Egg Breakers (Chapters 24–26)

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Chapter 24

I laid under my covers and practiced a couple breathing drills with Rebecca’s knee-high sock.

I couldn’t believe her and her mom slept here last night. My bed still smelled like them, so I laid in bed long past sunrise, pretending I was in an orange grove soccer field.

Maybe I should sleep downstairs more often when guests come over.

I imagined Rebecca in my bathroom, and stuck one end in my mouth while taking in a huge sniff.

“What’re you doing?”

I froze. I didn’t even hear anyone come in.

“Were you smelling something?”

Lizzie tried yanking on the covers, but I held them down, spit the sock out, and jammed it down below.

“Get the hell out!”

Lizzie pulled harder. “Sniffing mom’s panties now?”

“Stop it. I’m naked!”

“You liar.” Lizzie punched my head, then started pulling again. “Do you have my socks in there?”

Yuck. Absolutely disgusting. “Get out!”

She put me in a chokehold and yanked me off the bed, blanket and all.

“What’re you hiding, weasel?”

I struggled and tried my escape moves, but the blanket made it impossible. I jerked my head back.

Lizzie screamed and let go. “You little shit! That was my nose!”

I flung the blankets off me, only to be met with a kick directly in my crotch.

I collapsed to the floor as Lizzie stomped my cheek.

“I knew you weren’t naked.” Her foot ground harder. “Now what were you sniffing?”

“Mom!”

“You slept in so late, she thought you were dead. Might as well be.”

“Mom!” I grabbed Lizzie’s foot, it only caused her to stomp harder.

“We ate breakfast hours ago. She left.” Lizzie used my cheek and back as a step, and began flipping through my sheets.

I got up on hands and knees.

“Wait til Reebee finds out about this!”

My heart dropped as Lizzie swung the sock around.

“You were sniffing your imaginary girlfriend’s socks?”

“She’s not imaginary!”

“These aren’t even hers.” She gave it a sniff and gagged. “They’re mine.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Remember our little two-on-one self-defense class?” Lizzie kicked my side. “We swapped socks before coming in here.”

“Liar!” I leaped up, trying to snatch it away. “They smell nothing like yours!”

“So you were smelling these.” Lizzie laughed as she shoved them in my nose. “Sniff!”

I jerked my head to the side, but she kept it pinned to my face.

“I said sniff!” Lizzie kicked my ribs and shoved me to the ground.

I sniffed.

“Good weasel.” Lizzie pulled it away and stepped on my nose. “Now smell this.”

I groaned as I turned my head away.

“Sniff it or I’ll be breaking more eggs for breakfast!”

I sniffed.

“Louder!”

I sniffed louder and started gagging.

“Don’t they smell the same?”

I jerked my head out from under her foot as she cackled and nudged my ribs with her toes.

I launched up and grabbed for the sock, only for it to brush my fingers.

“These are going in the laundry.” She kicked my butt, causing me to stumble head-first under my bed.

By the time I ripped my head out, she was spinning the sock in the doorway.

“Did you know Jules is coming over today? We’re going to have a field day with this.”

* * *

I stayed in bed for the next hour. I couldn’t believe it. There’s no way that could’ve been Lizzie’s. They were on Rebecca’s feet the entire time.

I gave my pillows another sniff and gagged—smelled like half-spoiled fruit.

I ripped everything off my bed and made my way to the laundry room. Lizzie was nowhere to be found, and the house was dead-silent.

As I stuffed everything into the washing machine, I spotted something neon yellow out of the corner of my eye.

I picked them up and sniffed them—smelled like Lizzie’s. I gagged.

I picked up a brown one—smelled like oranges.

My brain must’ve been fried from the kick this morning, that’s the only explanation. At least I still had Aunt Nikki’s stashed away, and I know those smell like perfume.

After I ate breakfast and remade my bed—with fresh smelling sheets—I did my daily practice in my room. Today was headbutts, lots and lots of headbutts.

I still laughed at me getting Lizzie right in the nose. If only I didn’t have the blanket on, I could’ve seen her stupid face.

I threw a few more when I heard the door open.

“Joshy Woshy!” Julia yelled from downstairs. “Your imaginary girlfriend is here!”

I rushed out of my room and made my way down the steps, only to be greeted by Lizzie swinging the sock around.

“Here she is!” Lizzie tried shoving it in my face as they both laughed.

“Don’t you want to give her a kiss?”

“Maybe a sniff?”

I smacked Lizzie’s hand away as Julia sat down and pulled off her sneakers.

“We got four more girlfriends for you here.” Julia peeled off her socks.

