Theo Gets Womansplained

[Joe S]

It was after midnight and the kaleidescope lights over the dance floor began to blur as Theo’s glass vibrated in his hand with every thumping bass note. He didn’t feel drunk but the out-of-focus rainbow showering the sweaty dancers told him otherwise. With a quick flick of his wrist, Theo threw back the last of his whiskey and settled up his tab.

Outside the September air remained thick and heavy and, despite seeing the football team practicing in full pads earlier in the day, autumn felt a long way away. Though he could still feel the bass vibrating, the overwhelming sonic assault inside the small club was now swallowed up in the humid air. Theo stood outside the door and wiped a bead of sweat from his forehead as he took in the stillness of the night.

His head turned at the sound of giggles, soft as December snowballs, cutting through the oppressive heat. Even in the pale splash of light thrown from the streetlamp, Theo could tell the girls were attractive, or at the very least confident: two short, one tall and all dolled up in short skirts and heels. He watched them from the corner of his eye as they neared the club. The blonde in the middle had her shirt tied up and Theo caught a glimpse of a belly button ring as it glinted in the moonlight. She was pushing six feet with long legs and a narrow waist and little in the way of hips. Though he couldn’t tell with any certainty, he was pretty sure she offered little in the way of breasts as well. But she had high cheekbones and a wide mouth that now curved up into a wide smile that revealed large white teeth as she laughed and Theo knew she wouldn’t be going home alone tonight. Not like him, he thought with a twinge of jealousy.

The girl to her left was an animated character. She was waving her arms wildly and, like a stereotypical Italian, talking as much with her hands as her mouth. Theo was surprised she was able to carry on like that and walk without falling considering the platform heels she had on. They must’ve been six inches high. It amused Theo when he realized that although the girl’s head was currently at chest level with the tall blonde, without the heels, she’d be lucky not to poke her eye out on the blonde’s belly button ring.

But it was the girl on the right that caused him to turn his head fully in their direction. Her long, dark hair was swept to one side, the loose curls at the end dancing along the tops of her breasts which rose enticingly over the scooped neck of her tight shirt. She wore thick-rimmed glasses that gave her face a studious appearance completely incongruent with the body she was rocking. Despite also being at armpit level with the tall blonde, her legs looked somehow as long and strong, and Theo’s eyes drank in every curve, right up to where they ended in full, womanly hips.

Fortunately, the threes girls were caught up in the hilarity of Miss Italian’s story and didn’t notice Theo’s blatant ogling. In fact, he was so mesmerized by the girl on the right – the sway of those curvy hips was as hypnotic as the throbbing bass in the club –  he didn’t even notice the door to the club open behind him as a bouncer flung some drunk outside.

Suddenly, Theo found himself launched forward as the drunk slammed into him from behind. He staggered forward and lost his balance. Afraid he was about to eat concrete, he threw his hands out grasping at the air. They found purchase. His hands sank into something soft and he heard a high-pitched yelp as his fingers dug in. It was just enough support for him to regather his balance. He let go and stepped back and found himself staring into the tear-stung eyes residing behind those studious, dark-rimmed glasses. Due to this sudden proximity to the breathtaking figure he’d been ogling, Theo felt his heart rate increase well beyond its previously elevated pace. As he tried to calm himself, his brain struggled to process the grimace spoiling the natural beauty of her face and then his heart sank when he realized why. The soft purchase he’d found turned out to be the large endowment that was her bosom, which she now squeezed and massaged in effort to relieve the sharp bite stemming from the hard grasp necessary to regain his balance.

Theo’s jaw unhinged in a helpless gape as her eyes bored into his. He watched as they narrowed, her thin eyebrows pinching in disgust and anger, and his mind reeled. He wanted to apologize but his mouth remained slack with the horror and embarrassment of the situation. He tried to get his brain and body in sync, to get his gaping maw to articulate the words ‘I’m so sorry,’ but then suddenly the girl closed his mouth for him. He felt his teeth click together as a jolt of pain radiated from his chin where her small fist connected as she delivered a sharp uppercut.

