilarious!”

I shifted my legs slightly, glancing at mom again. I nudged mom’s legs, she didn’t budge.

“You know what?” She clinked the spoon against the bowl and took a bite. “If you don’t want me to hurt your little eggs again, then I need you to do something for me.”

I shook mom’s legs again.

“Remember that little note? I know you saw it.”

I wanted to bolt off the couch, but Lizzie pressed harder with her heel.

“Don’t want to wake your number 1 fan now, do you?” Lizzie took her spoon and dropped some ice cream and chocolate on mom’s sock. “Oops.”

She reached down and pulled that sock off.

“I promise, 10 seconds of sucking on this, and it’ll save you a lifetime of pain in those ballsy wallsies.”

Lizzie shoved it in as soon as I tried to speak. The taste was vile. Mom wore that all day at work today!

I screamed and tried to shake mom awake, but she slept through it like a log.

I choked as Lizzie forced it towards the back of my throat.

When I went to grab Lizzie’s arm, I hit air. I yanked mom’s sock out of my mouth, whipping it onto the floor as I started dry heaving.

Lizzie smirked as she dropped another spoon on mom’s sock.

Mom stirred awake. How was I going to explain this one? I ripped off her other sock and threw it near its twin while Lizzie laid back down, eating her ice cream like nothing happened.

Mom scrunched her toes. “It’s very chilly in here.” She scrunched her toes again. “Where are my favorite socks?”

“Well Lizzie tried to wake you up, but you wouldn’t move, and she spilled some—”

Mom jerked up. “She what!?”

Glaring at her socks, she rolled off the couch.

“And this is why you never eat in the living room! Lizzie. Kitchen. Now!”

Lizzie darted away with her empty bowl as mom picked them up.

“Is this ice cream and chocolate? In my living room?”

“Josh’s favorite!” Lizzie yelled from the kitchen.

“The next person who eats in this living room is going to be eating off these!” Mom shook the socks in my direction. “Is that clear?”

“Crystal!” Lizzie yelled.

Mom shook them in my face. “Is that clear?”

“Yes. Never eating in the living room again.”

“These are my favorite socks too.” Mom stomped her way towards the laundry. “And they’re a magnet for your number 1 food. It’s like you’re asking to be eating off these things!”

Chapter 7

I entered the kitchen this morning and headed straight for the cabinets.

“Good morning, Joshy,” mom said. “Feeling better today?”

I really wished I could eat my favorite breakfast, but I had to settle for these stupid energy bars. I grabbed one and headed for my room.

As soon as I hit the doorway, mom said, “What did I say about eating in there?”

“Yeah,” Lizzie giggled, “want to be eating that off mom’s socks?”

I turned around, took a bite, and sat in my usual spot.

“Although mom wouldn’t really do that, would you mom?”

Mom flicked the towel over her shoulder, sat down, and propped her feet on the table in Lizzie’s direction.

“Do you want to eat off these beautiful yellow socks?”

“Ew, no,” Lizzie said as she pushed mom’s feet off the table. “But Josh might!”

This is where I would normally kick her. Maybe if I didn’t escalate, this wouldn’t get worse. I just continued eating my energy bar.

“What do you think they taste like?” Lizzie had a huge grin on. “Probably clean though, since mom just woke up.”

Mom laughed. “Well I would make sure to punish you right after work.”

I stopped mid-chew. I felt sick.

Lizzie just stared at me with the biggest smirk. “Or maybe you could walk outside to get the mail!”

“Stop giving me great ideas.” Mom laughed again. “But you really should stop doing that. Don’t think I don’t see your laundry. I know everything that goes on in this house!”

“Josh, are you okay?” Lizzie pressed her disgusting foot against my leg. “You’re not looking so good.”

“You’re right.” Mom whipped over to get the trash can. “Want me to cancel practice today?”

“No. I’m fine.”

“You don’t look fine,” mom said. “You look like a green tomato.”

“Like yesterday?” Lizzie rested her foot on my chair between my legs.

“That was pretty lucky aim.” Mom giggled. “Although unlucky for my Joshy Woshy.”

I put my energy bar down. I felt sick. “Can I go back to my room?”

Mom nodded. I pulled my chair out and watched Lizzie’s foot slip off and hide under the table silently.

“Don’t forget to bru—”

I was already in the bathroom. Does she really have to remind us after every meal?

I needed to brush quickly, then I might have time for a little practice.

I heard a knock.

“Almost done, mom.”

Louder.

“I said almost done!”

“It’s me,” Lizzie said, “open up.”

I continued brushing.