“While you were in your room practicing—”

“—we practiced soccer all day.”

They both laughed as I made my way towards the kitchen.

“Get Jules a bowl of cereal.”

“Heck, get yourself a bowl too. I know it’s your favorite!”

I could hear them both cackling as I grabbed an orange off the counter and started peeling it by the sink.

An arm reached behind me and plucked half away.

“Thanks, favorite cousin.” Julia shared some with Lizzie.

Lizzie yanked it out of her hands. “When was I downgraded?”

“You weren’t.” Julia grabbed another piece of orange from me. “You didn’t let me finish my sentence.”

I grabbed another orange off the counter and began peeling.

“So,” Lizzie said, “finish your sentence.”

“Too late, you ruined the joke.”

“Did it have to do with eggs?”

“Yep!” They both burst into laughter as Julia took another half.

“Maybe he should get a reward for peeling these oranges for us.”

Julia pinched my cheek. “Would you like a trophy, Joshy Woshy?”

I nodded my head no as she snatched the just-peeled half and threw it to Lizzie. I ripped an apple off the countertop and plopped down in my seat.

“Do you want this flipflop?” Lizzie smirked as she sniffed the orange.

Julia grabbed two oranges and started peeling them. “Flipflop, is that some nickname your mom gave oranges?”

Lizzie smirked at me.

“No,” I said, “they’re just called oranges.”

“Flipflop, flipflop,” Julia said as she juggled them near us. “I could see how they flip and flop between my hands.”

Lizzie continued smirking as she grabbed one out of the air.

Julia sat down across from me. “So, Lizzie tells me you played a new game yesterday?”

“It was training.” Lizzie ate a slice. “I felt bad for him, so I came up with it.”

“What a thoughtful sister.”

I continued eating my apple. Anything I said would make this situation worse.

“It was pretty fun,” Lizzie said. “You know how in movies, they sometimes dodge in slow motion?”

Julia nodded.

“Well he got hit so many times, he wished he could have that power. Joshy Woshy stinks.”

“Did anyone get his…” Julia laughed and crossed her eyes.

“I was aiming for them the entire time!”

They both burst into laughter as I finished my apple. I felt myself turning red.

“It’s true! She got you again!” Julia patted my arm. “You’re lucky I wasn’t there, or you’d probably never be able to have kids again!”

“You should’ve seen everyone’s reaction.”

“What did your mom do?”

“Made him smell her sneaker.”

“She what?” Julia snickered as she touched my arm. “Did you like it?”

“Of course he did!”

They both cracked up as I felt myself burning like the sun.

Julia finished her orange. “Maybe he should get a whiff of mine.”

“He loves to smell imaginary girlfriends.” Lizzie put her feet on the table.

“Do you love these blue knee-high socks?” Julia asked. “They’re just like your girlfriend’s.”

I threw my apple in the trash and made my way towards the door.

“Did you know he really loves soccer? He took $50 to go behind the bleach—”

I stopped in the doorway and whipped around.

“Excuse me!” Julia said. “Private conversation!”

“It was a big misunderstanding,” I said.

“That girl using you as a doormat?”

“Me and Reebee scared her away. She was psycho.” Lizzie sighed and looked at me. “But you took $50 from her?”

Julia shot me a glare. “Yep, and he said she could wipe her eggs off on him.”

“That’s not true!” I ran over to shake Julia.

Lizzie slammed my head on the table and yanked my arm behind my back.

“Why would Jules take $50?” She pulled my arm harder.

“That psycho paid her to look the other way! Stop lying, Julia.”

Julia shrugged. “Not what I remember.”

Lizzie pressed my head into the table. “Are you going to calm down now?”

“Yes! Yes!” It felt like my arm was going to be pulled out of its socket.

Lizzie threw me to the floor and stepped on my back.

“That’s exactly how it was,” Julia said. “Except he put the $50 in his pocket first.”

“Maybe that girl was onto something.” Lizzie laughed. “Remember the sleeping bag?”

Julia nodded.

“I actually made him be mom’s doormat right over there.”

“You see? He probably loved it.”

Lizzie laughed as she stepped off me. “Almost as much as he loves eggs in his mouth.”

I ran for my room as fast as I could as they laughed like never before.

“There better be three imaginary girlfriends left over there or you’ll get broken eggs!”

* * *

Luckily, nobody bothered me the rest of the night. Before mom came home, I rushed down to set the table—we were going to be eating chicken tonight, so everything had to be perfect.

Both devils came walking in together.

Julia rubbed my hair. “Thanks for setting the table.”

