Egg Breakers (Chapters 10–11)

Chapter 10

Mom forced me to stay in the kitchen or I’d be grounded for a month. Maybe a month would be worth it—I just wanted to get to sleep. I was already stuck in here for so many hours, bored out of my mind—it was already nighttime.

Aunt Nikki burst into the kitchen, blowing a whistle.

I nearly jumped out of my skin.

“Like my outfit?” She posed. “This was Lizzie’s outfit for halloween. It was the perfect fit!”

“You look like a real ref. Can I go change now?”

“No chance.” She blew the whistle. “Get me a water!”

When I didn’t get up fast enough, she blew the whistle in my ear.

I whirled around the kitchen and filled a glass of water.

“Clear the ring!” She whistled in my ear. “Drag my sleeping bag into the kitchen!”

I ran into the living room and did as she asked. She followed behind me, blowing the whistle like she was a drill sergeant.

As I set up her sleeping bag in the kitchen, she filled herself a glass of wine.

“Get into your corner!” She blew the whistle again. “Now!”

I ran into position as mom and Lizzie came down the steps in full karate gear, kicking their legs out on each one.

Aunt Nikki placed her glasses near the TV, then joined them as they did their entrance dance yet again, this time with an extra person. When they ended, all three struck a pose. They must’ve been practicing that for all those hours.

Mom cracked up and fell onto the couch. “Aren’t we the best, Joshy Woshy?”

“Of course we are!” Aunt Nikki said, taking a huge sip of her wine.

“Yep, great. Can I go to sleep now?”

“Hold on,” Lizzie said as she grabbed a pillow, “we have one final move!”

Mom took my yellow belt out of her pocket, then kissed my forehead and wrapped it around my head.

Aunt Nikki blew the whistle behind me. “Get in the center!”

I ran into the center as Lizzie whipped a pillow into my crotch. I groaned and curled over.

Mom and Aunt Nikki danced around me.

Lizzie put on her announcing voice. “And the twins are in the middle of the dance floor! Did they just call those sisters bitches?”

Aunt Nikki walked up and slapped me hard. Mom patted my other cheek lightly.

Lizzie laughed. “One slap for each twin! And did they just grab butts?”

Mom raised her foot in slow motion and tapped the pillow lightly, then laughed as she grabbed my shoulders and spun me around.

Aunt Nikki’s foot was already up in slow motion and tapped the pillow lightly.

“And the twin-breakers, the egg-breaking sisters were born!”

All three of them laughed so hard as mom hobbled to the couch. I turned red as I tossed the pillow. Lizzie caught it and used it as a foot-pillow.

“That was great!” mom said.

“Better than we practiced!” Aunt Nikki said.

“Better than I remembered!”

Aunt Nikki threw some kicks in the air and fell over. She crawled over to the TV and finished her glass of wine. “It’s been so many years since I used these babies, and that was a hilarious recreation!”

Lizzie laughed. “I think that twin just grabbed her boob!”

Aunt Nikki gasped. She stood up, took a few steps, and rocketed her knee into my balls.

“And the twins go down!”

Aunt Nikki threw her glass of water in my face and ground her foot into my cheek.

Mom and Lizzie laughed.

“Sniff!” She blew the whistle and wiggled her toes on my nose as all three of them laughed.

I groaned into her foot and couldn’t breathe. I felt like I was going to die.

“I said sniff! What do they smell like?”

“Roses?” Mom tried to contain her giggle.

“Oranges?” Lizzie said.

I felt the pain in my groin become less excruciating. I finally was able to breathe. My lungs were filled as I gave them a big sniff.

They actually smelled really nice, like perfume.

The pain in my groin flooded back as I got an erection. At least everything still works.

“It’s called hard work and sweat,” Aunt Nikki said. “And next time you touch my boob, you’ll be eating this sock. Understand?”

I groaned as she reached down and pulled the yellow belt off my head. I inhaled her foot again.

