The Comedian

Staceybbchron.blogspot.com

This is just a little story I was kicking around. If I get enough feedback, I'll continue the story... not sure where it's going lol but I can keep going. Enjoy! Comments and feedback is most welcome!

When I was brand new to stand up comedy, I didn't really get many gigs because I never killed. I had never really bombed (at least, not in my probably over-optimistic opinion), but I certainly wasn't known for bringing the house down.

One particular open mic, because that was really all I could get, I was at a comedy club I'd performed at a few times, and started with a few jokes. As I progressed through my material, I'm pretty sure everyone was enjoying themselves... well, almost everyone. Right up front was an insanely drunk woman (I could tell because she could barely sit up straight and her eyes looked extremely unfocused and all over the place) and her not-nearly-as-drunk boyfriend, who was fondling her unapologetically. He wasn't talking or heckling me, but his taking physical advantage of a girl who, clearly, couldn't stop him, was really distracting. Normally, I'd mind my own business and keep going with my set, but this just felt... wrong.

"Hey, Abercrombie!" I shouted at the man, who had sort of a preppy frat boy look to him and his outfit (incidentally, he was dressed much better than I was, in my black button down and jeans, both a little too big for me). "You wanna wait till she wakes up before you try to fuck her?" I groaned inwardly; there wasn't supposed to be cursing at this open mic and I just dropped a huge F bomb. To my surprise, though, the audience erupted with their loudest laughter of the night. The guy's face turned red, probably because I'd embarrassed him, and he stood up as he let his date's breasts go... but readied himself to yell back.

"Sit back down, Abercrombie, you're ruining my dream!" I said dramatically, which wasn't really that funny (I don't think) but the crowd guffawed even louder. The guy yelled something unintelligible at me and then his girlfriend, who I'd just (in a way) protected from being molested, stood up and she too began the verbal diarrhea. I was tempted to ask security to remove these two but... screw that, let's have some fun with them. I don't even remember what I said, but with each new line I spit out, there was a roar of approval and laughs. I guess I laid into them a little too hard (I remember saying along the lines of if she wasn't black out drunk, she'd probably kill herself; I've only known you for 3 minutes and I wanna kill myself) because, seemingly without warning, Abercrombie stalked toward the stage! He had that look in his eye that anyone who's been in a fight would recognize: I'm going to knock this guy out cold, or die tryin'.

"Don't even think of coming up here, dude," I said hastily, feeling a spike in andrenaline and assuming a ridiculous karate stance, "That'd be a really bad idea." Again, the crowd laughed but I heard that it wasn't as loud this time. I suppose everyone knew what was about to happen and some people were scared. Abercrombie jumped up on the stage and threw a wild haymaker at me. I'm not gifted with the fastest reflexes but it looked like this guy had a bit too much to drink, too; I easily got out of the way. I haven't been in a fight since I was in 8th grade, but I saw his whole face was wide open for a counter. I didn't blast him, though. The bouncers will be here in a second, take this dude away, and I won't have to resort to violence, I thought to myself. Only... the bouncers were nowhere to be seen, and this asshole was going to swing on me again. He cocked his hand back, missed again, but this time, when his follow through put him off-balance, I gave him a shove, sending him tumbling off the stage and onto the floor a few feet below. When I bent over to see if, well, I'd accidentally killed him, I saw him stirring a little... then saw stars as something slammed me in balls from behind. HARD. I crumbled in a heap on the stage and, when I turned to see what hit me, I saw the woman who was crazy drunk and being molested. Apparently, the inebriation didn't affect her balance; she was in towering shiny red pumps that she most likely just blasted me with. The bouncers finally found their way to the stage, separated everyone (kind of, we were all pretty separated at this point anyway), and restored order.

After the show, the owner of the club summoned me to his tiny office backstage. His usually fat and ruddy face was redder than normal, and his normal frown had become a scowl.

"You're done getting open mic time here," he barked at me.

"Why?" I asked, my heart pounding. Damn, I just started and it's all over already? "That wasn't my fault."

