Egg Breakers (Chapters 27–28)

Chapter 27

“Is my little Joshy Woshy going to find a girlfriend today?”

Mom leaned out the window and kissed my forehead. I instantly wiped it away as I awkwardly tried to balance the cardboard box in one hand.

“Stop it, mom, you’re embarrassing him,” Lizzie said as she placed her giant cooler on the pavement. As soon as she knocked the car door closed, she screamed as loud as she could into cupped hands. “Joshy Massagy ready for business! He’s looking for a girlfriend! Never kissed anyone in his life! Only thing he touches is feet!”

The swarm of soccer girls giggled as I turned as red as the stripe on their outfits.

“Did you really never kiss anyone?” one girl asked.

A different girl pinched my butt. “He’s kind of cute.”

I tried plowing my way through the crowd using my box, but girls already ripped the top open and were picking through it like vultures.

My butt was pinched again by another girl. “Are you sure you only touch disgusting feet? If you massage my neck, I’ll let you kiss my ass.”

“Ew, your ass smells like ass, and we didn’t even practice yet!” Another girl elbowed me in the ribs and yanked the box out of my hands. “And I don’t think Coach Baker would approve.”

“Out of the way!” Rebecca screamed as she plowed her way through.

I felt a couple more pinches and giggles as she dragged me out of there.

“At least let Liz set up!” Rebecca dragged me over to her coach. “Coach, is there anything you can do about this horrible discipline?”

Coach Baker blew her whistle louder than Aunt Nikki.

“Laps!” She blew again. “Laps! Get in the corner and start laps!”

Rebecca elbowed my ribs and gave me a look.

I bowed. “Thank you, coach.”

“This isn’t the dojo.” Rebecca giggled. “Why do you have to be so weird?”

Coach Baker looked down at me and smirked. “I better get a free Joshy Massagy after this one. I just saved you two a lot of work!”

“Did someone say free massage?” Lizzie stuffed some money in her pockets. “If you give me that whistle, you can get all the free massages you want! It worked like a charm.”

Coach Baker laughed and nodded. “This is my most important piece of equipment. It makes anyone listen to my commands. Watch this.”

She blew the whistle and screamed. The gaggle of girls moved around the field left, right, slow, fast, and even backwards.

“Remind you of something?” Lizzie nudged my ribs and laughed.

“Yeah, you reffing our fight,” Rebecca said. “Your outfit was great.”

“Maybe you should wear it next time,” Lizzie said. “I think Joshy Woshy here would love it.”

“He would?”

Rebecca leaned in and gave my cheek a kiss while no one was looking. I didn’t wipe that one away.

“Why are you standing around chatting?” Coach Baker nudged Rebecca’s shoulder and blew her whistle. “Join your team!”

Rebecca gave my hand a squeeze, then ran backwards towards the field.

“Rebecca’s my best player.” Coach Baker fastened the whistle on her shirt. “I can’t have her falling behind.”

“Don’t you wish you were a hot baseball player?” Lizzie pinched my cheeks. “Instead, my brother is just some karate dweeb.”

Coach stifled a little giggle. “Well, I hear he made a great dummy at self-defense.”

“That’s true.” Lizzie pinched my cheek even harder. I smacked her hand away. “You should join us next time at tonight’s class.”

“Maybe I will. But first I need you to clear that stuff out of my parking lot.” Coach blew her whistle. “Sprint!”

Lizzie and me sprinted over to our stuff. Of course she made me carry the one half-stomped and ripped apart. She ran behind me yelling orders, making me set up the entire area on the bleachers. Luckily, barely anyone was in the stands to see her embarrassing me.

As practice went on, Lizzie opened her cooler full of drinks and offered a coupon to every girl who purchased, making sure to tell them all the embarrassing details of my life.

I tried to zone it all out, I would never be able to stop her, so I just stared at Rebecca the entire time.

Lizzie pushed my chin closed. “Your tongue is practically hanging out. Can you be any more obvious?”

“How many of those coupons did you give?”

“Twenty. You have a lot of work ahead of you. But I think most of them were paying me to hear your embarrassing little secrets.” Lizzie laughed as she pinched my cheeks. “Even Reebee’s coach laughed at some of your stories!”

I shoved her and slid further away.

“I think I found a new business—Joshy Woshy’s Dirty Laundry! Maybe they’ll think you clean their socks and panties for them. With your mouth hanging open like that, we might as well put it to some use.”

I threw a bottle right for her face, but she caught it and drank most of it.