“Oh, Joshy Woshy. What are you doing on the ground?”

All three of them burst into laughter.

“I’m supposed to be reffing your fight!” She wiggled her toes. “What are you doing smelling my socks?”

“You’ll definitely lose to me doing that,” mom said. “They’ll knock you out!”

Lizzie couldn’t stop laughing. “Give them a huge sniff, Joshy Woshy. Mom needs the easy win!”

Aunt Nikki took her foot off my face. She gave her wet sock a disgusted look as she peeled it off. “Maybe you can use these to practice in your room later.”

Her and Lizzie laughed. She threw the wet sock to the side and helped me up.

“Now, let me explain the rules for the redo.” She blew the whistle. “Are you listening, Joshy Woshy?”

“You look a little green,” Lizzie said.

“Yeah,” mom said, “what happened?”

“You wouldn’t believe it. Those twins from mom’s story were down here while you were off somewhere.”

“Probably practicing,” Aunt Nikki said as she looked down at my crotch, making all three of them laugh. She blew the whistle again. “Now as I was saying, the punishment was invalid, so we need to recreate the scene.”

Mom crossed her legs, pulling at the huge red foot pads on her legs. “I can’t move with these things anymore.”

Lizzie helped pry them off. “The great Joshy Woshy is tired and needs to sleep, so this’ll really speed this up.”

Aunt Nikki blew the whistle directly in my ear. As I winced, she grabbed my arms. “Blah blah blah, her number 1 fan kneed you in the eggs, right?”

“Kick, actually.” Lizzie snickered as she pulled my green belt off and wrapped it on her head.

Aunt Nikki blew the whistle in my ear. “Spread ’em!”

I spread my legs as she blew the whistle again.

“Wider!”

She kicked my legs apart, stretching them further than was comfortable. My crotch felt like it was going to rip open.

“Now,” Lizzie said as she took a few steps forward, “number 1 fan made some scrambled eggs.”

“Ew?” Aunt Nikki said. “Did you just touch her boobs?”

Lizzie slapped me hard, then launched her foot directly between my legs.

I collapsed to my knees, trying to curl into a ball. Aunt Nikki pressed her knee into my spine, pulling my arms back further.

She whistled in my ear again. “And then my egg-breaker sister broke her eggs!”

Mom stood up and threw a few kicks. “But I can’t kick my son in the groin. That’s just wrong!”

“You did last time. Here.” Lizzie chuckled as she handed mom my yellow belt. “If you put that on his head, you can teach those twins another lesson!”

“Great idea, Lizzie.” Mom gave her a huge kiss. “You’re just full of great ideas lately.”

As mom put the yellow belt on my head, my arms felt like they were going to get pulled out of my sockets.

“Oh, it’s you! What did you do to my son?” Mom laughed as she slapped me. “Didn’t me and my sister teach you all those years ago?”

Aunt Nikki blew the whistle in my ear. “Finish him!”

Mom looked at the bottom of her socks. She made sure to wiggle them and show me the bottoms as Lizzie cheered.

I wondered what they would smell like in a few minutes. Hopefully they smelled like Aunt Nikki’s. That might not be so bad.

“Ew mom, he’s hard! He just rubbed it on your leg! Break his eggs!”

Time slowed down as mom took a few steps forward, and launched her foot directly into my nuts multiple times.

“Don’t! You! Mess! With! Us!”

My arms flopped to the sides, lifeless. My eyes were blurry. I couldn’t hear anything. All my senses were haywire. I landed face-first into Lizzie’s foot-pillow. I couldn’t breathe, I had no air for what felt like hours.

The first enormous inhale was…

Breathtaking.

Lizzie nudged her foot below my ribs and rolled me over. My hearing came back.

Mom did her model-walk between my legs. She used my crotch as a step, and stood with both feet on my chest. Aunt Nikki grabbed her wet sock and placed it on my nose, while Lizzie pressed her foot onto my forehead and stood on my hand.

