Egg Breakers (Chapters 31–32)

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Chapter 31

Rolling out of bed this morning was tough—my entire lower body felt like it got smashed by a dump truck. I hobbled my way to the bathroom, and spent an inordinate amount of time in there—every movement took ten times as long.

“Good morning, sleepyhead.” Mom grabbed my pillow and fluffed it up, then stuck it back beneath her feet. “I heard you flush and decided to wait in here for you. It took you long enough.”

I winced and stopped in the middle of the floor as I felt my stomach ache.

Mom flexed her foot in my direction. “Do you need my magic healing powers today?”

“No thanks, mom.”

“Are you sure?” Mom used her feet to hold my pillow up. “We can use this instead of foot-peas!”

I nodded no.

“Aw shucks, I could’ve used another foot massage after yesterday’s.” She shrugged and placed the pillow back down, grinding her toes into it. “I forgot to tell you yesterday how nice that was.”

I finally made it to the edge of my bed and sat down. “Do you mind moving? I think I need to lay back down.”

“Just lay down the other way!” Mom shifted the pillow over using her feet. “Maybe a nice change of scenery would do you some good.”

“But your—”

“Nonsense!” Mom leaped out of bed, lifted my legs, and forced me down. “There, you see? Isn’t that better?”

The air around my face smelled like mom’s feet, and it didn’t help when she laid back down and started scrunching her toes near my head.

“Ahhh, it feels good to relax after a long morning.” Mom rolled onto her side and used her arm as a pillow. “I went food shopping already, and I had to walk up and down the aisles for hours. Can you believe they changed the layout? Now I don’t know where anything is.”

She rolled over again, then scrunched her soles and started to whisper.

“And don’t tell Lizzie, but guess who I ran into there? Rebecca and her mom!”

My eyes shot open.

“I was laughing when I spotted them, because they were walking around with no shoes on! When I asked why, they both just said walking shoeless was supposed to be better for your body. Maybe I should try doing that.”

I tried to sink into bed and relax, but I couldn’t get last night out of my head.

“And guess what other new stuff they had?”

“Great story…” I groaned, trying to roll away from mom’s feet, but my body wasn’t having it. “Can I just go back to sleep?”

“Fried chicken!”

I jerked up and clapped, then felt pain shoot through my back.

“I knew you would love that.” Mom rolled over and stretched her leg in the air, trying to touch her toes.

I winced as I tried to lay back down.

Mom landed her foot on my chest and giggled as she pressed me back down. “It looks like you could’ve used some help. Maybe you should start walking around without shoes on too! It’s supposed to be so much better for your spine.”

Now that I was laying back down, my back probably wouldn’t let me flip over.

Mom rolled off my bed and began digging through my drawers.

“What are you doing?”

Mom closed and opened another drawer. “I’m trying to find the spare pillow.”

My eyes opened wide. I couldn’t let her open that next drawer. “Nobody ever uses that, because you have a million of them laying around the house.”

“I know,” mom said as she closed it and turned around, “but there’s the one you used since you were a baby. All that talk yesterday about your baby pictures made me—”

“It’s okay, I don’t—”

“Now where could it be?”

“Maybe it’s in the garage?” I needed to get her as far away from my room as possible to give me more time to move my secret stash.

“Don’t be silly.” Mom started taking things out of the closet and piling them on the floor.

I rolled out of bed—the thump caused her to look over for a split second.

“I know you’re worried about the pillow,” mom said. “I remember when you were a baby, every time you got hurt you hugged it, and it made all the booboos go away! It’s probably why you want it so badly right now.”

I started crawling along the floor towards her. “Really, mom, I don’t need—”

“It’s now my mission to find it.” Mom threw a few more clothes onto the pile, then stood on the mountain of clothes, trying to reach higher into the closet.

“It could be in the attic.” The mountain was blocking my way. There was no way I could make it through. Why didn’t I just roll off the other side? “Remember when you moved boxes of old stuff up there when painting our rooms?”

