Egg Breakers (Chapters 29–30)

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Chapter 29

“She’s dead to me! I never want to talk to her again!”

Lizzie must’ve been going on for a straight half-hour rant already. I needed something to drown out this noise.

“Can you turn up the music?” I asked.

Lizzie smacked mom’s hand when she reached for the volume. “I’m not done!”

“Yes you are, enough about Rebecca.” Mom playfully shoved Lizzie’s arm, then stared at me in the rear-view mirror. “Did any soon-to-be girlfriends give you their numbers today?”

“No, no numbers.” My fingers slid along the edge of a card Coach Baker stuck in my pocket. “No, none at all.”

Lizzie spun around and glared directly at me. “It’s all your fault I’m losing my best friend.”

“How is it my fault?”

“You couldn’t have just taken one little knee without falling?”

Mom adjusted the volume knob. “It’s not his fault, Coach Baker said the cup wasn’t designed to—”

“What the heck does she know?”

“Maybe we should’ve tested how hard it was beforehand.”

Lizzie couldn’t help but snicker as she spun around in her seat. “Your little cup probably couldn’t get hard any more after today.”

“Lizzie!” Mom smacked her arm again. “No more talking about his—”

“Peas?”

Mom chuckled while looking in the mirror. “Are your peas doing okay?”

It wasn’t hurting as much if my mind was elsewhere, but now that they kept bringing it up…

“They’re hurting,” I said, “probably need ice when I get home.”

“Better yet, the bag of frozen peas!” Lizzie said as she held her fingers out and laughed. “Remember when Aunt Nikki was here and stuck those in his crotch?”

“Of course I remember,” mom said. “I even kept them pinned with my foot.”

“You did what!?”

I felt myself turning red. I couldn’t even believe mom said that out loud.

“I didn’t want the bag to fall out of place for my Joshy Woshy while he ate his breakfast, so I—”

“Pressed peas into his peas?” Lizzie turned around as both of them cracked up.

“I guess you could say that,” mom said. “Josh didn’t seem to mind, isn’t that right?”

I shifted in my seat. “Can we change the subject please?”

“What, it’s hard thinking about mom’s foot on your—”

“Lizzie, stop teasing him. Of course it’s hard.”

Lizzie burst into laughter while mom looked perplexed again.

“Joshy probably just can’t think right now because of the pain. Don’t worry, sweetie, when we get home you can use the frozen peas.”

Lizzie stifled a giggle. “Just make sure mom doesn’t sit across from you.”

“Why not? I’ll hold it in place for him!”

I groaned out loud. “Can we change the subject please?”

“Okay okay,” mom said. “Enough about his broken peas.”

Lizzie laughed. “So, mom, what did you talk about with Coach Breaker?”

“Baker,” I said, caressing the card. “It’s Coach Baker.”

“That’s what I said.”

“Well,” mom turned the volume down, “she was telling me how great of a job you two did at practice.”

Lizzie took some money out of her pocket and began counting it. “Right after you pulled away, I already made $200.”

Mom high-fived Lizzie. “And the cooler of drinks I came up with?”

“Sold like hotcakes,” Lizzie said, “especially when I added the secret ingredient. Isn’t that right, Joshy Woshy?”

I leaned forward and smacked her arm, but instantly regretted it as my groin radiated in pain.

“It’s okay, honey. Just a few more blocks.” Mom reached back and rubbed my knee. “How much did you make from telling his embarrassing stories?”

“Probably another hundred.”

“Another hundred!?” Mom almost swerved off the road. “No wonder I couldn’t get him a girlfriend tonight, you ruined all his chances! One of the cute girls even asked me about him wetting the bed last year.”

Lizzie cracked up. “And what did you say?”

“I didn’t tell them anything,” mom said as she looked in the mirror. “Your secrets are safe with me. Although your red face did probably give it away.”

Both of them laughed as I just imagined how much slower this car ride could go. Did they lower the speed limit on these roads? Maybe if I dove out, I might bounce and land in the grass and not get that injured. Anything would be better than this.

