On the Jumbotron

Ryan felt the phone buzzing in the pocket of his jeans as he walked across campus. He fished around for a few seconds until he was able to extract it. He immediately saw the raven hair surrounding a beautiful porcelain face with lively green eyes. It was Rebecca.

“Hey – what’s up?” He said.

“Are you on your way over?” She asked.

“Yeah, I’m about ten minutes away.”

“Oh good. I’m super excited for you to see the bridesmaid dress I got for Jenny’s wedding!”

“Really?” He asked, surprised, “Girls generally aren’t too excited about frumpy bridesmaid dresses.”

“Yeah, I know. But trust me, this one isn’t the least bit frumpy. So maybe you want to hurry it up.”

Ryan increased his pace substantially, but restrained himself from a full-on run. If Rebecca was that excited about the dress, it must be something.

Panting, he reached out for her apartment buzzer, but then pulled back. Compose yourself, Ryan, he thought. After a few deep breaths he pressed the familiar R3 button and waited for her to let him in.

He practically bounded up the stairs to the third floor where he found her door wide open.

“Come on in,” he heard her call from the back.

Don’t mind if I do, he thought and walked briskly to her bedroom.

When Rebecca strutted out of the bathroom, Ryan’s jaw dropped. The dress was a pink satin, but he probably didn’t notice. Instead, he only saw the way it hugged her shapely hips and revealed a bulging bosom.

Rebecca immediately noticed his eyes go to her pushed up breasts, so she did a little twirl with a slight bounce at the end, making her boobs jiggle like a runway model’s.

“What do you think?” She asked, motioning him to come closer.

“You look amazing!” He said, reaching a hand toward her.

She reached out in return and pulled him close, simultaneously lifting her knee between his legs.

Before he could react, Rebecca had her thigh pressed firmly against his balls as she looked him square in the eyes.

“It’s your lucky day, buddy boy,” she admonished him, giving his boys a little grind for good measure. “I should have kneed your nuts into tomorrow for ogling me like that.”

Ryan gulped, “Sorry…”

“It’s okay this time,” she said, dropping her leg back to the ground. “I know it’s hard for you boys to resist a bit of cleavage. But really, you shouldn’t be so blatant. You get caught staring at a girl’s boobs and she’s going to give you what you deserve…”

Rebecca trailed off like she was expecting an answer.

“A kick in the groin.” Ryan finished her sentence. Besides the immediacy of her knee between his legs, he was becoming quite familiar with her position on keeping men in check.

“Aww, baby,” she cooed, stroking his cheek, “she’s not just going to kick you in the groin. She’s going to bust your balls so hard you’ll go cross-eyed.”

Rebecca let her hand drop to his shoulder and took a step back.

Ryan braced himself for some serious pain, but Rebecca just winked and turned away. He bent over and exhaled deeply, touching his testicles as if to say, “We dodged a bullet there boys.”

“Give me ten minutes to change out of this dress and we can go grab some lunch,” she called from the bathroom.

Ryan went to the living room and sat down on the couch, utterly relieved that she hadn’t delivered one of her devastating knees.

They grabbed a quick bite at Chipotle and after devouring his burrito, Ryan stood up to get himself a refill.

Rebecca cleared her throat, “Ahem.” She waggled her empty cup at him.

“Oh, do you want some more diet?” He asked apologetically.

“I can’t believe you weren’t even going to ask me. How rude!”

He reached out to grab her cup and she flicked her hand toward his crotch. Jumping back, he narrowly escaped spilling ice all over her.

“Consider that another warning,” she smirked. “I wasn’t really going to smack your boys. Now, here, go get me some more diet and try not to be so jumpy.”

“Easy for you to say,” he muttered and sloughed off to get their drinks.

On the walk back to Rebecca’s apartment, she noticed Ryan walking a little skittish every time her arm pumped as they strode. She laughed to herself knowing he thought she might “accidentally” swing into his sensitive region.

“I see you’re still not real trusting of me,” she offered.