“You’re welcome.”

Lizzie giggled. They both gave each other the eyes as they circled around the table. They were up to something.

Julia sat down and stretched her arms while yawning. Lizzie did the same.

Definitely up to something.

“So,” Lizzie said, “what were you doing in your room all day?”

“Nothing special.”

Julia fake yawned. “Are you sure?”

I nodded.

Lizzie copied Julia, then rested her feet on the table. “Wow, am I tired.”

Julia did the same, and they both wiggled their bare feet.

“What’s with you two?” I tried moving my plate away, but Julia pinned it with her heel.

“Aren’t you wondering where your imaginary girlfriends are?” Julia pressed her toes on my hand.

I yanked my hand away. “Don’t care.”

“You should care.” Lizzie lowered her toes onto the edge of my plate and wiggled them. “Would be a shame if mom came home and found a girlfriend hiding in your…”

Both of them pulled the fakest yawn, and started giggling.

I sprinted upstairs and ripped off my sheets. I must’ve spent the next thirty minutes tearing every nook and cranny apart, sniffing every little thing, trying to find a sign of their dreadful “girlfriends.” I looked under my pillow, my bed, in my closet, and even in my secret stash—nothing was touched.

I made my bed nicely and made my way downstairs. I already heard laughter.

“Have a nice nap?” mom asked. “Lizzie and Julia said you just went to sleep not that long ago.”

“We didn’t want to disturb him,” Lizzie said.

“Yeah,” Julia said, “so we set the table as quietly as possible.”

“That’s so nice. You two are so great together.” Mom put some chicken on my plate while Julia and Rebecca smirked.

I felt sick.

Mom placed my plate down and patted my seat. “You’re usually wolfing down the entire bucket already. Are you okay?”

I went into the cabinets to grab a new plate.

“There’s already one here,” Lizzie said.

“Still a little tired from your nappy wappy?” Julia covered her mouth and laughed.

“You guys know how he is, a little cranky after his naps,” mom said. “So stop teasing him.”

I sat back down with my new clean plate, and started digging through the bucket.

“Already made it for you.” Mom waved the full plate in my face.

“Earth to Joshy.” Lizzie giggled.

I ignored them and took out the best pieces, then began eating as Lizzie and Julia’s eyes were as wide as saucers.

Mom placed the plate down near them. “You guys act like you’ve never seen him eat chicken before.”

They both giggled as they pulled food from my old plate.

Something was very fishy. I slowed my eating, but it tasted so good.

“Wow,” Julia said, “back to human speed.”

Lizzie brushed her foot on my leg. I kicked her back.

“So what did you two do today?” mom asked.

“Nothing much.” Lizzie brushed her foot on me again. “We met four new friends while playing soccer today.”

Julia placed an empty chicken bone down. “Yep, but then they disappeared soon after.”

“Josh, did you ever find them?”

Mom touched my arm. “He went to practice with you?”

I continued stuffing my face, trying to ignore the conversation. Lizzie rested her foot on my knee. I shifted my leg, but her sole stuck to me like glue.

“I guess not.” Julia shrugged. “We played soccer for hours, while he was off doing something else.”

Lizzie scrunched her toes. “Maybe he got a new girlfriend.”

Mom clapped. “Joshua getting a girlfriend? When do I meet her?”

“Joshy Woshy getting a girlfriend?” Julia almost fell out of her chair laughing. “Who would date a loser like that?”

“Yeah.” Lizzie slammed her foot into my groin. I dropped my fork while curling into the table. “What if they found out we break his eggs?”

I picked up my fork and tried closing my legs.

“Awww.” Mom held her hands on her heart. “His face is turning all red and he can’t even stop thinking of her.”

Lizzie wiggled her foot back and forth, and then it disappeared.

“Joshy,” Julia said, “you don’t look so good.”

“Do I need to get some water for my little lovebird?” Mom grabbed my glass and refilled it with water.

As soon as mom turned around, I launched the hardest kick into Lizzie’s leg. She almost flew out of her seat, then glared directly through the back of my eyes. I was probably going to pay for that later, but it was so worth it.

Luckily mom turned around just in time and placed my glass down.

“Thank you, mom.” I drank the water in one gulp. “I think I’m done.”

“Not going to tell us about your girlfriend?” mom asked. “Why don’t you invite her for the sleepover?”

“Sleepover?”

“Oh,” Lizzie said, “we didn’t tell you? Jules is sleeping over tonight. Must’ve been while you were making out with your imaginary girlfriend in bed.”

Julia chuckled. “Actually, it was your mom’s bed. Better not have left any evidence in there.”