“You better open this door or your new toy is going to have a tragic accident.”

I opened the door, and Lizzie pushed me out of the way on her way to the sink.

“I knew threats would work with you, squirt.” She flicked my forehead. “So did you like breakfast?”

I finished brushing and rinsed my mouth.

“I’ll have you eating her socks again in no time.” She laughed as she stuck her toothbrush in her mouth.

* * *

I practiced in my room today. Luckily no interruptions. Karate practice went fantastic too. Sensei taught us all about how to avoid groin strikes—sounded like it would be real handy since Julia visited.

I walked into the house and placed my backpack down.

It was oddly silent.

I looked around the house, and no trace of Lizzie. Finally, maybe she went out with Mr. Mustache. A day of peace.

I rushed into the kitchen and wolfed down a few energy bars. I really was getting sick of these things, maybe I could tell mom to buy some fruits.

I plopped down on the couch and flipped on the TV. I needed a good laugh tonight, so I flicked it to the horrible show Lizzie watches.

The greatest commercial of all time was on. I copied all the moves, I had them memorized.

But when I went for the flipping spin kick, the energy bar flew out of my hands, falling between the couch cushions. I ran over, pulled open the couch, but it was gone—all that was left was crumbs.

I checked everywhere—below, over, around—but the energy bar disappeared into thin air. Did a gremlin take it?

I picked up all the crumbs, ran to the kitchen, and threw them away.

When I returned, the awful show was back on—how does she watch this crap?

I turned off the TV and went to my room. I had to practice my moves with the real thing!

As I turned the corner, my stomach dropped. It was gone. I frantically searched every nook and cranny. Gone.

There’s only one place it could be…

I rushed into Lizzie’s room and opened her closet. There he was in a stupid pose again.

“What the fuck are you doing, weasel?”

The action figure nearly flew out of my hands as I whipped around.

“Looking through my dirty clothes? I knew you were a sick freak. Wait til Jules hears about this.”

I tried barging past her, but she stood in my way like a brick wall.

She flicked my forehead. “Little weasels don’t get to escape that easily.”

“Just let me leave.”

“Why, so you could sniff my dirty socks in your room? Don’t think I didn’t see under your pillow.”

“That was—”

“Sick? I know.” She towered over me again.

“Why did you take this out of my room?” The back of my knees hit the bed.

“Because I take,” she ripped the toy away, “what I want.” She flicked my forehead until I fell backwards.

“Just give it back. It’s mine.”

“I don’t think so.” She rested her foot on the edge of her bed between my legs. “I think it’s mine now. I like his stupid poses.”

I tried snatching it back, but she slammed her foot into my chest.

“Now listen here, you little weasel. If I catch you in my room again.” She stomped my stomach, grinding her heel in. “I’ll be stomping a little lower.”

I grabbed her leg—didn’t budge, like usual.

“Am. I. Clear?” She flicked my forehead on each word.

I nodded. She stomped.

“Crystal?”

“Yes!” I groaned and rolled over, holding my stomach as she walked into her closet.

She made sure to place it on the highest shelf. “Maybe I should get him an ugly yellow headband.”

I rolled off her bed and ran for my room.

“Remember what I told you this morning!”

* * *

Mom and Lizzie were laying on the couches in their usual positions, disgusting foot-pillows and everything.

“Hi honey,” mom looked over the couch, “you look much better!”

“Did you catch anything on TV when you came home?”

“No, why?”

I grumbled as I made my way into the kitchen to grab another energy bar. I opened the box. Empty. Who the hell leaves an empty box?

Searching the cabinets some more, all that was left was brown food.

“Mom,” I said as I headed back towards my room, “can you go food shopping?”

“I went yesterday.”

I stopped and looked over the couch at her. “My energy bars are done.”

“Why did you leave the empty box in there?” Lizzie laughed.

“If I knew that,” mom touched my arm, “I would’ve got more.”

Lizzie jammed her feet into her foot-pillow and made some grunting noises.

“What’s wrong, sweetie?”

“I think I stomped on something today,” she smirked at me, “and my ankle hurts.”

“Perfect timing. There’s a number 1 massager right here!” Mom patted my arm.

I headed for the steps.

“If you want me to go food shopping tomorrow, give Lizzie a little massage.”

Lizzie raised her feet in the air, wiggling her toes. “Thanks mom, you’re the best!”

I should have just kept heading up the stairs. I could starve a few more days, and mom would have to get food eventually.

“She’s waiting. Can’t you see her pretty little toesies in the air?” Mom giggled.