“Although now that I know I could make money telling stories about your childhood, I might have to start coming to games with you two!”

“That would be great, mom,” Lizzie said, “then we could have more spa money.”

“What do I need a spa for when I have my very own Joshy Massagy?” Mom touched my knee again. “I was on my feet all day buying supplies for you two. Maybe when we get home, we can watch TV while you give me one of your world-famous foot massages.”

“And instead of a foot-pillow, you can use the bag of frozen peas!”

Mom clapped and almost swerved into our mailbox. “That sounds fantastic!”

I sprinted for the front door the instant we stopped, almost dropping my keys in the grass.

“Looks like he’s not even injured,” Lizzie said.

“Probably thinking hard about my magic foot massage.”

Both of them continued cackling as I flung the door open and ran upstairs.

* * *

Coach Baker’s card felt like I was holding a priceless artifact between my fingers. I delicately ran my fingers across the edge and leaned in close. It was my first chance looking at it without mom or Lizzie seeing:

‘Call me if you want to have a ball—C.B.’

She wrote her number on it and sealed it with a kiss.

Flipping it to see if there was anything else, I jumped when I heard footsteps in the hallway. I yanked open my secret stash and threw the card in there just in time.

“What are you doing up here? Don’t you remember my massage?”

“Not tonight, mom.” I turned around and tried to act as unsuspicious as possible. “I’m not feeling it.”

“I know you’re not feeling my sore feetsies, that’s why I need you downstairs!” Mom dove onto my bed and crumpled my pillow under her head. “Or we can do it here if you like.”

“I just want to sleep. I had a long day, and my… stuff… hurts.”

“It’ll be hurting a lot more if you don’t give me my massage.” Mom thrust her foot in the air. “If you don’t, Mrs. Bad Breaker might just happen to visit you in your sleep!”

I stared in disbelief as she chuckled. “You wouldn’t do that.”

“I know I wouldn’t.” Mom kicked again. “But Mrs. Bad Breaker would!”

“I’m going to brush my teeth.” That was the only excuse I could think of right now that would work on mom 100%, but I had to think of something else fast.

“Don’t brush too good, because my alter ego might just make you eat your own eggs!”

Mom threw the pillow right for my crotch and I punched it out of the air, making it land back on my bed. When I reached for it, she slammed her feet on it and scrunched her toes.

“Get those hands away from that.” Mom kicked my fingers lightly. “If you’re not downstairs and sitting on the couch in a few minutes, this’ll become my new permanent foot-pillow.”

I could survive without a pillow.

“Or maybe if you skip the brushing, Mrs. Good Breaker will see you down there and I’ll even make you a bowl of ice cream.”

“I can eat it in the living room?”

“Of course.” Mom rolled off the bed. “And you won’t even have to eat it off my dirty socks.”

“Gee thanks.”

Mom sprung off the bed and pinched my cheek as she looked down at me. “So we have a deal?”

I couldn’t say no to ice cream… and how bad could one quick massage be?

* * *

“What are you doing in there? Getting peas for your peas?”

I could hear Lizzie’s cackling from the living room as I closed the freezer and made myself a bowl of ice cream.

“I told Joshy Woshy he could eat a bowl of his favorite food in here.”

“You what!? Is he eating it off your dirty socks?”

Mom giggled. “No, but if he drops anything in here, he’ll be eating my socks for a week! And these need a good cleaning, I’ve been wearing them for a couple of days.”

I placed the bowl on top of the frozen peas and stared at the mountain of ice cream—it looked incredible.

Lizzie rolled onto her stomach. “We could make his mouth a laundromat and charge money for it!”

“Would people really pay for that?”

“Of course they would!” Lizzie smirked at me as I sat down. “Maybe Joshy Woshy would even pay them for the privilege.”

Mom laughed and scrunched her toes in the carpet as I savored the first spoon of incredible ice cream.

“Look,” Lizzie said, “he’s nearly orgasming about the thought already!”