“I guess not. I keep thinking you’re going to follow through on your threats sooner or later.”

“When we get back, maybe we need to have a little chat about just why you should be on edge,” she teased.

“Whatever,” he said with a roll of his eyes.

With that she swung her arm dangerously close to his package, “See! This is exactly what I’m talking about. Don’t be rolling your eyes at me. You should be worried about getting your nuts racked with behavior like that.”

Ryan nearly tripped over his own feet trying to dodge her hand, and Rebecca took the opportunity to race ahead toward her apartment building.

“Last one there gets a swift kick!” She called out.

Ryan chased in vain, as Rebecca was pretty quick when she wanted to be. As he approached the doorway, he sidled up nervously, expecting her victory kick.

Rebecca saw the nervous fear radiate from his eyes and she calmed him, “I’ll collect on my spoils later, so you can relax for now. We have a conversation waiting.”

Back inside the apartment, they sat on either end of the sofa facing each other. Rebecca sat with her legs pulled against her chest while Ryan kept his legs crossed. No sense in leaving himself wide open, especially if they were going to discuss why girls should break balls.

“So,” Rebecca opened, “why do you think a girl should go for the gonads?”

Ryan hesitated briefly. “I suppose if a guy cheats, he probably deserves it. Or if he tries to force himself on a woman. I don’t know…you’re probably going to tell me something stupid like forgetting to load the dishwasher.”

“Well, personally, I don’t think forgetting a simple chore necessarily deserves a busting, but I’m sure plenty of girls would disagree.” She chuckled at the thought. “But, yeah, cheating or attempted rape will get you cracked eggs every time.”

She twirled a finger through her long, black hair thoughtfully.

“Disrespect or defiance. That’s why a girl should kick a man’s balls. It’s the attitude behind the action. If she asks you to do the dishes and you flat out tell her no, it’s her right to crush your orbs. If you’re late for a date, you better wear a cup. A girl won’t stand for disrespect like that. She should definitely open the door and greet you with a solid kick between the legs.”

“But that could mean a girl could bust a guy for almost anything,” Ryan protested.

Rebecca smiled. “You catch on quick.”

He grimaced at the implications.

“Here are some surefire reasons a girl will assert girl power, or as I like to call it, her feminine duty. Guy breaks up with her, she’s breaking his balls. Hell, if she breaks up with him she’s going to punctuate it with her knee.“

“That’s not fair!” Ryan interjected.

“Nope. Probably not. But if a girl has heartache, a guy’s gonna have his balls ache. You really need to come to grips with the fact that a female is absolutely empowered to smash a male’s testicles when and why she sees fit. She understands best when it’s necessary to make a man hurt, and you’ll just have to trust me on that one. Once you do, you’ll see how good it is – how good she is – when she kicks you in your balls. When she inflicts that sheer agony and leaves you coughing, crying and writhing on the ground, you’ll remember the respect she deserves.”

Rebecca licked her lips over a deliciously evil grin. “I see you don’t agree?”

Ryan shook his head.

“You will. When I make good later on that kick I owe you, think about how beautiful it is to be at your woman’s feet, holding your throbbing plums as the utter pain wracks your body. Mmmm…” she appeared to drift into some rapturous daydream.

Ryan saw her smile widen and felt her foot rub up his thigh as she stretched her leg. He shifted anxiously and seemed to withdraw deeper into the corner of the couch. His movement brought Rebecca back to the present.

“Now…where were we?” She asked, gazing down at her foot resting lightly on his upper thigh.

“You kinda went off on a little tangent, but we were talking about reasons a guy might get his nuts busted.” He added quickly, “But we can talk about something else, if you want.”

“Getting a little testy about kicks to the testes, are we?” She laughed at her own word play.

“Uh, yeah.” And then realizing sarcasm might not be the best approach given the situation, he continued a bit more contritely, “It’s not the most comfortable subject for a guy.”

Rebecca pretended to ignore the sarcasm, but reminded herself to store it in her memory banks to use as motivation later.