Theo’s head snapped back and he grabbed his smarting jaw, groaning. Through the blur of his watering eyes, he could see the girl’s fury had not subsided. He blinked, and as his vision cleared he felt the sensation of time slowing. The girl in front of him stood rigid, her fists balled tightly as her arms hung down, glaring. The tall blonde had moved along side her, and her hands hovered over her friend’s shoulders and Theo couldn’t tell if she was trying to comfort her or egg her on. The animated Italian girl remained so, her hands clapping together joyfully as she bounced lightly, unable to repress her excitement. He heard the intoxicated, incoherent muttering rising from where the drunk guy had fallen between two parked cars.

“Kick him in the nuts, Tiff!”

The sharpness of Miss Italian’s voice cutting through the heavy air shocked Theo and he found his head incline toward her involuntarily. Her deep blue eyes were blazing, but not with anger like his unwitting victim’s. Instead, he realized, it was an eager, hungry gleam, and it unsettled him down to his guts. Without warning her eyes went as wide as the smile spreading on her face, alarming Theo even further. He turned back to the girl with the dark rimmed glasses just in time – in just enough time, that is, to see her foot, drawn back with its heel pointed straight up to the moon, swing forward in a blur of motion. Frozen in panic, all too aware of his impending doom, there was nothing Theo could do except receive what she was about to deliver: a hard kick straight to his balls.

The impact of her foot broke his frozen trance instantaneously and he buckled at the knees, gasping. The sheer force of the girl’s kick knocked him off balance and he staggered a few steps before catching himself against the hood of a car. Suddenly, every inch of him was trembling as jolts of pain shot through him, his testicles screaming in outrage. He leaned, deadweight against the car, and cradled his tortured groin. Through the tiny starbursts that flitted across his vision, Theo looked at the smirking face peering out from behind those thick-rimmed glasses and wondered, briefly, how such a petite angel could possibly make his balls hurt so bad. When she took a menacing step toward him, he gathered up all the strength he had left – which wasn’t much – and hobbled away in shame as fast as his hunched over body would allow.

Worse than the sound of girlish gigles drifting into his ears as the three girls entered the club was the sneering chortles of the drunk guy. “Thass gotta hurt, bro,” came the ragged, slurry voice from behind Theo. “Damn, she got you good,” he said with mock sympathy before bursting into another fit of wheezing laughter.

The few hundred yards to the next street felt like the length of a marathon, but finally Theo rounded the corner and slumped against a brick wall, out of sight. He exhaled slowly and tried to calm himself. While the pain in his testicles was indeed awful, it was the cramping in his guts and the jelly-like nature of his whole body that made the situation almost unbearable. He wanted to die – or at least pass out. He closed his eyes, but the gesture was useless. He remained conscious and fully aware of the acute and instense pain she’d left him in.

 

To Theo’s dismay, a faint glow of yellow light hit him when he opened the door to the apartment he shared with his roommate, Jeff. After the slow and arduous walk back, he knew it had to be pushing two in the morning. He was desparately hoping Jeff would be in bed by now. He closed the door and stood in the near darkness of the living, wondering how he could avoid any conversation.

“Hello?” The voice coming from the kitchen was soft and feminine and Theo’s heart flipped and flopped like a dying fish. The only thing worse than coming home to his roommate in such a pitiful state was coming home to his roommate’s girlfriend. Fuck, Theo thought, fuck, fuck, fuck.

He eased around the corner and peered into the kitchen where he saw Shanna standing at the microwave wearing nothing but one of Jeff’s t-shirts and a pair of pink panties. It was almost long enough to be a nightshirt, but Theo could still see the last rounded inch or two of Shanna’s ass as she retrieved her tea from the microwave. If she was flustered, she sure didn’t show it.