“How much would you pay me to clean my socks?” Mom rested her foot on my leg.

“None.” I ate another spoon.

She scrunched her toes. “What about my yoga pants?”

“None.”

“Favorite socks?”

“None!”

“Panties?”

“That’s disgusting, mom.” Lizzie rolled over and gave me the angriest glare. “Some disgusting, despicable, horrendous, no-good so-called—”

Mom groaned. “Enough about Rebecca already. How did that even come up?”

Lizzie’s stare became even more intense, and I could see my ice cream melting faster, so I ate another four scoops.

“Wow, honey, slow down!” Mom wiggled her toes on my leg. “Are you that excited for the main event?”

I ate more heaping scoops as I tried to ignore them—I needed to savor every moment of this.

“He just can’t wait for your magic foot!”

Both of them laughed as mom leaned over and reached for the peas.

“Honey,” mom said, “can you lift that bowl so I can prep my foot-pillow?”

“Are you seriously going to stick it there?” Lizzie rolled over and sat up. “I can’t miss this!”

I finished my bowl of ice cream with a couple clinks of my spoon.

“So what’ll it be?” Mom asked. “Foot-peas or foot-pillow?”

As I leaned over to put the bowl on the table, Lizzie rolled off the couch and snatched the peas in one swift motion, launching them into my crotch. I dropped the bowl as my hands flew in, but Lizzie caught it at the last second.

“Foot-peas it is!” Mom laughed, using her foot to press me back into the couch.

Lizzie kneeled in front of me and stared. “Should I grab the camera?”

“For what?”

“How often do I see my brother giving his mom a wonderful massage?”

Mom rubbed my shoulder with her other foot. “Or maybe it’s his stupendous mom giving her injured son a massage!”

“I’m sure he loves it.” Lizzie smirked at me and pinched my leg.

“Are those frozen peas making you feel better?”

I nodded. “Probably would’ve been better if Lizzie never threw it.”

“But where’s the fun in that?” Lizzie leaned back on her hands.

“Yeah,” mom said, “why didn’t you dodge it?”

“Like you did our shoes!”

Mom laughed. “He did do an amazing job dodging and knocking those out of the air.”

“Maybe there was some egg magnets on the bag.”

Mom used her feet to lift and inspect it. “Nope, no magnets.”

Lizzie pointed at my crotch. “It’s a huge wet spot!”

“You’re right! It’s like a repeat from a year ago.” Mom couldn’t help but laugh as she dropped the peas in place. “I’ll cover that for you.”

I groaned and curled over.

“Did mom get your sensitive spot?”

“Of course it’s sensitive,” mom said, “his cup took a couple of huge hits today.”

Lizzie smirked. “Did you see the one Coach Breaker did?”

“I was there. Didn’t you hear me cheering?” Mom nodded and pressed her heel into the peas. “Massage.”

I massaged mom’s foot as she flexed her toes. The peas actually weren’t that bad, and the freezing cold did make some of the ache go away.

“Who was your favorite kicker today?” mom asked. “Was it the really cute one that put you down?”

“Why would that be my favorite?” I groaned as mom shifted her feet around.

“Because you probably can’t get her off your mind for the next few days.”

“Yeah,” Lizzie said, “you’ll probably be thinking about that knee for the rest of your life! You’re probably in love!”

“My Joshy Woshy… in love?” Mom held her hands to her cheeks and pressed her foot down a little. “We have to make sure you get back to 100% so you can ask her out!”

“Mom’s magic foot can help.” Lizzie smirked and leaned in closer. “Mom, I think you missed a spot.”

Mom prodded her toes in the peas and squished my… I groaned.

“Whoops, sorry honey, it’s hard to tell the peas from your own peas.”

Lizzie cracked up. “Are they that tiny?”

Mom laughed and switched feet, thrusting her wet sock into my hands. “I don’t know how big they are now, the last time I saw him naked was when he was just a—”

“Mom!” I squeezed her foot. “Can we please change the topic? Why does everything have to be about my—”

“Eggs?” Both of them laughed, and then laughed even harder when they noticed they said it at the same exact time.