“So, Mrs. Egg-Breaker,” Lizzie held the microphone up, “tell us how it feels to finally teach those idiot twins a lesson!”

“I have to thank my number 1 fans! I love each and every one of you.” I felt her weight shift as she spun around the room.

“And ref Nikki,” Lizzie moved the microphone, “the moves were all valid this time?”

Aunt Nikki blew the whistle and stomped directly on my penis. “All moves are valid if they touch you with these!” She ground her foot. “And these are going to break if you mess with us.” She stepped up with all her weight on one foot, then landed on my balls.

“Wow, and you heard it here first, fans,” Lizzie knocked the sock off as she squished my nose, “the egg-breaking sisters are back after so many years of retirement! The crowd goes wild!”

Mom and Aunt Nikki kissed and hugged as they both fell to the ground and laughed their asses off.

Lizzie reached down and yanked the yellow belt off my head as she cheered. “And Joshy Woshy enters the ring! He’s down!”

Mom and Aunt Nikki giggled some more as they untangled. Mom crawled over to me, then stepped right on my chest and looked down at me.

“You should’ve seen me, Joshy! I was great!” Mom crossed her eyes and giggled.

Aunt Nikki stood with two feet on either side of my head and helped mom balance.

“Zero!” Lizzie cheered. “And the announcer says, loser has to kiss every egg-breaker’s foot!”

“Sorry, honey,” mom raised her foot, “my fans always get what they want.”

Chapter 11

“There he is, the 3rd place sock-sniffer himself!”

Mom laughed as Lizzie paraded around with her microphone.

“He looks like his eggs are real broken today.” She shoved the microphone in mom’s direction. “Know why that is?”

They both laughed. Mom took the microphone.

“Because he’s excited for,” she danced and kicked, “broken eggs!”

I sat down very gingerly as they both laughed.

“Why the big limp, sock-sniffer?” Lizzie wiggled the microphone.

I smacked it away as she sat down. “Where’s Aunt Nikki?”

“Right here. Are you blind?”

I expected my usual kick. It never came.

I heard a groan. Lizzie and mom were resting their feet on a sleeping bag.

“Keep it quiet out there, sock-sniffer.” Aunt Nikki poked her head out as they all laughed. “Remind me to never drink that much wine again.”

Mom nudged the sleeping bag with her foot. “I’m not the one who made another glass!”

“My headache is awful.” Aunt Nikki groaned as she touched my leg. “Be a best nephew and go get the pills for me.”

Why was she asking me? Clearly I had some serious walking issues because of her. There were two perfectly fine people right there!

“Of course, Aunt Nikki.” I groaned as I stood up and hobbled for the bathroom.

“Looks like he’s wearing my chicken legs.” Lizzie and mom laughed.

As I dug through the cabinets many minutes later, I popped a few pills myself. I looked in my boxers and saw only two colors—black and blue. I swear there was even a giant knee-shaped spot. My groin was broken.

I gingerly closed my boxers, grabbed the pills, and hobbled back to the kitchen.

Aunt Nikki was sitting in my seat, holding a frozen bag of peas on her head as I walked in.

“Give!”

I handed her the pills. She launched the top open and swallowed a few.

“Thank you. Love you.” She groaned as she shifted the peas around.

I sat down opposite of mom. The entire kitchen felt weird from this angle, like it was a different room.

“Aww,” mom held her hands to her heart, “the loser wanted to sit closer to the champ.”

Lizzie laughed and touched my leg with her foot. “Or maybe he didn’t want scrambled eggs from across the table.”

Mom cracked up as Lizzie crossed her eyes. She pushed my plate into my new position.

“Did you want those scrambled eggs?” I felt pain, and looked down to see brown socks wiggling. “Or those?”

They both laughed as I groaned.

“I think he wanted the second kind.” Lizzie pulled my plate away and rubbed her foot on my legs some more.