“My room?” Mom shot a glare as she gripped my ear. “You know my room is off limits, especially when guests are in this house. Maybe I’ll have to start making you sleep in the middle of the living room so someone could watch you all night.”

The two devils laughed. “Great idea, mom.”

“He can sleepover with us,” Julia said. “We’ll be sure to watch him for you.”

I tried twisting out of mom’s grip. I needed to get out of here and find those socks before mom did.

“Can I go brush my teeth now?”

Mom let go of my ear. “You may. But I want you back down here in five minutes.”

Both devils snickered as they gave each other the eyes. “This is going to be the best sleepover ever!”

Chapter 25

I sprinted right by the bathroom and rushed into mom’s room.

I didn’t see anything off, it looked exactly like it always does. I gave the bed a quick sniff, but it smelled fine. I quickly looked under the pillow and sheets, nothing was there.

As soon as I stuck my head under the bed, I knew I found something—I could smell it.

My heart was beating as I stared into the darkness and watched as my hand slipped under. I felt like my fingers were going to get snapped in a mouse trap, except instead of stinky cheese, I would be caught by stinky socks!

My fingers gripped something sticky. I gasped.

I yanked it out and was horrified—mom’s egg breakers were still sticky with ice cream, and they smelled atrocious. Why the hell weren’t these in the laundry?

I started to gag.

“I don’t hear brushing!”

I almost jumped out of my skin as I threw the sock back under the bed.

I whipped out of mom’s room and leaned out of the bathroom doorway. “I’m about to brush now, I just had to go to the bathroom!”

I heard more laughter coming from downstairs. Who knows what they were talking about—probably the sticky trap they just left for me.

I brushed my teeth as quickly as I could and made my way into my room. I laid under my covers and hoped they forgot about everything. Maybe this would all blow over. Julia would sleep over and be gone tomorrow, and my life could go back to normal.

I heard a knock on my doorframe.

“Wake up, sleepyhead,” mom said.

“I’m sleeping.”

Mom sat on the edge of my bed and began scratching my back. “How can you be sleeping if you’re talking to me.”

“Sleeptalking.”

Mom giggled. “Come on, wake up. It’s not every day you see your cousin Julia.”

“I’ve already gotten too much of them in one day.”

“They were both so excited to have you join them for their sleepover, just like old times.”

“They’re probably going to be talking about stupid girl stuff and watch stupid girl movies.”

Mom patted my back and pulled my sheets off my head. “I’ll be sure to order them to do what you want.”

“Not happening.”

“Then I’ll order you!” Mom gave me a stern look and giggled. “Or do I need to turn into Mrs. Bad Breaker?”

I groaned and rolled over, pulling the sheets above my head. “I’ll see Julia next time.”

I felt my bed bounce and compress again as mom sat down on the other side. She ripped the sheets off my head.

“Don’t make me say it twice, or you’re grounded.”

I groaned as I rolled out of bed.

Mom giggled. “Wow, I didn’t know Mrs. Bad Breaker was so persuasive.”

I pulled my sheet out of mom’s hands and made my bed nicely. Mom rubbed my hair and gave it a kiss.

“Don’t forget to bring your pillow!” She yanked the pillow off my bed and tossed it in the doorway.

“Mom, what the hell are you doing?”

“Mrs. Breaker just wanted to do some extra training.” Mom giggled as she stepped on it and ground it into the floor.

I watched my pillow get squished flat.

“Lucky your pillow doesn’t have a black belt on,” mom said as she winked, “or he’d be in real trouble.”

She raised her foot and gave it a stomp.

“Okay girls!” mom yelled out of the door. “Joshy Woshy will be down in a minute!”

I continued staring, with my mouth wide open, as mom marched on my pillow and gave it one final twist.

“Didn’t you tell me practice makes perfect?”

* * *

Lizzie and Julia already were laying down, watching TV, grinding their feet into the foot-pillows. Julia peeked over the couch.

“What took you so long?”

“Yeah,” Lizzie said, “you were supposed to brush your teeth and come right down.”

“We had the movie paused this entire time so you wouldn’t miss a thing.”

Lizzie crossed her eyes. “Did mom find your imaginary girlfriends?”

I walked around the couch as Julia cracked up. “Can one of you sit up?”

“Nope.” Julia flattened herself out even further.

I took a step in Lizzie’s direction, and she did the same.

“Well how are we supposed to watch movies if I can’t sit?”

“Not our problem,” Lizzie said as Julia giggled.

I knew this was going to be the start of one hell of a “sleepover.”