“Wow,” she said, stopping dead in her tracks, “you look awful. You want some tea? I couldn’t sleep and thought maybe this new tea might do the trick. It’s supposed to have a calming effect.”  When he just stood there staring at her with beaten, weary eyes, she asked, “Something stronger, perhaps?”

Shanna slid the tumbler of vodka over ice across the table and kicked out a chair. “Have a seat, Theo. Take a load off and talk to little ol’ Shanna.” She dipped the tip of her pinky into her own mug to test the temperature and gave Theo a warm smile.

Theo was hesitant to sit due to the harsh, blinding pain he’d been in since leaving the club, but then he discovered it had transitioned, more or less, to a heavy, throbbing ache. Still, he sat down carefully. With one gulp, he downed half the glass and the fire burning his throat seemed to clear his head. “Thanks, Shanna,” he said with a weak smile.

She flashed him a strong smile in return as she leaned her chair back against the wall. Theo couldn’t help but notice the hard nipples poking through the white fabric as she did. But he kept his eyes half-lidded in case she noticed him. Don’t want a repeat of earlier, he chided himself.

Suddenly, Shanna tipped the chair forward and leaned in. “Did you get in a fight tonight?”

Theo’s eyes went wide as he felt like a deer in headlights. “What?” He said, trying to play it off as his mind once again raced to find a plausible explanation.

“Your chin seems puffy and looks a little purple. Plus, you seem to be moving awfully slowly.”

“Oh that,” he answered quickly, “it’s nothing.”

“Doesn’t look like nothing. You want some ice?” Shanna asked, her voice sweet with concern.

“Nah,” he said, trying to sound cavalier, “it was just a misunderstanding. I’ll be fine.” He took another sip of the vodka, though smaller this time.

“Must’ve been some misunderstanding,” she pressed, her sky blue eyes leveled on his.

Whether it was the caring tone in which she spoke or the vodka having its way, Theo felt the sudden urge to open up and he threw up his hands. “You really want to know?”

Shanna raised her eyebrows and nodded lightly before once again tilting her chair back and giving Theo a nice view of her high, firm breasts.

“Okay, then,” he said, trying to find a good starting point. “Long story short, I met a buddy of mine at Maxx’s for a couple drinks after work. I got off around ten tonight, so I had to play a little catch up by the time I arrived. I sent him home in a cab shortly after eleven as he was in pretty bad shape. I stuck around until midnight. On my way out, I was struck by how quiet the night was, especially compared to the volume inside Maxx’s.” Shanna rolled her eyes in empathy. “There were some girls headed toward the club, and, not gonna lie, they were lookers. So I did. But then out of nowhere this drunk guy rams into me and launched me right into the girls. I guess a bouncer threw him out,” he added when she arched an eyebrow. “Anyway, I lost my balance and as I stumbled, I accidentally grabbed one of the girl’s breasts.”

“Yikes,” Shanna said with a wince.

“Yeah, that’s about how she looked right before she fired off an uppercut to my chin,” Theo said, rubbing said chin absently. “I tried to apologize but I was so stunned nothing came out. That’s when she kicked me in the nuts.”

Shanna spit tea down the front of her shirt as the front legs of her chair slammed back to the floor. His candor thoroughly surprised her. “She what?!”

Theo looked at her, trying hard to meet her eye while fighting the urge to see the shape of her boobs as the damp fabric pressed tightly against them. Even with sore nuts it was a view quite hard to resist. He nodded as he tried to quell another rising wave of embarrassment.

“Oh man,” Shanna said, her eyes tender but the tone of her voice half shocked, half amused. “That had to hurt.”

“Understatement of the year, Shanna,” Theo said, deadpan. “I thought for sure she ruptured ‘em.” He half smiled in relief with knowledge that, while they hurt pretty bad still, they were at least whole.

“Did you fall down?”

Theo looked at her with genuine shock – and curiosity. “Did I fall? No. I mean, my legs buckled but I was able to stay upright.” He decided to skip the part about needing a car for support.