“Or maybe Joshy Woshy Recycling. He recycles your old, dirty clothes, almost good as new! He’s so dedicated, he even sleeps with them in his bed! I’ll have to talk to Jules and get her to draw a new sign.”

I tried to watch the field. If I ignored her, things couldn’t get any worse.

Lizzie shifted closer to me. “So, did you hear what the prize is at our next self-defense class? Two tickets to the movies. Maybe Reebee can take out her baseball star boyfriend. Wouldn’t that be nice?”

I grunted.

“What would he think if she played shutty uppy with her panties in your—”

A soccer ball flew over the bleachers. I needed any excuse to get away from Lizzie, so I ran after it.

I hopped the fence and made my way down to the ball, then tossed it back and climbed over. The instant my feet hit the ground, a hand was over my mouth.

“Don’t say a word.”

Rebecca spun me around and gave me a huge kiss. She shoved me against the fence and rubbed her leg between mine.

“Everyone was talking about your embarrassing stories.” She kissed me again. “I couldn’t take it anymore, so I kicked the soccer ball over here.”

“But what if they—”

“Shut up, mister.” She grabbed my hand and placed it on her boob. “Now squeeze!”

I squeezed.

“But Lizzie’s right th—”

She grabbed my crotch. “Squeeze!”

I squeezed as she squeezed even harder. I tried closing my legs, but she pried them apart with her leg.

“Now kiss!”

I leaned forward to give her a kiss, but she kneed me in the balls.

I groaned against the fence as she picked up the soccer ball and turned the corner.

“Got it! It flew over the fence!” She turned towards me and gave me a smirk as she waved the ball. “But I kicked it back over!”

She ran for the field as I tried catching my breath.

I slowly slid down to the ground and thought about what the hell just happened. Before it could even register, Lizzie turned the corner.

“Did you see your imaginary girlfriend come back here?”

I nodded.

“Must’ve been a dream come true for you, but I need you back at the bleachers, practice is almost over!”

“Give me a minute!” I rubbed my finger on my lips.

“Okay, but if you take much longer, I might feel like practicing soccer on you.” Lizzie crossed her eyes. “Now come on, mister!”

Chapter 28

“Ready to kick some eggs?”

All the women kicked to the beat of music as Lizzie made her way around the room, making sure everyone was using the right form. She had everyone split into pairs, holding the pads at crotch level, while she went around slapping a couple egg stickers on each of them.

Instead of helping train in what I do best, they had me putting up a few “motivational” posters Julia drew—all egg-related puns and movie quotes.

Mom came in from outside, following the final group of arrivals.

“And there’s the pair of eggs you’ll be kicking today!” mom told the group of hot soccer girls as she pointed at me. “If you win the prize, maybe you can take him on a date. He’s my son, and he’s looking for a girlfriend.”

One of the girls giggled. “Is it really true he wet the bed last year?”

Mom laughed. “Who told you that one?”

Another girl pointed to Lizzie.

Mom patted my cheeks. “I’m not saying it’s true, but do those red cheeks lie?”

I smacked mom’s hands away and grabbed another poster.

“Come on, honey, enough of that.” Mom yanked the poster out of my hands. “I think everyone already knows how to win the prize by now!”

“You practically told the whole place as they walked in!”

“Well they needed to know where to aim.” Mom pointed to the stickman on the poster. “Right here, in the eggs!”

“Lizzie needs to be teaching real self-defense, not this nonsense.”

Mom threw a kick right for my crotch.

I leaped back a second late—good thing she stopped in midair—then pushed her foot down. “Mom! Are you crazy? I’m not wearing my cup yet.”

“Maybe Mrs. Bad Breaker wanted to win before anyone else got the chance.” Mom rolled up the poster and slid it back in the box. “Do you know how long it’s been since me and dad went out to the movies?”

“Years.”

“I don’t think it’s been that long,” mom said as we both walked towards the lockers. “You know what, I actually think it was that time you wet your bed.”

I looked around and saw those two girls giggling while staring at me. Why did mom have to say that so loud?

Mom touched my shoulder. “Okay, honey, make sure to put on that cup. I still want grandkids someday.”

I headed for the lockers as mom walked towards Rebecca’s coach. Behind me I could hear mom’s laugh as she spoke even louder.

“Did you see me almost win that prize? Imagine how Joshy would feel if I won those tickets.”

I felt my face get even hotter as I rushed into the locker room as fast as possible. This time I searched the entire thing to make sure no one was hiding—fortune-teller girl never showed up after that day, but I could never be too sure.

I took my cup out of my locker and put it on. As I reached into my pants to adjust it, someone grabbed my shoulders and spun me around.

“Hold it, mister!”