I kicked my feet out from under me and landed right onto Lizzie’s stomach.

Lizzie screamed and punched my ribs. “Get off, you little weasel!”

I wiggled my butt in further and laughed.

Lizzie dug her fingers into my ribs. It hurt, but it only made me laugh more as I bounced as hard as I could on her stomach. She gave me a huge punch on the shoulder.

Julia laughed. “Joshy’s got the comfiest seat in the house.”

Lizzie glared at her and gave me another punch. I gave her another bounce.

“Yep,” I wiggled, “super comfy.”

Lizzie groaned and tried to knee me, so I slid down a little further and pinned her legs.

Julia continued laughing as she started the movie. “Looks like there’s no escape.”

Lizzie sat up and swung a pillow at my head. I smacked it out of her hands and pinned her arms.

“Will you two shut up?” Julia rolled over and picked up the pillow. “You’re ruining the movie.”

I yanked Lizzie’s hands around and began hitting herself with them.

“Stop hitting yourself. Stop hitting yourself.”

The more furious Lizzie became, the happier I felt.

I bounced again and heard her groan, gave her one final slap, then wiggled my butt and settled in.

Lizzie stopped struggling, so I finally let her arms go. I smirked as I started to watch the movie.

“Finally!” Julia turned down the volume. “Peace and quiet.”

“Can you pass me that pillow, Jules?”

Julia handed her the pillow, which she promptly stuck back under her head.

I sat back and relaxed. “So what movie is this?”

Julia waved her hand in my direction.

“Is this a girly movie?”

Julia shot me a glare, then turned up the volume.

“What genre—”

Lizzie punched me in the balls.

Julia cracked up as I curled over and held myself. “Do they have movies like that?”

“They do now!” Lizzie chuckled as she laid back.

As I rocked back and forth, I couldn’t even concentrate on the movie anymore.

“Why are you making that wheezing noise? Did something get your eggs?”

Julia laughed as she continued messing with the volume.

Lizzie patted my back. I shrugged her away. She punched my shoulder.

“Will you two idiots stay quiet?” Julia threw a pillow at me.

I caught it, placed it on Lizzie’s legs, and slammed back down on it. Lizzie glared at me, then crossed her eyes.

After a while, I finally started feeling a little better and was able to concentrate on the movie. I missed the first few minutes, but usually it’s just boring introduction anyway.

Once we all settled in, it actually was really nice being able to hang out with these two. Reminded me of the old days before Julia moved away, we used to watch movies and sleepover each other’s houses every week.

About halfway through the movie, Julia rolled over and sat up. “Does anyone want popcorn?”

“Me!” I raised my hand and bounced on Lizzie’s stomach as Julia walked towards the kitchen.

Lizzie punched my ribs. “Get off, I need to help her.”

I looked down at her and wiggled a little more on my pillow. I had to savor every second of her misery, but I finally decided to let her up.

She leaped off the couch and rushed into the kitchen.

I settled back down on the couch and heard the microwave turn on, and them whispering about something. If those two devils were plotting something, so would I.

I sat on both their head-pillows and released a long, drawn-out fart. I quickly put them back the way I found them and rushed back to my original seat.

Lizzie and Julia walked into the living room with a bowl of popcorn.

“Mom’s going to kill you two.”

They both sat down on the couch and popped more popcorn into their mouths.

Lizzie chewed with her mouth open. “Who’s going to tell?”

“You?” Julia giggled.

I nodded no, and reached over to get some.

Lizzie punched my hand. “This is only for us.”

“Since you were so rude.”

“When was I rude?” I reached for some popcorn again, but Lizzie smacked me away.

“So,” Julia said while eating some more, “aren’t you wondering where your four girlfriends are?”

“Nope.” I settled back into the couch. “Don’t know, don’t care.”

Lizzie giggled as she ate another fistful. “Wow, this popcorn is so good.”

It really did look and smell amazing. My mouth started watering, but I sat back and crossed my arms, trying to act as uninterested as I could.

Julia started the movie back up. “Is this bowl clean?”

“Yep, no dirt.” Lizzie smirked at me. “If it did, then Joshy Woshy would eat it all up.”

“Like that chicken?”

Lizzie popped another popcorn in her mouth as her smile grew even wider.

“What was with the chicken?” I asked. “I spoiled your plans. Didn’t you see me get a new plate?”

They both continued cackling as they shoveled popcorn into their mouths.

“Did you check the plate before you ate?” Lizzie held her sides and laughed even harder.

I felt my stomach drop through the floor.

“You’re looking a little green,” Julia said.