Mom got on her tippytoes as she reached for a box on the top shelf, then let out a grunt as she lost her balance and fell down to the carpet.

“Since you’re already down there, be a good son and crawl on this pile.” She walked behind me and kicked my butt. “Hurry!”

“Seriously, go check the attic!”

Mom nudged me a few more times with her foot, then got frustrated and dragged me on top of the pile. “Don’t move!”

She placed her foot on my back and pressed it in, making sure it was stable, then stepped right up and reached again.

I grunted under her weight, and felt my body radiate in pain again.

Mom rubbed her foot on my shoulder blades. “I should’ve thought of this earlier. You know the massage when people walk on your back?”

I winced and tried to speak.

“Well these magic feet are making you feel better already!” Mom stood on her tippytoes, trying to reach higher. “And once I find that pillow, you’ll forget all about these little booboos.”

She fell back down again, then stomped on the ground.

“I just need a little more—” She snapped her fingers, threw my pillow on my back, then stood right on it.

The pyramid of clothes compressed as mom’s feet dug into my spine. I groaned as she tried to keep her balance, then heard the sound of cardboard flipping open.

“Awww,” she said, “these are your little baby things.”

“They weigh… a ton!”

“Whoops, I forgot you were down there.” Mom giggled as she stepped down. “I thought I was still standing on clothes. I guess that’s a sign of a great stepstool.”

Placing the box on my bed, she began digging through it as I slowly crawled over the rest of the pile.

“Remember this?” She squealed like a schoolgirl, waving a dinky old toy in my direction as I nodded no. “Lizzie used to use this when she watched you. She held it like she was a prison guard and didn’t let anything bad come near you.”

“You know where other old things are? In the attic.”

Mom took another thing out. “And this?”

“How about you take that box and go looking through it downstairs?”

“Don’t you want to see it all?”

“It’s old junk!”

Mom kicked my ribs lightly. “These are memories!”

“You never even thought about them for a thousand years.”

Mom grabbed my pillow with her feet and used it as a footrest as she looked through the box.

“Can I please lay back in bed now?”

“You don’t have a pillow.” Mom smirked as she waved another object at me.

I winced as I struggled to roll over. “I think I want to take a nap, can you please go make some noise downstairs?”

“Why do you want me out of here so bad, are you hiding something?”

“No, it’s just—”

Mom giggled. “You know I know everything that goes on within these four walls. If I knew you were hiding something, I would find it.”

I fake yawned. “It’s just that I’m really sleepy. I just wanted to—”

“How about I make you breakfast in bed?”

“Yes! Eggs! With bacon and toast and jelly.” I had to keep her downstairs as long as possible.

Mom’s eyebrow raised as she stood and lifted the box up. “Did that knee make your brain fry? You never want—”

“I thought I could change it up. Bacon, extra crispy please.”

Mom kicked the pillow near my head and used her feet to tuck it under.

“You know what’s funny?” mom said as she lifted her foot. “I just tried some new lotion on today, it smells like bacon.”

I sniffed and was surprised—it was true.

“Now you can smell your pillow while you wait for food!” Mom rushed for the door. “I’ll be back real soon, then I can show you more things from the box.”

“Take your time!” I said, but mom was already gone.

I rolled over as quickly as possible and crawled for the drawer. I opened it up and shoved the old baby pillow aside, then dug out Aunt Nikki’s sock and Coach Baker’s card. I slipped the card in my back pocket when I heard a cough.

I slowly turned and saw mom with one foot on the pile of clothes.

“You knew where it was the entire time?”

“I… I just found it.”

Mom pressed her foot into my back. “And what else are you hiding in here? Drugs?”

“No… I would never do that… I—”

Mom lifted a sock. “Whose is this?”

“I don’t—”

Mom kicked my ribs and rolled me over, then stomped her foot into my stomach. “Is this where you hide them?”