“After all this time we’ve spent, you’re still not at ease when I talk about this? I have to say, I’m a little surprised. Eventually, I guess you will be. Sooo, are you looking forward to the game tonight?”

Soon they were deep into planning for the bridal party outing to the ball game that evening. Ryan decided not to wear his Adam Jones jersey, but just stick with his O’s cap. Rebecca opted for her Mr. Boh (spokesman for National Bohemian beer, a popular Baltimore fave) low cut V-neck tee and a pair of short denim shorts. To further accent her toned legs, she picked out a pair of high heeled strappy shoes that looked like really fancy sandals. Ryan was quite pleased with her selection.

Rebecca and Ryan met up with the rest of the party at Dempsey’s before heading into Camden Yards. Jenny, the bride-to-be, and her fiancé, Chris, passed out tickets.

“Looks like we’re in the outfield, and we got end seats one and two” Ryan said.

“Yep. Wonder who we’re sitting by?” Rebecca asked and called out, “Who’s got seat three?”

After a beat, they saw Laura heading toward them waving a ticket. “I’m seat three.”

Ryan was glad Laura was their seat pal. Though he didn’t really know her well since she was a friend of Jenny’s who was a friend of Rebecca’s, he was glad to have a girl with them so Rebecca would have someone to talk to and he could just watch the game. Plus, it didn’t hurt that Laura was quite attractive, especially in that Orioles trucker hat, short skirt and knee high socks, black and orange to match her freshly painted nails. Team spirit never looked so good.

Camden Yards was buzzing with excitement. The Orioles were fighting to make the playoffs and the team was really fun to watch. Ryan grabbed a couple Natty Bohs before joining the rest of the gang at their seats.

The game moved along at a decent pace, with the teams trading runs in the third and the O’s adding another in the fifth. Rebecca and Laura chatted incessantly, it seemed to Ryan, but appeared to be having a good time. He wasn’t really paying attention to their conversation, but as he turned to see if they wanted more beer, he thought he heard Rebecca asking if Laura ever felt compelled to do a little damage to a man’s weak spot. But they stopped talking as he turned to them, and Laura turned away from him so he wouldn’t see her in a fit of giggles.

Ryan got up to get the beers and told himself to quit imagining things. The earlier conversation and multiple fake nut shots were really doing a number on his psyche.

Around the top of the seventh inning Rebecca excused herself to use the restroom and as she got up, she used Ryan’s inner thigh as leverage to get out of her seat. It felt to him like she pushed a little harder than necessary and got a bit too close to his crotch. He swore he saw Laura catch Rebecca’s little act and break into a chuckle.

“Oops,” said Rebecca. “Did I get a little too close?” She leaned in and gave Ryan a quick kiss by way of faux apology before heading up the stairs. Ryan turned and watched her ass swing as she took little hopping steps up each one. He completely forgot about what Laura may or may not have seen.

Ryan was surprised that she wasn’t back in time for the seventh inning stretch, but he took the opportunity to loosen his muscles. Ballpark seats aren’t always the most comfortable. He and Laura dutifully sang along to Take Me Out to the Ballgame. After the rousing rendition, Laura leaned toward him as she pointed to the Jumbotron in centerfield.

“Check it out. It’s the Kiss Cam. Too bad Rebecca’s not here.”

Ryan couldn’t tell if she was being sympathetic or if she was subtly coming on to him, especially with that wink at the end. Ryan was pondering this thought when Laura jabbed his shoulder.
“Hey – that’s us!” She pointed at the screen.

Sure enough, the cameraman had zeroed in on the two of them. Well fuck me, thought Ryan, where the hell is Rebecca? He could hear the crowd cheering and didn’t want to let them down.
Laura looked up at him, so Ryan leaned down to give her a kiss.

She reached up and grabbed his shoulders and Ryan closed his eyes as their faces neared each other.

Laura kneed him the balls.

All he heard was a small feminine grunt before he felt Laura’s knee compress his balls flat against his pelvic bone. Then suddenly the crowd was hooting and jeering and Laura was waving to the camera as it cut away from the scene.