“When you rushed upstairs, me and Jules rubbed our feet all over it.” They both burst into laughter. “And then we put it back in the cabinet.”

My stomach lurched as the dirt was doing jumping jacks inside my intestines.

Julia almost choked. “Wasn’t that the yummiest chicken you ever ate?”

“With our special foot-spice on it. Joshy’s favorite!”

I ran for the bathroom and made it just in time. I made sure to get every drop of foot-spice out of my system before I curled over and hung my head on the bowl. Time to add another thing to my list I could never eat again.

Who knows how long I was out of commission when Lizzie and Julia came barging into the bathroom.

“Told you we didn’t have to knock.” Julia pushed a glass into my view.

Lizzie knelt down next to me and scratched my back. “Are you feeling okay?”

I grunted into the side of the toilet as Julia nudged the glass closer with her foot.

“Why did you rush out of there so quickly?”

Julia laughed, moving the water closer. “I promise we didn’t step in it this time.”

I grunted as Lizzie continued rubbing my back.

“You know we were just teasing you.”

“Yeah,” Lizzie said. “We actually put the plate right in the dishwasher after you left.”

“We aren’t that gross.” Julia poked my side with her toe.

“Why the hell would you guys joke about that?” I pushed Julia’s leg away and reached for the glass.

“Thought it would be funny.” Julia shrugged.

Lizzie shrugged too. “And it was hilarious.”

“I actually tasted the dirt eating my insides.”

“Are you sure someone didn’t get you in the eggs?” Lizzie began cracking up. “You should’ve been here yesterday, Jules. I stomped on his face and made him put on my green socks and reminded him of—”

“Hilarious.” Julia laughed away as she rubbed my head. “Are you sure you didn’t eat any cereal earlier today?”

I almost threw up in my mouth as I swallowed the rest of the water.

Lizzie rubbed my back and gave it a few pats. “There, all better.”

“Now hurry up, we paused the movie for you.” Julia reached down and gave me a hug. “Sorry for teasing you.”

“Yeah, sorry for teasing you. We didn’t want you to throw up.”

They genuinely sounded sorry.

“It’s okay.” I hugged Julia back, and I was feeling generous, I gave Lizzie a hug too.

As we made our way into the living room, Lizzie and Julia stepped over 3 sleeping bags and sat down on the couch. I made my way around, and laid down on the other one.

“Since you weren’t feeling well,” Lizzie said, “we set up the sleeping bags for you.”

“We even laid extra blankets on the couch.”

“That’s nice,” I said as I curled up underneath one of the blankets. “I think I’m going to be heading to sleep soon.”

“Not until you see this part!” Julia said.

“We know how much you love the endings,” Lizzie said.

Julia raised the remote and pushed play.

It was the best part of any movie! The action hero was running around, destroying bad guys left and right. The entire base was exploding. Blood and guts everywhere as he swung the woman spy around to save her from danger. She hung onto his arm, looking at him dreamily.

The only way this movie could have been better is if it had a karate master in it!

I sat on the edge of my seat as I watched the mayhem happening in front of my eyes.

Both of them got split up, and the woman spy was backing towards a corner. She bumped into a bad guy, whipped around, and kicked him right between the…

Lizzie and Julia both burst into laughter as the bad guy held himself and fell over as his mask fell off—it was the action hero.

“Did you see that?” Julia rewound, then hit play again.

Lizzie cracked up as the spy kicked. “She got him right in the eggs!”

I felt myself sinking into the couch as Julia rewound.

“Don’t you wish you were him?” She pushed play.

Lizzie threw a pillow at me. “I think he’s the one who needs saving after that one!”

They both laughed even harder than before.

I gripped the pillow and kept quiet as I felt myself sinking.

“Great movie,” Julia said.

“The best!” Lizzie laughed as they both crossed their eyes at me.

I sank deeper.

“Well,” Lizzie said, “we’re going to brush our teeth now.”

“Night night!”

Both rushed for the steps, giggling the entire time.

I walked to my sleeping bag, grabbed my pillow, and threw it into the couch. I didn’t want to be smelling mom’s feet all night, but it was better than smelling farts or devils.

I fell asleep to the smell of perfume.

Chapter 26

What’s that rancid smell?

I stretched and knocked my hand into something. I whipped open my eyes—Julia’s feet hanging over the edge of the couch, hovering right above my head.

I rolled off the couch with my pillow, using it as a gas mask as I took in deep breaths of fresh air.

“Morning,” Lizzie said as she stepped over me. “Smelly dreams?”

Lizzie laughed as she sat down on the couch with her legs crossed, eating an orange.