“Yeah, that.” I stopped massaging.

“We just want to make sure you’re okay!” Mom pulled her foot out of my hands and rested it on my leg. “And we need to make sure Lizzie becomes an aunty.”

“That’s why mom keeps trying to find you a girlfriend.” Lizzie touched her foot to my leg and I kicked it away.

“I don’t need help,” I said, “I’m doing just fine.”

“Maybe we have to tell the girls his lap is very comfy.”

“Great idea, Lizzie. Although it’s not as comfy as his face.” Mom scrunched her toes. “We could even tell them we have firsthand experience.”

Lizzie rested her heel on my knee and wiggled her toes. “Want me to tell them you massage all four of our feet?”

“No!” I smacked her foot away, but she just slammed it back in place.

“Six,” mom said.

“Huh?” Lizzie rested her other foot on the couch between my legs.

“You forgot, he also massaged Aunt Nikki’s feet.”

I needed to get out of here, but I was pinned on all sides. “Can I go brush my teeth now? I’m very tired.”

“Why?” Lizzie pushed her foot forward and patted the peas. “You don’t want us to get you a girlfriend?”

“No!” I smacked her foot away, but she pressed in harder.

“Lizzie, stop holding his peas in place!” Mom laughed. “He can’t get up.”

“Of course it can’t get up, it’s probably frozen and shriveled like a little—”

Mom couldn’t stop laughing. “I should get his baby pictures. If I show them his cute little butt, there’s no way they couldn’t date him!”

“You’ll have grandkids in no time!” Lizzie gave the peas a little stomp.

I groaned and tried to throw Lizzie’s foot away, but it was already gone. I pressed the peas in gently as I stood up.

“So the peas didn’t help? I guess I didn’t use my magic foot enough,” mom said. “It’s okay, Coach Baker said everything still works, it’ll just take some time for you to get back to normal.”

“Maybe Coach Breaker can tell us a couple of single girls on the team, maybe she hears rumors about who likes Joshy Woshy!”

“Doesn’t your friend Re—”

Lizzie smacked mom’s leg hard and scowled. “I told you not to speak that name ever again.”

“But she seems to—”

“That stupid idiot already has a boyfriend. And I’ll make sure they stay a million miles away from Josh.” She glared at me. “If I see you even looking in that thing’s direction, you’re going to pay.”

I gulped. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Lizzie that angry before.

“Well,” mom said, “one look at those baby pictures and she’ll drop that boyfriend like a lead balloon.”

Lizzie stormed over to the steps. “I mean it, mom. I’ll kick you right in the crotch if you mention that despicable thing again.”

Mom shrugged as Lizzie glared at me. “Wouldn’t hurt. It’s not like I even have—”

“Eggs?” Lizzie stabbed her finger towards me. “And if you even think about her, I’ll make sure you wouldn’t even have any peas left for mom to press!”

Chapter 30

I jerked awake from my nightmare. Lizzie was crushing peas, mom was stepping on eggs, Rebecca was kicking soccer balls, and Coach Baker was exploding cups. Each of them were moving down a line, heading straight for me.

As all four feet were about to smash my head, I heard a ding on my window.

“Josh.” Another ding. “Josh, open up.”

I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and opened the window.

Rebecca put down her pebble when she saw me. “Come downstairs and open the door.”

As soon as I opened it, Rebecca yanked me out and kissed me. I shoved her away.

“What the hell are you doing?”

“You don’t like it?”

“I…” I breathed as I turned around and closed the door. “Lizzie’s going to kill you.”

“What’s new?” Rebecca crossed her arms and leaned against the wall. “That bitch is dead to me.”

“She said the same exact thing.”

She rested her foot on the wall and rubbed her knee. “I would so destroy her, and she knows it.”

“The whole ride home, I had to hear her frothing at the mouth.”

“Enough about her, what’s with you?”

“What about me?”

“How’s the…” She glanced down at my crotch.

“Hurts a little.”