As the gut twisting pain hit him full force, Ryan clutched at his anguished sac, coughing. His legs wobbled and he attempted to sit down. He felt Laura’s hands on his arm as she tried to guide him into his seat. Despite the fact that she’d just crushed his nuts, he gratefully accepted her help.
He sunk deep into his seat and used what little strength he had left in him to pull his hat down low as if that would render him invisible to the world. Laura sat down in Rebecca’s seat and put her arms around his shoulders. She looked around to the stunned bridal party and gave them a nod that said, “It’s okay, carry on,” before turning back to Ryan.

“Did I get them good?” She whispered into his ear.

“Unghh,” He managed between short gasps of breath.

“Ooh. How bad does it hurt?” She reached toward his hands, still holding his balls, and took one of them. “Squeeze my hand. The harder you squeeze, the less I know it hurts.”

Laura barely felt the pressure as he tried to squeeze her hand.

“Maybe we better get you some ice, then. Do you think you can make it up the steps?”

Ryan shook his head no, but Laura didn’t pay any attention. Instead, she stood and started pulling him to his feet. He really was too weak to offer resistance, so he lamely let her drag him upright.
“Just lean against me and I’ll walk you to the concourse.” She commanded.

Slowly they made their way up, Ryan staring at the ground with his hat still pulled low while Laura walked head held high, occasionally returning a few hand slaps with other girls they passed. She was especially pleased when one tough-looking guy looked at her with admiration and said, “Damn girl, looks like you really fucked that guy up. I think I’ll be careful around you.” As she laughed, he added, “Sorry ‘bout your nuts, bro.”

Finally, they reached the concourse and Laura led Ryan over to a more secluded hallway where he dropped to floor, leaning his back against the wall. Laura left him to recover and went after a bag of ice.

When she came back, Ryan seemed a little better and even waved off the ice.

“Why did you do that?” He asked her.

“You tried to kiss me while we’re at a game with your girlfriend. What did you think was going to happen?”

“It was just a kiss. People were waiting for it and it seemed to me like you were thinking the same thing.” It sounded like lame logic, even to Ryan, as the words left his mouth.

“Looks like you were wrong,” she said with a chuckle. “This is why girls are smarter than guys. I’m not going to try to kiss a friend’s boyfriend, especially when we’re in the same place! But here you go and try to kiss your girlfriend’s friend because ‘you don’t want to let strangers down’? It’s why you guys are always getting your balls kicked.”

Now that was some logic that made sense. Ryan couldn’t argue, so he just let it hang in the air.
“Hey, I think I see Rebecca over there. I’m going to go get her.” Laura offered.

Ryan didn’t respond. He was thinking back to what Rebecca had said earlier about how girls know best when to bust a guy’s balls. He thought it was ridiculous at the time, but maybe she was right. Perhaps it was just the dissipation of the pain clouding his new found thinking, but Laura’s actions were perfect. He was being an idiot in trying to kiss her and she had stopped it with no beating around the bush. One single, well-placed knee and the whole thing was over.

She wasn’t mad about it, wasn’t even making a big deal about it. She simply kneed him in the balls, made him feel excruciating pain to show him the error in his actions and then moved on. Sure it was embarrassing. Sure it was agonizing. But he won’t try it again, or at least think twice next time. It really was the most graceful way to handle things.

He stood up and remembered something about Laura spotting Rebecca. He moved off, a little slowly, to go after them. He had some crow to eat but he thought Rebecca would be glad to hear it.

Ryan spotted the girls in the concourse. Rebecca was leaning against a gray pillar watching Laura raise her knee sharply before breaking into a laugh. Rebecca gave her a high five and then looked over at Ryan approaching.

“Hey baby,” she called to him. “Laura was just telling me about your little incident.”

“Oh,” he said averting her eyes. “What’d she tell you.”

“Just that you tried to kiss her while you were on the big screen and she kneed your balls instead.” Rebecca’s tone was playful and mocking.

“Did she tell you why I went to kiss her?” Ryan countered.