I shot her a glare and spoke as quickly as possible. “Mom’s going to kill you when she smells oranges in here.”

As I shot back down for breath, Lizzie started bouncing her foot in my direction.

“I’ll just tell her Reebee’s mom left your favorite orange-smelling flipflops here.”

I sucked in a deep breath, and shot my head up. “I’ll tell her the real truth.”

“If you tell mom, then I’ll tell Jules what we really made the little weasel do.”

“What’d you make the weasel do?” Julia yawned and rolled over, stretching a hand out to Lizzie.

I glared at Lizzie as she smirked and handed Julia a slice.

“Sweet dreams?” Lizzie asked.

Julia curled and stretched her toes. “Very. You were right.”

“Right about what?” I shot back down to get another breath.

“Lizzie said if I slept on the couch and rested my feet up on the armrests, I would have amazing dreams.”

“And you forgot to shower last night after soccer too,” Lizzie said.

Julia shrugged and reached for another orange. “Can’t smell when you sleep. Didn’t bother me.”

“Didn’t bother me either.” Lizzie looked at me. “Did it bother you?”

I spoke through my gas mask. “It smelled like death!”

Julia laughed and scrunched her toes. “Did not! They smell fine.”

“Then why do I need a gas mask?”

Lizzie tried kicking it away, but I kept it pinned tightly to my face as I rolled towards the TV. She handed Julia the rest of her orange and headed for the kitchen.

“I’ll go grab us another one.”

I shot my head out of my pillow. “Get me one too!”

If all of us were eating in here, maybe mom wouldn’t be so mad. And I did need something to get that horrendous smell out of the air, and there wouldn’t be the smell of amazing eggs until later.

When Lizzie came back in, she tossed Julia an unpeeled orange. I held my hand out, waiting for her to toss me mine, but she just sat back down.

I waved my hand.

Lizzie looked at me. “Did you need something?”

“Hand me that one.”

“This one?” Lizzie lifted it and I nodded. “It’s mine.”

I stuck my head in my pillow and quietly groaned as I took in another deep breath. Why did she always have to cause trouble? Maybe if I acted nice…

I shot my head back up. “Oh great Lizzie, wonderful sister, can you please pass me that orange?”

“Sure,” Lizzie started to peel it, “since you asked so nicely.”

Wow, I didn’t think that would work.

I zoned out and continued breathing in my filtered air as they babbled on about boys or maybe even that stupid show they all watch. No way no how was I listening to one second of that crap.

My stomach growled, and when I looked up, Lizzie was already halfway done eating my orange. I waved my hand again, but they both ignored me.

“When am I getting my orange?”

They both ate a slice at the same time and stared at me like I was an alien.

“There’s no eating in here,” Lizzie said. “You know that.”

I scrunched my fist into my pillow. “You said you would pass—”

“I never said that,” Julia said.

“I was talking to—”

“I’ll tell you what,” Lizzie said. “You toss your little pillow over here so we can have a footrest, and I’ll give you the rest of my orange. Fair trade?”

“I need it to breathe! Not smell your horrendous feet for the next week while I sleep!”

“Oh,” Lizzie said, “if that’s the case, no orange.”

I paused as I tried thinking of the perfect comeback. I felt the veins popping out of my head as I continued giving her my most angry of stares.

“Fucking bitch.”

As soon as the words left my lips, I tried to suck them back into my mouth.

Lizzie and Julia just stared with their mouths open. Julia took another chew and swallowed, then slowly turned her head to see Lizzie’s reaction. Lizzie’s face was fuming as she popped the rest of the orange in her mouth.

“What did you just call me?”

“An orange witch!”

“I thought you did.” Lizzie swallowed the rest of the orange and threw the peel in my direction—it landed on the carpet. “Jules, did you hear what he called me?”

Julia nodded emphatically. “You know your mom’s going to kill him if she found out.”

“Maybe I should get her right now!”

Lizzie leaped up and was already up the second step. I had to do something.

“Stop!”

Lizzie slowly turned on her heel and crossed her arms, staring down at me.

“Please,” I said, lifting my pillow, “I’ll give it to you if you want a footrest. Just please don’t tell mom!”

“Nobody wants your stupid pillow anymore,” Lizzie said as she walked towards me.

“We want a better footrest now,” Julia said.

“Great idea.” Lizzie made her way over and stomped near my pillow. “Move it before I decide to stomp on your little weasel head next.”

Julia giggled and raised her legs high in the air as I started crawling over.

“Faster!”