“Hm,” Shanna mumbled. “What did the girl do?”

“Went in the club? I don’t know, I got the hell out of there.”

“So let me get this straight. She punched you in the face, kicked you in the balls and then immediately walked into the club?”

The skepticism in Shanna’s eyes was more than Theo could take, though he wasn’t sure what she was getting at. “Well, I mean she did stand there watching me for a little bit. And then she did take a step toward me which is when I made my exit.”

“Hm. And did she kick you pretty hard?”

“I’d say so,” Theo admitted.

“And you didn’t fall down?”

“No. I told you that,” he said with overt exasperation.

Ignoring this, Shanna sat back and took a sip of tea. “This might sound insensitive and I don’t mean it to be. I mean, I know it was an accident and all, and you didn’t mean to grab her boobs, but you have to understand, I’m a little bit on her side here, having boobs myself you know. I feel bad for you but, honestly, I think you robbed the poor girl.”

Theo went from exasperation to outrage in a microsecond. “She nearly broke my balls and you’re saying I robbed her?”

“Easy there, Theo,” Shanna said with a calming smile. “Let me explain.”

“Do tell,” he answered, his tone as dry as the Sahara.

“Look, if you make a girl mad enough to kick you down there, she’s gonna want to see the fruits of her effort. You admitted she kicked you pretty hard and yet you didn’t fall down,” Shanna paused and then added, “Even though you thought they might be ruptured?”

“Well, I didn’t want to look like a pu, er, wuss,” he growled.

Shanna chuckled. “Regardless of whether or not you looked like a pussy – yeah, I caught that – you have to understand. She wanted to see you struggle. You’ll have to trust me on this,” Shanna added when he looked at her dubiously. “A girl wants to know how much a guy is hurting after she sends his jewels into orbit. And the only way she can know is to see his reaction. She wants to see his face go red, to hear him moan in agony, to watch him fall to the ground, cupping himself, writhing in anguish at her feet. Seeing his tortured reaction lets her know she’s reduced his world to one singular aspect: complete aand terrific pain,” a wistful smile spread on Shanna’s face as she spoke. “Right in the balls, because she crushed them.” Theo’s mouth twisted in horror as Shanna absently pounded her fist in to the open palm of her hand. She laughed. “It’s probably good that you got out of there. I’ve no doubt in my mind that our little ballbuster took a step toward you with every intention of kicking you again…and again…and again, until you fell down. Until she knew without a doubt your balls were hurting sufficiently. Say, you’re looking a little green.”

Shocked by Shanna’s words and casual tone, Theo had indeed gone green at the gills. He just sat there, mind reeling, unable to speak. When Shanna got up to put her empty mug in the sink, Theo managed to find his feet. He needed to get to the safety and sanctuary of his bedroom pronto, before Shanna’s attentions fell back on him.

As Shanna rinsed the mug, she watched Theo from the corner of her eye as he shuffled down the hall. Perhaps that was a bit much for the poor guy, she thought, but then the devil on her shoulder whispered into her ear as she stifled a laugh. Quiet as a mouse, she stole up behind the lumbering Theo and then launched a panty-flashing kick right between his legs, smashing his aching balls. This time, she noted, he fell. Shanna smiled down at his slumped, motionless figure and folded her arms under her breasts. Falling unconscious was the best way to show a woman that she’s really smashed your balls, Shanna thought. Thank you, Theo. Whether it’s the tea or simply the happy thought of how bad your balls are gonna hurt when you come to, I think I’m gonna sleep like a baby now.

[Amber Gately]

I love your work. This was probably my favourite.

[Joe S]

Thank you such much for the kind words Amber!

[Owen Divjerian]

Hot story!

[F. Mercury]

Really well done. I'd love to see you write one where the guy ends up in the hospital (or school nurse). There can be so much great dialogue in those scenarios and you write dialogue so well - thanks!