“No, mom, I don’t—”

She pressed her foot in hard and flipped the sock inside out, then gave it a sniff. “Did you spray Aunt Nikki’s perfume in here to cover up the scent?”

“It’s not—”

Mom stood on me as she pulled out another sock, then started shaking it. “Who sold you the drugs?”

I groaned and grabbed mom’s legs. “Please, mom, you’ve got it all—”

She kicked my hands and lost her balance. One foot landed on my—my legs instinctively curled up.

“Tell me where they are!” Mom wiggled on one foot.

I groaned and held her leg some more.

“This hurts me more than it hurts you!” Mom bounced a little. “Tell me who sold them to you, or you won’t have any more eggs!”

“It’s not drugs!”

Mom stood between my legs and rested her foot on my knee as I held myself. “Then what was that card? If I don’t believe you, I’ll stomp until you tell me the truth!”

“My girlfriend!”

Mom gasped as her face went from scowl to elation in an instant. “You found a girlfriend?”

I took the card out of my pocket, mom ripped it out of my hands and held her cheeks.

“You’re in love?” She inspected the card. “And a drug dealer wouldn’t leave kissy lips on it.” She brought it to her nose and gave it a sniff. “And it looks like girl’s handwriting. She’s probably very pretty if she has handwriting like that!”

I groaned, trying to close my legs. Mom jumped a little as she looked down.

“I’m so sorry, sweetie.” Mom patted my hands with her foot. “I’ll go get the peas! I almost destroyed any chance of grandchildren!”

Mom nudged my hands away with her foot as she plucked the pillow out of the drawer and placed it on my crotch.

“I couldn’t believe I thought my son would do drugs.” She pressed down on the pillow gently with her foot. “You keep that there while I go get the peas, it’ll make that booboo go away!”

Mom giggled like a giddy schoolgirl as her cheeks turned red while looking at the card.

“I can’t wait to meet her! Invite C.B. over for dinner!”

“Well, I… it’s… I have a date tonight.”

Mom was already halfway out the door. “I knew those embarrassing stories would work!”

Chapter 32

Lizzie was standing on the porch with her mini-nightstick.

“Who’s C.B.?” She thwacked the stick in her hands a couple times. “Mom can’t stop talking about her.”

“She’s nobody. I randomly found the card on the ground!”

Lizzie smirked. “I knew you couldn’t get a girlfriend. Well, you better get one fast or mom’s going to kill you for lying to her.”

“Do you know of anyone who could act as C.B.?”

“Hmmm, C.B.…” Lizzie placed the end of the nightstick against her chin. “Why not invite Coach Breaker?”

I nervously chuckled.

“Mom would be so happy, the two of them seemed to get along.” Lizzie angrily stared at some bushes. “And it would probably take mom’s mind off of the whole imaginary girlfriend situation.”

“Thanks for the advice, but I don’t have her number.”

“I might be able to get it if you ask nicely.”

“Can I get it pretty please with sugar on top?”

Lizzie grunted and waved the nightstick in my direction, then flipped down her reflective sunglasses.

“So,” I said, “why are you out here?”

“Looking for a dead bitch walking!”

“Do you really think she would stop by here?”

“I could smell her from a mile away!” She sniffed the air a few times. “Even when I came out here this morning, I smelled her scent.”

I slowly started to make my way back inside, when Lizzie swung the nightstick in the doorway.

“Where were you last night at the time of 03:00?”

“Sleeping?”

Lizzie nodded, then whacked me with the nightstick.

“And 03:30?”

“Sleeping?”

She smacked me again. “Next one’s right in the babymakers.”

I rubbed my shoulder and took a few steps back. “Come on, Lizzie, I was sleeping all night.”

She stared at my crotch as she ran the nightstick down my arm. “I’m onto you, mister. No funny business in my house.”

