Egg Breakers (Chapters 18–19)

Chapter 18

“Go inside and sit on the mats.” Mom tossed the keys in the air, catching them as another woman walked by. “Your sensei was really nice to let us use the dojo for free.”

“Did you hear what he said?” I asked.

“Only because you’re his very best student!”

I gave mom a huge smile. Actually, right after that, he laughed and put his arm around my shoulders and told me I better get at least 5 new signups for the dojo—or else. He then slapped my back and laughed as he walked away to his car. He would probably be training me harder anyway—he always pushed me to do my very best.

I tightened my belt as the last person walked inside. “I bet Lizzie never got that big of a compliment.”

“Well, she’s not the great Joshy Woshy!” Mom pinched my cheek and headed in.

Hopefully no one saw that. How could these women take me seriously as a trainer? She really had to stop embarrassing me like that.

As I walked inside, Lizzie already had groups of 2 punching, kicking, and blocking with each other. Most of them were wearing Egg-Breaker shirts, socks, or yoga pants.

Lizzie clapped. “Everyone!”

Nobody listened, and continued doing their practice.

Lizzie blew the whistle—everyone stopped in place.

“There, that’s better.” Lizzie put the whistle down. “All of you were doing great in your drills. Please go line up against the wall.”

Everyone followed instructions.

“This is Josh.” Lizzie bowed towards me. “He’s going to be helping us train today.”

I tightened my green belt, bowed, and tried to look as cool as possible.

“Now, how many of you were ever attacked?”

A few women raised their hands.

“How many are scared of being attacked?”

A lot more hands were raised.

“It’s natural to be scared, but there’s no need to be in constant fear.” Lizzie walked in the middle of the mats. “One way to feel better is to always be prepared for the worst.”

She reached into a bag, taking out pepper spray and a few other items.

“Thanks to our generous donors, all of you are getting your own little baggies. Grab them on your way out.”

Lots of girls clapped and cheered as mom started placing bags on the table by the door.

Lizzie took out a little rod and extended it. “Do any of you know what this is?”

There were a few murmurs. Lizzie whacked my shoulder with it, and got a lot of giggles.

“This is a mini-nightstick. You can keep it in your purse or on your keychain.” Lizzie hit me again. “Did it hurt?”

“Yes!” I rubbed my shoulder as there were more giggles.

“You see? This is a good weapon.” Lizzie smirked and hit me one more time to get more laughs. “An evil attacker like this one probably wouldn’t expect us to have one of these.”

Mom walked over and took the items from Lizzie—she did a model-walk back to the table as she flamboyantly displayed them.

“So,” Lizzie said, “what are some of the other reasons you wanted to take this class?”

A hot woman with amazing boobs stepped forward. “Well, a few days ago this jerk yelled out I had nice boobs.”

“Yeah.” Rebecca put a hand on her shoulder. “Like my mom said, men are sometimes jerks.”

Wow. I could see where Rebecca got her looks from. They were both wearing egg-breaker yoga pants too, and Rebecca looked even better than I imagined.

Lizzie snapped her fingers in front of my eyes. “Joshy Woshy here was probably thinking those same bad thoughts!”

More giggles from everyone as I turned red.

“While catcalling is bad, it’s not really self-defense.” Lizzie walked in front of me. “Remember, never provoke a fight. But if some jerk said that to you—”

She unleashed a back kick and stopped it right before my groin.

“—an accidental hit in the eggs would work.”

Everyone started giggling and trying to hold back their laughter.

“I’m sorry, I missed that accident,” someone said. “Can you show us again?”

Lizzie laughed, then walked up to me and held my shoulders. “Or you’re in the club, and some guy touches you inappropriately.”

She stopped her knee right before it struck.

“Oops, right in the eggs!”

A lot more giggles as people pointed to the stickman on their shirts and laughed.

“But that’s not the only move you have at your disposal.” Lizzie did the same exact flip from this morning, then started twisting my arm as everyone clapped.

I tapped her leg.

“You can even step on his head if you want.” Lizzie ground her foot into my cheek as everyone laughed.

I tapped her leg again.

“So, how many of you have annoying brothers?” Most of the hands shot up.

“That was awesome!” Fortune-teller girl stepped forward. “I can’t wait to use that on him.”

Lizzie ground her foot in some more. “Well this is my annoying little brother, and it’s fun to teach him his place.”

Mom did a pose on the mat. “It’s fun for me to teach him lessons too!”

Everyone laughed as Lizzie ground her foot in harder.

“Yeah,” Lizzie said, “me and my mom run our household. No evil attackers there!”

“I’ve seen it with my own eyes!” Rebecca walked forward. “Lizzie even taught me a few special moves already!” Rebecca faked a stomp to my groin as everyone burst into laughter.

I felt myself melting as Lizzie finally released my arm. I quickly stood up and tried my best to recover. I should’ve never come here.