"You assaulted a paying customer," he answered, ticking off on his fingers, "could have incited a riot by pushing that man's buttons, and you weren't even that funny!" Right then, I wanted to tell him to go fuck himself; I heard people laughing, and I couldn't just let that guy's near-rape go unaddressed. So, instead of telling this motherfucker exactly how much I didn't respect him, I just turned and walked out. Word travels fast in the world of comedy, so I was sure that I was done and I'd be on my way back to a cubicle somewhere.

To my shock, however, a few weeks later, I had a few local clubs and places call me and ask my availability. They heard what happened, it was rumored that I was indeed funny, especially the way I went after that guy. I went from being an open-mic'er, who only got paid in experience and exposure, to getting paying gigs! It was simply stunning.

I was working out some material at one gig, getting laughs but trying different spins on some of my jokes, when I looked down and who was a few tables from the stage? Drunk lady who punted my balls after I shoved her stupid ass boyfriend off the stage. I groan inwardly. Great, I thought, she's going to make a ruckus and bait me into verbally attacking her, then play the victim. I know my shit that night wasn't as sharp as it normally is (not that I'm a headliner or anything), because I kept waiting for her to say some shit so I could have her removed. Luckily for me, she didn't even make a sound, apart from laughing. I wrap up and head to the back, get paid, and start to leave when I see her a few feet from the exit.

"You were really funny tonight," she said enthusiastically as I got closer to her in my attempt to go home.

"Uh... thanks," I answered, sounding more nervous than I would have liked. I put my hand on the door and was about to push it open when something occurred to me...

"Your boyfriend isn't right outside, is he?" I ask quietly. "I'm really not in the mood to get jumped tonight. Maybe tomorrow."

"No, I dumped that motherfucker," she said angrily.

"Well, did you come to get me thrown out of another club, or just to kick me in the balls again?"

"Neither," she answered, blushing a little, "I wanted to say sorry. And... to make it up to you."

Well. I certainly wasn't expecting that. I recovered quickly, though (I think).

"Your apology is plenty," I said, "er, thanks." I pushed open the door and started to leave when I heard her following me.

"Can we go for a drink or something?" she asked, right on my tail. I stopped and turned to face her; she really did look remorseful. And she seemed nice in that moment, and I hadn't chatted with the fairer sex in a long time...

"Sure, uh, I guess," I stammered.

We went to this hole-in-the-wall a few blocks away. I just got a beer; I didn't want to break this woman's bank, even though last time, she tried to break my testicles. After a few minutes of small talk, I decided to ask the hard-hitting questions.

"You dumped the guy you punted me in the balls for," I said without hesitation, "Why were you with him in the first place? He was kind of a dick."

"He was a major dick," she answered. She took another sip of her drink and looked like she was thinking about telling me more. "I guess there was some sexual chemistry. I shouldn't be more specific, though; I don't want to end up in your act. Well, I thought to myself, this should be good. I kept reassuring her that it would be our secret and, after an hour or so (and a few drinks), she opened up. "He was one of the first guys to really be interested in me," she began (I scoffed; she was really pretty), but took a huge left turn, "But I was with him as long as I was because he humored my weird fetish."

I started to answer, but stopped short. "Well, how long were you... I'm sorry, what?"

"My fetish," she said quietly, blushing crimson.

"You have my full attention," I said, and she chuckled.

"I have this thing," she explained, never making eye contact, "for when a guy finishes in shoes that I'm wearing or about to wear." I breathed a sigh of relief and almost laughed a little because, in my mind, her fetish was innocuous. I bit my tongue, though, I didn't want her to think I was making fun of her fetish. Although I really just met her, and the first time we met was less than pleasant, I opened up to her.

"I have a thing for women in high heels," and when she leaned in closer, it scared me a little. She really wanted to know. "Look, what I'm about to tell you is going to sound crazy. Let's just say you won't end up in my act if what I tell you don't show up on the blogosphere."

She giggled, seeming genuinely at ease, and replied "You have my word." She was holding her hand up, as if swearing an oath.