I dragged my feet over to the couch and looked at Lizzie’s soles. Incredibly filthy. How come mom complains about food in here, but lets Lizzie rub this all over her house?

“Just put that pillow on your lap,” Lizzie said. “Or do you want me to throw it?”

Mom laughed. “I still can’t believe that. Maybe we should get him a cup.”

Lizzie snickered at me as I sat down, then used her feet to get the pillow on my lap.

“Yeah, maybe we should.” Lizzie slammed her heels down. “Have you ever been hit there, Joshy Woshy?”

“Without a pillow of course!” Mom and Lizzie laughed and laughed.

“No. Never.” This was an incredibly awkward conversation to have with them.

Lizzie wiggled her toes in my lap. “Massage!”

Staring at her foot, I couldn’t believe my hands would touch this filth. I would definitely need to scrub all the skin off my hands after this.

I reached down and started gingerly rubbing them.

“So, mom, ever hit anyone in the eggs before?” Lizzie emphasized the word eggs with a press of her heels.

“Eggs? That’s a new one.” Mom laughed. “Not on purpose. This one time, my boyfriend was tickling me. And oops, my knee went into his—”

“Eggs?”

Mom cracked up again. “Exactly! And then he turned green, a lot like Joshy Woshy when you got him with that pillow!”

Lizzie flexed and raised her foot. “This pillow right here?”

She dropped her heel on the pillow. I curled over slightly, stopping my massage.

“Yep.” Mom laughed. “In fact, I think it was that exact pillow.”

Lizzie looked at me. “Must be horrible memories having that in your crotch again, right Joshy Woshy?”

Her and mom laughed as I turned red.

“Stop teasing your brother. Accidents happen.”

“Yes they do.” Lizzie flexed her toes. “So any more experiences?”

“Actually, now that you mention it,” mom said. “There is this one time me and your aunt were out. These two hot twins came up to us on the dance floor acting all nice nice.”

“You used to dance?”

“I was young once too, you know.” Mom giggled. “So we both danced with them, but then they touched our butts.”

“And what did you do?”

“We both kicked them right in the eggs at the same exact time!” Mom laughed again. “Wasn’t planned or anything, but me and your aunt are good like that.”

Lizzie giggled as she ground her heel into the pillow, then shot me a glare and whispered, “Massage.”

“Why don’t I show you two a demonstration,” mom said. “Just in case you two need to protect yourselves.”

“That would be perfect, mom!” Lizzie laughed. “Joshy Woshy would love it.”

Mom whipped off the couch, then galloped into the middle of the room.

“So me and your aunt were like this.” She pretended she was leaning on something. “Then like this.” She struck a pose. “And then like this.” She danced.

Lizzie laughed. I felt a little awkward at the subject matter, but mom really did look hilarious, so I laughed too.

“And then I went like this.” Mom kicked her leg out. She jumped a few feet away and turned. “While your aunt went like this!” She kicked. “And then they went like this!” Mom grabbed herself between the legs, crossed her eyes, and fell to her knees.

We both were cracking up, mom never acted this way.

Mom fell onto the ground and rolled around. “And then they were acting like babies.”

Lizzie looked at me and smirked. “Remind you of anybody?”

Mom stood up and struck a pose again while Lizzie clapped.

“And then we walked away like this!” Mom walked like she was on a runway, all the way to the couch. She spun around, sat down, and crossed her legs.

“You really got them good, huh?” Lizzie smirked again as her heel pressed harder. I massaged her foot rougher, hoping it would hurt her stupid feet.

“It was like we were pro fighters!”

“Maybe you were, in another life.” Lizzie laughed. “Hey, you know what I just thought of?”

“What?”

“You and the great Joshy Woshy should have a match!” Lizzie ripped her foot out of my hands and started jamming them in my sides. “And then the winner can face me!”

“That’s a fantastic idea.” Mom rocked her crossed leg up and down.

I tried moving away from Lizzie’s foot, but she kept digging it into my ribs. “I’m still not feeling 100%, mom.”

“Then that’s better! Since I’m not a fighter, it’ll make it even. Although,” she kicked her leg out and crossed her eyes, “are you sure you don’t want a cup?”

They both laughed.

“No, I’m not fighting my own mom! You’d get destroyed.”

“Want me to go food shopping?” Mom kicked again. “Maybe I could pick up some eggs.”

Lizzie yanked her legs away from me and couldn’t stop laughing.

“Fine,” I said. “It’s on, but I’m not going easy on you.”

“Me neither.” Mom kicked her leg out again on each word. “Round 2: Joshy Woshy vs. Egg-Breaker Mom! Ding ding ding!”

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