Nursing home scrambled eggs

[Adam Turner]

When I left college I missed out on university. I needed to resit an A-Level so I resigned up for that course the following year. I was still determined to go to uni but it would now be a year later than planned. Because I was only going to re-do one subject I had lots of spare time on my hands. My parents pushed me to get a part time job. My cousin suggested I volunteer at an old people's home. She'd worked there recently and left so knew they were looking for someone and she could recommend me. It was general duties. I wasn't a trained health care professional so I couldn't administer drugs or give them medication or any of that. I could help them with personal care, cleaning, cooking, feeding, helping them about etc. I worked 3 days a week. Night work paid more but I didn't fancy it. My cousin warned me nights were a chore and even for extra money I didn't fancy it. My first day I was given an induction pack that I flipped through and a tour of the home by a lovely nurse called Jodie from Ireland who looked to be late 40s/early 50s. The plan was I'd shadow her for a while until I got used to the job.

I'd been there little over a week when Jodie called me from down the hall and asked for assistance in getting one of the residents out of bed. I got there and the lady, 'Mrs M' was shouting. I don't know why she didn't want to get out of bed but she was insistent and my presence didn't improve her mood. Jodie tried to calm her down and I stood by the bed feeling a bit awkward waiting to be of use. That's when Mrs M's right arm shot out from under the bed covers. I dropped the clipboard and pen I'd picked up from the dressing table nearby the bed just to have something to do whilst the hostility went on around me. She'd grabbed my balls and was squeezing. Yelling 'Try and make me get out of bed now'.

Looking back I think why didnt I just pull her hands away. But the pain was excruciating I felt paralysed. I looked up expecting Jodie to intervene but she just looked at her disapprovingly

"You're making yourself look silly now, aren't cha?" like an Irish mum chastising a kid for getting ice cream all over their face, meanwhile I hadn't even made it out of college yet and this woman more than 4 times my age was crushing any chance I had of ever having any myself.

She let go, I think more through exhaustion than compassion. I fell to floor. I looked up and another healthcare assistant was in the room. Mrs M was now perfectly willing to get out of bed without fuss or protest. I got to my feet and went outside.

"Don't worry, she does that to all the males. You won't see Kieran or Sami (the two other males who worked there) stepping foot in that room. For some reason, bollocks calm her down". Her Irish accent seemed to make that sentence comical as well as absurd and infuriating. I was called in simply so Mrs M could squeeze the life out of my balls as a ritual to get her to agree to get out of bed.

Luckily I avoided Mrs M most of the time. I was there for about 7 months but mainly kept in the kitchen. Preparing lunches (it was just microwave stuff, sandwiches, soups etc, I was hardly a chef) but when staff shortages kicked in or someone called in sick I'd help out on the main part of the home. More often than not I knew that if Jodie or someone else called me into Mrs M's room they didn't want me, they wanted my testicles because squeezing them (and presumably watching the affect it had on the victim) was something she enjoyed and it made her more agreeable.

I asked my cousin if she remembered Mrs M from her time working there. She looked at me, giggled and said "I'm sorry about your scrambled eggs dude" 

[Adam Turner]

I did need to go in room/deal with her a few times after that. Not every time did she need to squeeze my nuts but it happened on three or four other occasions plus some near misses. Once I tried stuffing toilet paper down front made a scrunching noise that entertained her that desire to squeeze my nuts abated, but sadly the trick never worked again. I was mainly in the kitchen away from it all after my initial induction but with staff leave/sickness there’d be need to cover. I'm sure all the male staff knew when they were called in what the reason was. 

[none66666]

Oh my, your recollection is making me hot and bothered on this lazy Sunday morning.

I know some people with a nursing home.  A few years ago, the owner called me (they were out of town) and asked if I could shoot over and help one of the female CNAs put a patient back in bed who was refusing to get back in.  I arrive, and this late 60s, early 70s woman is sitting on the floor.  The CNA tells the patient to either get back into her bed, or let her assist her back in.  The woman responds that she wasn't going to do that.  As I step forward, the woman looks me in the eyes, and says "If you touch me, I am going to make you pay dearly."  I was conflicted, as I could tell what she was thinking, but at the same time, I didn't want the embarrassment, and didn't want word to get back to the owner if she checked my avocados.  She followed up with "If you try to put me back in the bed, I'm going to hurt you," and a "you aren't going to get away with this" as a response to the CNA's prompting.  I decided that I wasn't going to be scared of it happening if it did, but that I was also going to blitzkrieg her in one fluid motion so she would be overwhelmed and wouldn't have time to do much of anything.  At any rate, nothing happened, but your anecdote reminded me of a great threat directed towards me.

Additionally, did the woman ever squeeze or threaten your boy berries again?

[Alan S]

That's pretty funny that an older lady would use men's balls to calm down like that.  Did you just take it whenever they'd bring you into the room and you knew what the woman would do?