Lizzie kicked my behind, which made me pick up the pace. As soon as I made it into position, Lizzie placed my pillow on my back and Julia slammed her feet down on it.

“Super comfy, you should try this!” Julia dug her feet in as Lizzie rested her heels on my hair.

“I think I like this spot better, then I can easily…” She knocked my head and pressed her foot down. “Neck straight! If you bend it again, I’m going to make you roll over, then me and Jules would have a great time practicing stomps!”

Julia laughed as she placed her feet on top of Lizzie’s and pushed down. “That would be fun! I know where I would be aiming!”

I tried to keep my neck as stiff as possible. What the hell was wrong with both of them?

“Move that pillow to the back of his head,” Lizzie said.

My neck flung up as all four feet left. A second later, Julia slammed the pillow down, and all four feet smashed down even harder than before.

“There,” Lizzie said, “that’s better.”

“Comfy down there, footrest?”

My neck strained under the pressure as Julia ran her toe down the side of my head and dug it into my ear. I had to concentrate on not moving an inch. I couldn’t give them any excuse to go tell mom what I said.

She pinched my ear with her toes. “Can you hear me!?”

“Yeah.” I moved my head slightly to free my ear, only to get a kick from Lizzie.

“Move again and you’re dead.”

“Did you hear that?” Julia giggled as she pinched my ear again. “Don’t move or you’re dead!”

I grunted. I so wanted to smash both of them as hard as I could and rush upstairs. Then all I would have to do is shove Lizzie into Julia, rush for the steps, and try to reach mom first. Once mom heard the words ‘orange in the living room’, she wouldn’t even listen to any lies they had to say!

Lizzie crossed her feet and pressed her heel down harder. “This footrest sucks.”

“It’s more fun if you play with its ears!” Julia used her second foot to hunt around the side of my head with her big toes.

She pinched my earlobe and I wanted to headbutt her feet away, but I just clawed the carpet as I thought of a plan.

Lizzie thwacked the side of my head with her sole. The pillow fell to the floor as my head flew sideways. Julia gasped.

I stared at the floor and didn’t dare move as Lizzie ground my pillow into dust. I was too afraid to look up and see her face, but I could feel the fury radiating from her legs.

There was silence forever as Lizzie’s toes kneaded my pillow.

“You know what,” she said as she curled her toes, “I think my memory’s coming back. I think I’m going to—”

Now’s my only chance. I rolled away from Julia’s foot and springboarded up and off the couch like a cheetah.

If I looked behind me, the both of them were probably in too much shock, mouths agape, not knowing what to do. But there’s no way I was turning around—never turn around when getting chased by predators, it’ll only slow you down.

I prepared for a cheetah-run the instant my foot touched the bottom step. My hands flung forward as fast as a one-two punch.

I heard a bang and then felt the back of my head explode as I fell face-first into the steps.

“Lizzie!” Julia said. “You almost killed him!”

“I didn’t think it would work that good!”

Julia laughed uproariously. “You threw your mom’s sneakers like a perfect boomerang. Are you part Australian?”

“What was that noise?” mom asked from upstairs.

I was laying on my back at the bottom of the steps, feeling like my entire face was swollen like a blueberry.

“G’day mom!” Lizzie put on her best Australian accent. “Would you like some breakfast?”

Mom peeked her head from the top of the steps. She rushed down as soon as she saw me.

“Oh my gosh, Josh! What happened?”

“Someone put your sneakers on the steps,” Julia said, “and I think he tripped on them.”

“Oh my goodness, honey, I’m so sorry.” Mom stood on the first step, looking down at me. “I think I left those there last night!”

“Do you want us to make breakfast, mom?”

Lizzie and Julia were already in the kitchen doorway. I watched as Lizzie tossed her orange peel in the air and scored it directly into the trash can.

“Are you okay?” Mom nudged my ribs with her toe and I nodded.

“Do you want some orange juice?” Lizzie asked.

“That sounds wonderful, sweetie.” Mom looked down at me and smiled as she sniffed. “I can smell it already!”

Julia popped into the doorway. “Do you want me to go get the mail?”

“No thank you,” mom said. “Since my shoes are already here, I’ll get it.”

Mom stepped on my stomach on her way to the floor, then stood next to me while putting her sneakers on.

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

I couldn’t believe she… Did she know I could be severely injured?

Mom walked halfway towards the kitchen and stopped when she saw my pillow on the floor.

“The day didn’t even start and Mrs. Breaker already crushed two black belts.” She stomped on my pillow and took a few micro-steps on it while turning around and giving me a huge smile. “Today’s going to be a great day!”

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