She waved me ahead and continued staring angrily out into the street.

“You’re free to go, prisoner.”

* * *

“Is she still out there acting crazy?” Mom flipped the towel over her shoulder.

“You should’ve never showed her that old toy.”

“Probably brought out the wrong type of memories.” Mom chuckled as she put down my plate of bacon and eggs. “So when do I get to meet this girlfriend?”

I shrugged, then started wolfing down my eggs. “She probably wouldn’t be able to even get by Lizzie.”

“That’s only if your girlfriend was named,” mom peeked around the corner and whispered, “Rebecca.”

Lizzie opened the door and peeked inside, then closed it again.

Mom sat down across from me. “How’re the eggs?”

“I never thought I would say this, but I think I ate them too quickly.” I jumped when I felt mom’s foot on my leg.

“And those eggs?”

I pulled my chair back. “They’re doing better.”

“Sorry I did that.” Mom wiggled her toes. “You know how I am with drugs, and cursing! But if I knew you had a girlfriend… you know I would never…”

“I know.”

“And you know that drugs can negatively affect your childr—”

“I know!”

Mom giggled again. “But I sure am good at defeating black belts. They just lay there and let me stomp all over them!”

“I’m not a black belt.”

“Obviously.” Mom rested her foot on my chair. “Lizzie would never even fall down like that, especially around me. You know what drugs do? They turn you into Aunt Nikki. Maybe that’s why I flew into a rage, do you remember when she—”

“I remember.” I ate a strip of bacon.

Mom lifted her foot to her nose and gave it a sniff, then plopped both feet on the table.

“Is this your new favorite lotion?” She looked around and began whispering. “Or do you think I should get the orange one from Rebecca’s mom?”

Lizzie burst into the kitchen and whacked the oranges with her nightstick.

“What are these doing in here?” Lizzie picked up the bowl like it was toxic waste.

“Lizzie, put those down!”

Lizzie hesitated, then took one step towards the trash.

“Now!”

Lizzie placed the bowl back down, then thumped the nightstick against the countertop a few times as she grabbed an apple.

“So did you invite your girlfriend over yet?” Mom put her cheeks in her hands as her eyes sparkled.

Lizzie cracked up and couldn’t stop laughing as she almost choked.

“The only girlfriend Joshy Woshy has is a bunch of imaginary socks! Just ask Jules!”

“They aren’t imaginary,” mom said, “I saw them with my own eyes. Although one did smell like Aunt Nikki’s perfume.”

I ate bacon as I felt myself turning red. There was no way I could look at Lizzie, but I could already feel her eyes burning through me.

“Aunt Nikki’s, eh?” Lizzie whacked my shoulder. “Do you know anything about this?”

“No, sir!” I said while rubbing my arm. Lizzie whacked me again. “No, ma’am?”

“Lizzie, stop interrogating him.”

Lizzie grabbed my cheeks and forced me to face her. “I know what you were doing, mister. I’ll talk to you under the sheets later.”

“Let go of him this instant!”

Lizzie smirked as she backed off. “Since we all know Joshy Woshy doesn’t have a girlfriend, how about I invite someone else over to the house?”

“Who?” Mom asked as she clapped.

“Someone who’s never been in this house before. Someone who never gives up, someone who never surrenders.” Lizzie stood on the chair, putting her foot on the table as she saluted. “And who loves to break some eggs!”

“Oooh, a new egg-breaker.” Mom clapped and stood in the same position as Lizzie. “Who? Who?”

Lizzie screamed into her microphone. “Coach Breaker!”

They both laughed and hugged as they almost stepped on my plate, but luckily I ate the last piece of bacon before they could.

“I don’t know,” Lizzie said, looking down at me, “are you going to be okay with having someone like that in this house?”

“She did…” Mom giggled as she crossed her eyes. “She might do it again!”

Lizzie smirked as she stared down at me. “And I know just the way to get her here!”

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