"Ok," I agreed, "Let's just say when you kicked me in the balls that night, you didn't miss my fetish by much..." I tailed off, suddenly so nervous I thought I might faint. I took a second to settle before almost blurting "I like when women in heels step on my dick."

"That sounds fun!" she answered, squealing with delight. "Can I try it? And then you can try mine?" I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

"So, let me get this right," I said, closing my eyes to concentrate, "You'll wear heels and step on it, and all I have to do is come in your shoe?"

"Well... yeah," she answered, blushing again. "Do you like the ones I'm wearing now?" I looked down at her feet as she pulled up the leg of her jeans and saw that she was wearing shiny black mary jane pumps with what looked like a 4" or 5" chunky heel.

I nodded enthusiastically, saying "Oh yeah, those will do nicely."

"I'm really hot just thinking about it," she breathed, "Let's get out of here."

We got an Uber to her place, which wasn't that far away, and as soon as we got into her apartment, clothes were flying everywhere as we kissed like long lost lovers. Before I knew it, I was completely naked and she was topless. She pushed me onto her couch as I watched her take her heels off, then her jeans and panties went, and she slipped her shoes back on. She stood right in front of me, placing her hands on the back of the couch, and kissed me briefly before lifting a foot off the floor and stepping on the cushion between my legs, not even an inch from my rock hard cock.

"You look ready," she purred, lifting that foot up and using it to press me down onto her couch, pinning my dick to the cushion. I let out an unsteady breath as I felt how smooth the sole was and she pressed a little harder. "Does that feel good?" she asked.

"That's an understatement," I answered and she let out a loud laugh. She leaned down and kissed me deeply as she began to slide her shoe back and forth along the length of my shaft.

"Tell me when you're close, okay?" she asked. "I want you to come in my shoe and don't want to waste a drop."

"In that case," I gasped, "I'm close now." She took her foot of my cock immediately and I began to stroke myself to get to the finish line. As I jerked myself, she unbuckled her shoe and slipped her heel out while leaving her toes in, giving me a target.

"It'll be easier to get your come inside my shoe if you're on your knees," she said breathlessly. A quick glance up and I saw that she was touching herself, too. I quickly got onto my knees and scooted close so my head was right at the opening and, seconds later, it began. I grunted as I started shooting my warm load onto the bottom of her foot and inside her mary jane. I heard her moaning and, once I was done and back away slightly, she slid her foot back into her shoe and buckled it.

"There's so much," she moaned happily, "and it's so warm and gooey." She sat on the couch and closed her eyes, rubbing herself furiously, when I knelt in front of her. I grabbed the hand she was using and, when she opened her eyes and looked at me confused, I smirked at her... then buried my face between her legs. I went to work on her with my mouth and I heard her scream "Holy shit!" I nearly laughed; it made me think of Vicky in American Pie getting eaten by Kevin. I wasn't down there long before she was screaming and convulsing with orgasm.

"That... was... insane," she panted. "Come to... bed. I... want you... to do that... again... before I go... to work... in... the morning." With that, we both got up and went to her bedroom. It was late as hell, but I didn't have anywhere to be until tomorrow evening, when I hit the stage again. But something struck me...

"I just realized you know my name," I said, "But I have no idea what yours."

"It's Victoria," she answered, and her breathing seemed back to normal. "But everyone just calls me Vick or Vicki. With an I, if you're writing it." She giggled and kissed me on the cheek, and then we got into bed.

Vicki. How serendipitous. That was my last thought before I fell asleep.

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Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by DJ on March 11, 2019 at 1:41am

That was fun. Definitely a new approach to the genre. I liked your language, dialogue, and pacing. Nicely done.

If Vicki was blackout drunk the night of the fight/kick, maybe the way she found out about what happened was that a close friend of hers was also at the show, saw everything, and told Vicki what really happened (comedian defended her, she punted him in the junk, etc). So maybe in Part 2, this friend enters the story and it turns out she has a ballbusting fetish, so now the three of them each have kinks in roughly the same wheelhouse and there's a fun way to get them all to work together? I dunno, just a thought. Your story so do what you'd like :-)

Permalink Reply by KneeMyNuts on March 13, 2019 at 4:48pm