Rebecca reached into my pants and tugged at the cup as I tried knocking her arm away.

“You won’t be needing that.”

“What do you mean?”

She shoved me against the locker. “You’re going to let me win.” She squeezed my neck and glared into my eyes. “Lizzie doesn’t know it yet, but I’m going to go first. And you’re going to fall down after my first kick.”

I tried pulling her hand away, but she squeezed even harder.

“Here’s the plan. I need to go to the movies with my boyfriend, so I need you to lose.”

I stopped struggling as all my will disappeared. So it was true, she did have some baseball idiot as a boyfriend.

Kneeling in front of me, she yanked my pants down and laughed after she pried the cup off.

“Was it always that tiny? It’s like my pinky.”

I looked down as she breathed on it.

“This is probably the closest a mouth has ever gotten to it.” She leaned in closer and blew cold air as she curled her pinky closed. “Look! It’s shriveling even more!”

I tried to cover myself, but she smacked my hands away.

“You move again and I’ll punch it so hard, you’ll be swollen for a month.”

I breathed all the air out of my lungs and pressed myself against the lockers. What does that baseball idiot have that I don’t have?

Rebecca poked at it and giggled. “If you let me win, I promise I’ll make it worth your while.”

She emphasized each w, making sure to blow more breath acro—

“You see? I knew you would agree.”

She stood up and gave me a long kiss while rubbing her leg between mine.

“Remember, mister,” Rebecca used her upper leg to press it against my body, “you better not let anyone else win. I’ll be sure to make it quick. And just so we’re sure…”

She launched her knee into me and giggled as she took a step back.

I collapsed to my knees, holding myself, when my head slammed into the locker.

“Someone on the team told me you kiss asses.”

I tried turning my head, but my nose felt like it would snap right off as she pressed her foot on my hands.

“Kiss it or I’ll crush your…”

I kissed, causing her to leap a few steps forward and giggle.

“That’ll be our little secret,” she said as she headed for the door. “And remember, you better let me win or else the whole team will know about it.”

* * *

“And there’s the main event!”

Everyone stopped practicing and stared at me as they clapped and cheered.

I waved and bowed every few steps, trying to make the best of it.

Lizzie walked over with a real-life microphone. She covered it as she leaned over.

“Did you forget how to put it on? You’re walking funny.”

“I just… pinched myself. That’s all.”

Lizzie patted my back. “Am I glad I don’t have eggs getting in my way all the time.” She uncovered the microphone. “And in this corner, the one who wishes he was on our famous poster, Mr. Joshy Woshy!”

Mom clapped and screamed louder than everyone else combined. “That’s my son! Isn’t he so handsome?”

“And in this corner…” Lizzie pointed to the line forming on the other side. “… are all the winners from practice!”

Lizzie clapped and pumped up the crowd as I saw Rebecca shove her way to the front.

“You five were the best today, so you all get a chance at the prize.” Lizzie pointed to mom. “Tell them what they’ll win!”

Mom grabbed a poster and bounced to the middle of the room.

“We made a mistake.” She did an overly exaggerated sigh as she pointed to the poster. “It says here you win two movie tickets, but that’s oh so very very wrong… Drumroll please!”

The floor shook like an earthquake as everyone drummed the ground.

“You win two tickets every week for a year!”

Everyone cheered as Lizzie made her way back to the middle.

“Even better than you guys expected, huh?” Lizzie nudged my shoulder. “So, we all know what the rules are. This criminal is trying to steal your prize. First one to get him down wins!”

Rebecca smirked at me as she stepped forward, but Lizzie pressed her back into line.

“And our guest contestant tonight gets the first hit!” Lizzie pointed to Coach Baker.

Rebecca’s eyes opened wide while the crowd cheered as coach danced her way in front of me.

“I love the movies,” Coach Baker said as she spun around and struck a pose while slapping her butt.

Lizzie made her way to the middle of the ring and spoke into the microphone.

“Is this the first time you’ve ever kicked a guy?”

“Of course not! I kick balls for a living!”

Everyone laughed as I felt myself deflating—just like Rebecca’s pinky.

“One time, I even kicked so hard I broke a guy’s cup. Let’s hope I break my second one today!”

My legs started shaking. Was she serious? I felt my kids disappearing before my eyes.

Mom ran over and ripped the microphone out of Lizzie’s hand. “Be careful with my Joshy Woshy! It’s hard, but not that hard!”

Everyone began laughing and pointing at my crotch. I didn’t know if it could shrivel any smaller.