“I had no idea that queen bitch would put me at the back.” Rebecca tightened her fist. “I even rigged the whole thing so I would go first!”

“So you could go out with your boyfr—”

“—you.”

“What?” I stepped towards her.

“You’re my boyfriend.” Rebecca grabbed me by the shirt and shoved me against the wall.

“What about the baseball—”

“We broke up a long time ago.” Rebecca kissed me. “I only told Lizzie that because I wanted her to be jealous. She always did like that guy.”

I pushed her away, but she shoved me harder, then started to snake her hand into my pants.

“I don’t feel comfortable with—”

She squeezed hard and giggled. “I think your pinky disagrees.”

I looked around at the dark street. Who the heck would be out in the middle of the night? But we still could get cau—

I winced as she rolled her fingers.

“Still sore?”

I nodded.

“I could take care of that for you.” She tugged at my pants, but I held them up.

“Rebecca, please, they’re right inside.”

“I know… I love to live dangerously.” She squeezed my balls and lifted me up slightly.

I groaned and let go of my pants, causing her to grin.

“Good boy,” she said, pulling my pants all the way down. “Is your pinky happy to see me?” She placed my hands on her boobs. “Squeeze them if I hurt you too much.”

“Rebecca, I—”

She yanked down my boxers. “Whoa, are they supposed to be that color?”

They were black and blue, and even my upper leg had a huge green spot where the one girl kicked.

“Did you even stick ice on it?”

I nodded as I thought of the frozen peas and turned a little red.

“Is that how it looked after my mom kicked you?” She giggled. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen a naked pair after they got kicked. We couldn’t stop talking about you after our match. Wasn’t that super fun?”

“Getting kicked isn’t what I would call—”

My hands launched towards my groin as I felt them explode.

“What about knees?” She giggled, then pried my hands away and placed them back on her boobs. “I told you to squeeze if it hurt.”

I squeezed hard, causing her smile to grow larger.

She dug in her pockets and took out a sock. “I told my mom about me losing the competition, and she gave me this as a little gift for you. I thought playing a little shutty uppy tonight would work wonders.”

I stopped squeezing her, and slowly took a few breaths. “How would that—”

Rebecca shoved the sock in my mouth, then pinched my nose and kneed me.

My hands flew to my crotch as I tried to slither down the wall. I couldn’t breathe, turning my head side to side, but Rebecca just giggled.

“She was wearing those for a few days.” Rebecca breathed in heavily through her nose, and breathed out of her mouth as I turned redder and redder. “Put your hands back on my boobs and I’ll let go!”

I slowly let go of my crotch and did as she ordered.

“Good boy.” She unpinched my nose and pulled out the sock. I gasped for air. “So how do they taste?”

“Extremely salty.”

“She must’ve walked around the grocery store with these.” She glanced at the bottom of the pink sock and grimaced. “Tongue!”

“I’m not sticking out my—”

“Tongue!” She slapped me and pressed it on my lips.

I stuck out my tongue as she ground it down, then shoved it back into my mouth.

“I like having my own little dog.” She smirked and rubbed her knee against my groin. “Nod if you want me to keep doing this.”

Before I could do anything, she stepped back and planted her foot right into my groin, pressing with the bottom of her sneakers. I grabbed her leg and squeezed as I tried to escape.

“I don’t feel you squeezing my boobs!” She looked at her nails and smirked. “I guess you want me to continue.”

I squeezed her leg and tried taking out the sock, but she bent her knee and made my balls feel like they would implode. She finally moved her foot down and stepped back towards me. My hands flew towards her boobs as I squeezed as hard as possible.

“Your little ballsies must hurt.”

I nodded and nodded as I felt myself tearing up.

“Open!” She ran her fingers across my lips, then pressed the sock in further, causing me to gag. “Now shutty uppy before I get angry.”

She forced my chin closed, then kissed my forehead.

“Now get down on the ground, face up.”

I did as she ordered. She kicked off both sneakers and stepped on my chest, squeezing her boobs as she looked down at me.