“She did. Understandable, but still stupid. Don’t worry, though, I’m so proud of how she handled it that I’m glad you were thinking like a guy.”

A little uneasiness found its way into Ryan’s laugh. “Well, I’m sorry anyway. And I’m pretty sure I learned my lesson.”

“Almost,” Rebecca said, letting that cruel smile play across her lips.

“Almost?” He asked incredulous.

“Remember what we talked about this afternoon? I believe if anyone was disrespected here, it was me. And when a girl is disrespected, what does she do?”

“She kicks him in the balls.” The resignation in his answer coming out like a sigh.

Laura couldn’t stop herself from laughing. “That is what she does – at least this girl,” and she pointed her thumbs toward herself. “But I bet Rebecca and I aren’t the only ones.”

With that, she made a move to flag down a group of girls passing by them. “Hey girls, can I ask you a question?”

One of the girls, a tall blonde, clearly the Alpha female, nodded, “Sure.”

“What would you – “ Laura was interrupted before she could finish her question.

A short red-head pointed a freckled finger in Ryan’s direction and then back at Laura. “Aren’t you the girl that kneed this guy on the Jumbotron?”

All the girls now stared hard at Ryan.

“That’s the guy!” A second blonde confirmed. “Wow did that look like it hurt! That was the best thing I saw all day! I wish I could do that to my boyfriend.”

“He’s not my boyfriend,” Laura responded.

“He’s my boyfriend,” Rebecca chimed in.

The first blonde, proving blondes aren’t that dumb, jumped in, “So your boyfriend tried to kiss this girl and she nails him in the nuts. Don’t you feel a little miffed?” And then, knowing Rebecca would get the drift, she added, “And left out?”

Rebecca smiled at her, “Given that he only tried to kiss her because he was trying to appease the stadium – after all, it was the Kiss Cam – I’m not really miffed. But left out? You bet I feel a little left out.”

Laura jumped in, “We should include her. What do you think girls, should we give her a go?”
All the girls nodded vigorously. “Oh yeah!!!”

Without realizing it, Ryan had again pulled his hat as low as it would go, hoping he might just disappear.

“So you think I should kick him in the balls, too?” Rebecca asked, feeding the rising frenzy of female excitement.

As she spoke, Laura had motioned the Alpha blonde over, and together they grabbed Ryan’s arms. Before he could wrestle himself away, Rebecca stopped him.

“Don’t you dare try to make an escape. You lost a bet earlier and I’m thinking this is a great time to make good.” Then to Laura, “Bring him back over to that hallway. We don’t need the entire stadium to see. Oh wait – they already did!” She burst out laughing with the rest of the girls as Laura and the blonde pulled a reluctant Ryan into the hall and out of the view of most passers-by.

“Okay girls,” Rebecca addressed the group, which she could now tell plainly were probably all high school age. “Here’s a little lesson for you, though I know Blondie over there already gets it. If a guy disrespects you, this is what you do.”

Their eyes were all fixated on Rebecca, anticipating her next move.

“Spread your legs a little,” she commanded Ryan. And then to the girls, “Don’t let him try to get out of the way.” They tightened their grips on him, feeling him quiver in fear. Even his testicles trembled as they hung bulging in the pouch of his boxer-briefs.

“If you try to block my kick, I’ll just do it again. Harder.” She watched Ryan’s eyes go wide under the brim of his hat. She gave him a few seconds to ready himself.

The red-head couldn’t take it anymore. “Kick him!” She cried.

Rebecca clacked her high heel on the ground and then bent at the waist in a showy fashion, pretending to get her muscles loose. Ryan, despite his anxiety, took in the full view of her cleavage as Rebecca’s full breasts threatened to spill from her top. How easily he was distracted.

Rebecca stood, smiled a wide grin, took one step back and then drove her foot deep into the V between Ryan’s legs.

His balls screamed as they were flattened like pancakes, and their screams exited him in the form a high pitched squeal. Laura and the blonde let him drop mercifully to his knees as his head rolled back and forth, his face contorted in pure pain. His hands flew to his balls and he held them, though much too late to protect them.