“I think you might need these more than me.” Aunt Nikki tossed the bag of peas right in my crotch.

“He’ll need more than that if he fights the twin-breakers again!” They all laughed as mom pressed her foot against the peas. “But honey, I’m really sorry about last night. I don’t know what came over me. Once the crowd starts roaring and I get that microphone…”

I groaned as I looked down at the peas.

“Want them to get back to that size?” Lizzie held out her two fingers in the size of a pea.

Aunt Nikki laughed and held out two fingers. “More like grapes.”

“You’re both wrong.” Mom held out her fingers. “Eggs.”

She crushed the imaginary egg in her hands as all three roared into laughter. They then crushed theirs too.

“I know how to break a few eggs, just ask Joshy.” Mom wiggled her foot. “Aren’t they the best?”

I groaned and just gripped the table.

“He didn’t even take a bite yet.” Lizzie picked up my fork and made airplane noises.

I turned my head away.

“Come on, open the tunnel for the train! Choo choo!” She blew the whistle.

Aunt Nikki held her head and groaned. “No more train.”

“Airplane it is then.” Lizzie made more noises as the fork flew towards my mouth.

I smacked it out of her hands.

“Joshua!” Mom pressed her foot. “Go pick that up this instant.”

I looked over and saw it laying near the carpet. It looked a million miles away. I slid my chair back and watched mom’s foot silently disappear.

As I hobbled over, all three laughed.

“If any got on the living room carpet!” Mom rested her feet on the table. “You know what’s going to happen next.”

“What’s going to happen?” Aunt Nikki leaned over and placed the peas back on her head.

Lizzie cracked up. “Mom told Joshy Woshy if any food got in there, he would be eating off her socks!”

All three women laughed.

“Right after work too,” mom said.

“Have to make it as disgusting as possible I guess.” Aunt Nikki laughed. “It’ll scare you into listening to the rules!”

“Hey limpy,” Lizzie said, “ever wonder what mom’s socks taste like?”

They all laughed as mom and Aunt Nikki gagged.

I finally reached the fork. I leaned over and saw a little egg on the carpet, and quickly swept it into the kitchen and into my hand, then picked up the fork and began my long journey to the sink.

“To make it worse,” Lizzie said, “I think it should be all three of our socks!”

“Another great one!” Mom touched Lizzie’s arm. “Isn’t my daughter just brilliant?”

“Yes she is.” Aunt Nikki nodded and moved the peas around. “Speaking of socks, has anyone seen mine? I’m only wearing one.”

“No clue,” mom said. “But wait right there.”

She gently pushed me out of the way as she ran upstairs.

Aunt Nikki glared at me. “Wouldn’t happen to have done any practice today, did you?”

“I don’t think he even can.” Lizzie laughed. “Did you see what you unleashed on him yesterday?”

“I don’t remember.” Aunt Nikki groaned. “I only remember me giving him a huge kiss as he came in the door, getting dressed in your halloween costume, and waking up under here with a faint whistle noise ringing in my ears.”

Lizzie crossed her eyes. “None of this?”

“Bits and pieces.” Aunt Nikki groaned again and moved her peas. “Don’t ever drink.”

Lizzie opened the fridge door and shoved me out of the way. She grabbed a can.

“Here, drink this.” Lizzie kissed Aunt Nikki on the forehead.

“I love you so much, you know that?”

“I know. I’m the best!” Lizzie put a finger to her cheek and giggled.

“Here it is!” Mom slapped my chest real hard, making me stumble backwards and into the wall.

As I slid down the wall, she handed Aunt Nikki her sock.

“‘3rd Place’? What’s the other one say?”

“Loser.” Lizzie pointed at me as all three cracked up.

“Thank you, I love you so much.” Aunt Nikki placed her bare foot on the table and slipped the sock on.

“Perfect, isn’t it?” Lizzie giggled. “And that puts you behind mom in the rankings!”