“Does my mom’s sock still taste good?”

I nodded no.

“That’s too bad.” She ground her foot on my nose, and when I turned my head to the side, she crushed my cheek. “If you turn your stupid face again, I’m going to stomp. Now face up!”

She barely lifted her foot as I felt my nose drag under it, then she pressed down hard.

“Sniff!”

I sniffed as hard and as loudly as I could.

“Good boy.” She ground her foot down, then pressed her other foot on my neck.

I grabbed her legs as I choked, but she just continued shifting her weight on either foot.

“Hands to the sides!” She balanced on my nose. “Or Lizzie and your mom are going to find a dead Joshy Woshy on their porch.”

I placed my hands on my sides, which caused her to balance with one foot on my neck. She looked down at me and smirked as she wiggled her toes in my eyes. I stared at the bottom of her socks, at the foot that was going to kill me. This was going to be the last thing I would see before I—

“You’re being a really good boy tonight. I think I’m going to reward you.”

She stepped on my nose then slowly walked backwards. The instant her foot left my neck, I gasped for air through my nose, causing her to giggle. She bounced on my stomach, then turned around.

“It wasn’t that bad, your pinky is still working.”

She nudged it lightly with her foot as she dug in her pocket and pulled out another sock.

“Now, whose sock do you want? Mine or my mom’s?”

I tried pulling the sock from my mouth, but she stomped down on it. I knew better to try to hold it this time, so I just curled my hands into fists and jammed them into my sides.

She pressed her toes into the tip, scrunching and unscrunching her toes, giggling every time it bounced up.

“It looks like you’re really enjoying the sock in your mouth.”

I grunted as she spun in place and faced me.

“How about odd, mine, even, hers. Deal?”

I was too scared of what she would do, so I just nodded my head yes.

She raised her foot and kicked it into my groin.

I groaned and started crying as pain radiated through me.

She raised her foot and kicked again. I jerked and caused her to slip off.

“Oops, didn’t count.”

She stepped back on me and gave me a few stomps.

“Don’t move this time! Unless you want her filthy sock!” She shrugged. “Although I don’t know, it looks like you love it already.”

My breathing was incredibly rapid as I tried to calm down, but seeing her foot raise kicked it back into high gear.

She kicked—and my hips raised as my legs closed—but it never came.

She giggled, spun around, and crouched down as she looked down at my crotch.

“Look at it twitching!” She poked at it a few times. “You seemed to really enjoy that.”

I tried to calm my breathing, but her weight was making it hard to breathe.

I couldn’t see what was happening, but could feel my penis being inserted into fabric. She started to run her fingers up and down, then gripped it.

“It looks so cute in its pink little hat.” She flicked it. “Yep, it’s on there secure.”

I grabbed her butt, causing her to jump slightly, then she settled back down.

“Squeeze if you like it!”

I squeezed.

“If you make a noise,” she reached back and pulled the sock out, “this is going straight back in. Understand?”

I squeezed her butt again, then let out a moan.

She slammed down on my chest, crushing my hands, then placed both feet around my—

I bit my lip and shuddered as I squeezed as hard as I could.

“Wow, not even one stroke!” Rebecca giggled as she moved her feet up and down. “Was that filthy sock that good?”

I shuddered a few more times, trying to stay as quiet as possible, until I could finally speak.

“Wow.”

“Wow’s right!” Rebecca spun around and planted both feet in my face. “I never made anyone explode that quickly. I think I found my new secret weapon!”

I sniffed and took in her incredible scent while she leaned back on her hands.

“How did the grocery store floor taste?”

I groaned into her socks and continued sniffing.

“How do they smell?” She giggled. “I walked around the store too!”

“You’re… You’re—”

“I know.”

She pulled her feet off my face and stood up, peeling each sock off her foot.

“Open!”

I opened my mouth and she shoved both in, then patted my cheeks.

“I’ll see you tomorrow night, I convinced the winner to give me the first two tickets.” She tweaked my nose. “And be sure to brush your teeth.”

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