Rebecca, Laura and the blonde stood over him while the other girls looked on. Rebecca noticed the most amazingly evil sneer spread across the blonde’s lips as she took in Ryan’s pain with gleaming eyes. It made her smile to see the girl so exhilarated. She, too, was reveling in the terribly painful expression on his face. Like getting punched in a bruise, freshly-busted balls must be agonizing when kicked anew.

No one made a move to comfort Ryan. They merely watched him struggle not to cry or pass out, listening to his guttural moans and whimpers forced by the pain.

“Oh. My. Gawd! That was AWESOME!” One of the high schoolers broke the revelry. A loud burst of girlish giggles soon followed as Rebecca, Laura and, eventually, the blonde walked away from Ryan to join the others.

“I can’t believe he just let you kick his balls like that!” Said the other blonde, in complete amazement.

Rebecca smiled at her benevolently. “What choice did he have? He knows if he doesn’t let me know, he’ll get it later. Only probably worse. And if he doesn’t let me bust his balls, another girl will. But Ryan knows it’s better to let me crush his jewels and then help him through the pain, than to fight the pain of broken balls alone.”

Rebecca nodded in Ryan’s direction and all the girls looked over at him, indeed alone and still in anguish.

“Just remember girls,” she continued, “it is our feminine duty to bust a man’s balls. Sometimes you’ll do it out of anger or for revenge – and that’s good – but the best is when you bust out of love and compassion.”

She looked at the girls, all standing mouths agape in disbelief.

“That’s right. Love. A man doesn’t think he needs a woman. He’s too strong. But when you crush his balls and hurt him viciously, he doesn’t feel so strong anymore – he feels quite powerless, really. But then when you help him get through the pain, and he’s forced to accept the compassion from the girl who has just mashed his manhood, well, he accepts that he isn’t so strong after all. How can he fully know love and compassion without suffering pain and agony?”

As Rebecca looked at them, she could see they were still mystified, not quite ready for such a soliloquy. She noticed the red-head looking at her phone.

“Bottom line: Girls kick guys in the balls. That’s what they do. Believe it and live it.”

They seemed to brighten at this easy-to-grasp concept.

People were starting to exit the stadium at this point, so Laura transitioned the girls out of the hallway and then followed after them to reconnect with the bridal party. Wow did she have some explaining to do.

As Rebecca moved back to Ryan, the red-head caught up with her.

“I hope you don’t mind I got it on video,” she said, blushing.

“No way! That’s awesome. Can I see?”

The girl handed over her phone. Rebecca pressed play and relived the scene.

Somehow, the girl managed to catch Ryan’s look of abject fear right before Rebecca’s foot plowed into him. It was priceless. She cringed in sympathy at the look on his face when he felt the full impact of her kick. It was like he was choking on his own testicles. She hoped he really did feel them in his throat. And then the drop. It was a beautiful, fluid motion, a symphony of torturous agony resulting from a brutal bust.

“Can you email me a copy of this?” She asked the red-head, reciting her email address.

“Definitely. Thanks so much for letting us watch and for letting me record it.”

“My pleasure,” Rebecca practically purred, “my pleasure.”

With that the red-head took off to catch up with her friends and Rebecca was left alone with Ryan. She knelt beside him.

“Hey Sweetie,” she said, ruffling his hair, “You were amazing. I know you’re hurting, but I can’t wait to talk about this when we get home. For all my fake busts today, I guess you really should’ve been on edge. Laura’s knee was gorgeous – I did catch it on the Jumbotron, and I’m sure it hurt – but I hope my kick had a little something extra. I really hope your balls are sore all week.”
She kissed his forehead and let him lean against the leg that just kicked his balls, hoping he realized the irony.

“Guess this wasn’t exactly the ball game you were hoping for.” And then Rebecca laughed, at her own bad joke, at Ryan’s pain and then finally just because right then, somewhere in the world, a guy just got his balls kicked by a girl.

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