Mom stood there, perplexed, until it finally hit her. “Oh no, I didn’t mean his… Me and Lizzie would never kick… I meant his cup!”

Coach Baker grabbed the microphone. “I promise I won’t break your son’s… cup.”

Everyone laughed even harder. I tried to stare into space and imagine this wasn’t happening. I only needed to survive this one kick and make it to Rebecca.

Mom played tug-of-war over the microphone until Lizzie ripped it away.

“What my mom was trying to say is, your opponents will probably be hard.” Lizzie pointed at my crotch as even more giggles happened. “So be sure to kick your hardest!”

The crowd started chanting “Coach Breaker” as she did a little dance.

Coach Baker stepped towards me and held her crotch as she leaned over. All the girls laughed. “You’ll be okay if Lizzie and her practice on you all the time! Your mom was telling me all about it.”

I only saw a blur.

I jumped in the air and expected the most pain I’ve ever felt in my life, but it never came. I looked down and saw her foot lightly press into my crotch.

She leaped backwards and held herself, rolling on the ground with her hands between her legs. Everyone laughed.

“She kicked him so hard she hurt herself!” Lizzie ran over and helped lift coach up. “Everyone give three cheers for Coach Breaker!”

I wiped my forehead and looked for Rebecca.

Lizzie laughed while she carried the coach on her shoulder and pointed to the line. “Perfect, you guys got in order already. We’re going worst to best!”

Rebecca’s jaw dropped the same time as mine.

“We can’t have him falling down on the very first kick!”

Rebecca was shoved around as the line reformed around her, placing her in the very back. I didn’t even know if I would be able to survive the kicks—and I’m betting none of these are going to be fake.

Coach Baker grabbed my arms and locked them behind me, then whispered in my ear.

“Why didn’t you put a cup on?”

I stuttered as I tried to think of something to say.

“Did you forget it at home?”

I nodded.

“Horrible day to forget it.” She waved and bowed towards the crowd. “All these girls were talking about was winning those tickets and kicking you as hard as possible. Do you want me to cancel this? I’m sure Lizzie would understand.”

I’m sure she wouldn’t. I nodded my head no.

“Such a shame, it seems like you have a nice package.” She leaned in a little closer. “I’ll come check in on you in the locker room after. Make sure everything works.”

I felt my eyes bulge out of my head as the first girl lined up.

“And Mr. Criminal is looking scared,” Lizzie said into her microphone. “He doesn’t want to give away those tickets he stole!”

The girl lined up and gave me a hard kick. I felt my knees buckling, but Coach Baker held me up.

“Fantastic technique.” Lizzie patted her on the back. “But not good enough. Next!”

Coach Baker whispered in my ear again. “Are you still okay?”

I nodded. Maybe I should just fall on the next kick, Rebecca be damned.

The second girl lined up. Her foot flew up, but smashed my inner leg.

“How did you make it to this round?” Lizzie ran over to the poster on the wall and pointed. “His eggs are located here!”

Everyone giggled as the third girl came up.

“I know where eggs are,” she said. “I practice kicking them all the time.”

Coach leaned in. “She does, every few weeks the team tells me about another boy she ‘accidentally’ kicked.”

Maybe I should take her up on the offer to cancel. Before I could say anything, my legs buckled closed.

“Ouch! And she really is an expert egg kicker,” Lizzie said. “And look at how Joshy Woshy is acting. But he’s wearing a hard cup, it doesn’t hurt him that bad.”

The third girl smirked as she skipped her way back to the line.

“Do you want me to let go of your arms?”

I nodded no.

“She’s already telling them all about your… situation.”

I looked over and saw her whispering to Rebecca and the next girl. Rebecca was arguing and trying to shove her way forward.

“Now now, Reebee, wait your turn!” Lizzie ran over and broke them up. She dragged the next girl to the middle and held the microphone out. “Is there anything you would like to say?”

“Byebye eggs!”

Everyone laughed, even coach.

The girl smirked as she whispered something in Lizzie’s ear. Lizzie grinned like a cat as her eyes zoomed in on my pants.

She slowly picked up the microphone. “She just asked me if it’s okay to knee instead. What does the crowd say?”

The noise was deafening. Even mom was laughing and having a great time.

“And the crowd says yes!”

Lizzie peeled an egg sticker off and held it in the air, pumping up the crowd like she was in a gladiator ring, then finally slapped it on the girl’s knee.

The girl galloped over and put her hands on my shoulders.

“Don’t do it too hard,” Coach Baker said, “his cup got knocked loose.”

“No it didn’t.” She launched her knee faster than a rocket.

My arms ripped out as my legs flew out from under me. My face smashed the ground as I dry heaved into the mats.

Everyone swarmed and carried her up on their shoulders as Rebecca began a shouting match with Lizzie.

Mom and Coach Baker kneeled by me, rubbing my back as I felt like my entire body was flipped inside-out.

“Are you okay, honey?” Mom scratched my head. “That was one hell of a knee.”

“I think I should bring him into the locker room to see if he’s okay.”

“Have you dealt with this injury before?” mom asked. “Maybe me or Lizzie can go back there with you.”

“Do you know how embarrassed guys are when this happens? And it’s bad enough when a female checks on them.”

“I guess you’re right, it would be a little hard around us.” Mom stifled a giggle. “Sorry, honey, I didn’t mean to laugh. At least let me help you get him to the lockers.”

As we made it to the locker room, Rebecca and Lizzie fell in the middle of the mats, screaming and pulling each other’s hair. Mom dropped me off, then rushed back to settle the commotion in the dojo. We could hear the screaming from in here.

“Wonder what that was about?” coach asked. “It looked serious.”

I shrugged as I opened my legs a little, trying to lessen my aching pain. I couldn’t waste time thinking about Lizzie’s stupid problems while my future generations were at stake.

“I know this is a little embarrassing,” coach said as she gave my pants a tug, “but I have to check if you’re okay.”

“I’m fine.” I tried to push her hand away, but she easily overpowered me. “I just need to rest.”

“I’m not taking no for an answer. I can’t have someone get permanently injured on my watch.” She pulled at my pants again. “I knew I should’ve just canceled the instant my foot confirmed it.”

I stumbled backwards against the wall. My entire body was thumping in pain.

She took a few steps closer. “You can’t get away from me, and I’m not taking no for an answer. I have to visually inspect them.”

“Fine!”

She kneeled down in front of me. “Now I know this is embarrassing, but just try to think of something else. Think of the doctor’s office.”

I stared at the ceiling.

“Do you want to pull them down or should I?”

If I tried to lean over, I would probably crack my head open. It was hard enough trying to stand, even with the wall’s help.

The air felt freezing as she giggled.

“Well at least we know that works. Now I have to…”

She prodded around for a while. I winced when she gave them a squeeze.

“Did that hurt that badly? I barely cupped them.”

My legs snapped closed as I flung my head to see what she was doing.

“Now that was a squeeze. So you still have feeling. That’s good.”

“Are you sure you’ve done this before?”

“I coach a girls’ soccer team. They don’t have eggs.” She giggled. “Or would you rather have your mom or sister come in here and squeeze them? I can call them for you.”

“No no! It’s okay.”

“That’s what I thought.”

I stared back at the ceiling.

“So, do I get a little Joshy Massagy after this for making sure you’re okay?”

How the hell could she be thinking of massages at a time like this?

I shrugged. “I guess so.”

I jumped as I felt something soft press on my…

“Looks like it’s working fine.” She moved her sole up and pressed it into my stomach.

I stared down and saw her second socked foot heading straight for—

She giggled as I grunted in pain, then prodded her toe in lightly. “Still a little sensitive?”

This was the first time I noticed she was still wearing her soccer uniform.

“Sorry it’s a little sweaty from practice, but it looks like you don’t mind.”

I looked at the outfit again, trying to erase Rebecca from my mind. Why did she have to have that dumb baseball idiot as a boyfriend?

I looked down at coach’s face as she laid on her back, but it slowly morphed into Rebecca’s. I blinked, then stared back up at the ceiling and couldn’t help but think of what Rebecca did to me in the bathroom.

“First time with an older woman?”

My crotch felt like it was being slowly painted in sweat. It felt disgusting, but amazing at the same time.

I groaned when she pressed her heel in.

“Sounds like you’re getting better.” She pressed her feet in different locations. “Before you couldn’t even take a touch!”

“Did you really break someone’s cup?”

“Want to find out?”

Before I could even answer, my balls exploded as I was lifted up.

“Wow, you like it even better than I thought! It only took one stomp to get you to squirt.”

She wiped her face and licked her finger as she lowered me to the ground. I slid onto the floor, groaning, as she slipped off her socks and used them to wipe me down.

“Good news is, everything still works.”

My entire body still ached with every little movement, but I started pulling my pants back up.

“Bad news is, I don’t know what to do with these.”

“I’ll take them,” I said as I took the socks out of her hand. “I can hide them in my locker and get rid of them later.”

“I bet you will.”

As I opened my locker to hide the evidence, she pulled out my cup and smirked as she waved it at me.

“Forgot it?”

“Long story…”

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