Lizzie smirked at me. “Like Reebee said, double-teaming is also a good way to protect yourselves. If you see another woman getting harassed, don’t be afraid to step in and help.”

More chuckles.

Lizzie then had everyone put on the red sparring pads as she taught a lot of the basics—punches and kicks, and an escape move or two, like escaping a bear hug. Everyone’s eyes were as wide as melons, like Lizzie was the coolest person ever. Even mom looked fascinated—maybe she just wasn’t paying attention when I got my green belt, those moves were so much more advanced than this stuff.

Everyone split into groups—me and mom teamed up, and she kept on reminding me of how fun practice was this morning.

Lizzie blew the whistle. “Now you’ll all get to train on a live dummy!”

Everyone clapped and cheered.

“Do we get to kick his eggs?” someone asked, and everyone started giggling.

Lizzie laughed too as she handed me a helmet. “Sadly, no. But you do get to kick him in the giant egg he calls his head!”

I stared down at the helmet in disbelief. This didn’t have anything to do with self-defense training. I pulled Lizzie to the side and whispered in her ear.

“What the hell is this?”

“Do you want me to have them training on your eggs?”

I nodded no.

“Your stomach?”

I nodded again.

“Then get down on all fours.” She shoved the helmet in my stomach. “Or I’m going to have me and Reebee teach everyone about your weakness right in front of the class.”

I turned around and started strapping the helmet on as I saw fortune-teller girl smirking. She held her stomach and gave me the largest grin.

“Excuse me, sensei Lizzie?” Fortune-teller girl stepped forward.

Lizzie nodded.

“I have to go to the bathroom.”

“Okay? You can just go. No need for permission.” Lizzie looked at me and whispered in my ear. “Weird girl.”

“I know.” I finished strapping on my helmet and stood in the center with Lizzie.

“Reebee, can you come here and help me?”

Rebecca skipped over and stood near me.

“So, remember that jerk at the club?” Lizzie bumped up against me and spun me around. “You and your girlfriends are out, having a great time.”

“And he squeezes my melons?” Rebecca grabbed my hands and placed them lightly on her boobs.

“Yes, exactly.”

Rebecca slapped me hard. Lizzie stepped to the side and kicked her foot behind my knee, then kicked the back of my head as I fell, launching me onto all fours.

“Perfect!”

Rebecca stepped on my hands.

“This would be better if you had high heels on—they can cause some serious damage!”

I tried pulling my hands away, but Rebecca ground them under her heels.

“You see? This jerk would think twice about squeezing melons if his fingers are busted.”

Some more giggles as Rebecca twisted back and forth while I tried prying my fingers out.

“Reebee’s mom.” Lizzie pointed. “Do you want to be the first to go?”

“Sure!” She ran up and gave Rebecca a high five.

“First, I want you to give him a light kick in the head.” Lizzie stood behind Rebecca’s mom.

She gave me a light kick.

“Good instincts. But try not to use the top of your foot, there are many weaker bones in there.”

She gave another kick.

“And we don’t want to hurt his big egg.” Lizzie kicked the air and patted her leg. “Use your shin, so the pads protect you.”

I saw a white flash.

“Great! Now while he’s knocked out, nobody would notice if you accidentally walked over his hands.”

Everyone laughed as Rebecca stepped off. I tried standing up, but her mom kicked my stomach.

“Or you can kick him there while he’s down. That works too.”

A searing pain ran through me as I held my side with one hand.

Rebecca’s mom crushed my other hand and bounced a little. “That’s for touching my daughter’s boobs, jerk!”

Everyone laughed as the next girl walked forward.

“Okay, did you see how I taught her?” Lizzie threw another kick in the air.

I saw a white flash.

“Great, you’re a pro!”

I watched my fingers get crushed as the next girl walked up.

I saw white and fell face-first into the mat. My stomach was burning.

“Great! You taught that jerk real good.” My fingers were crushed by the other girl as Lizzie walked over and rubbed my back. “Are you okay? You’re sweating like a pig.”

“My stomach. I think it’s ripped open.”

Lizzie gasped and patted my back. “Go into the bathroom, I’ll meet you in there in a few minutes.”

Lizzie blew the whistle. “Okay, let’s get back to drills. I kicked Joshy Woshy a little too hard in the egg, he needs a breather.”

I rushed as quickly as I could into the locker room. I took off my gi and saw lots of blood—those cleat marks opened again and were leaking through my bandages.

Some of my things fell out when I yanked open my locker. I dug through it and found some fresh bandages, then started taking off my bloody ones.

“Is that what happened behind the bleachers?”

I whipped around—fortune-teller girl was there.

Lizzie burst into the locker room and the fortune-teller slipped out.

“Ouch, that doesn’t look good at all.” Lizzie rushed over and started to help clean me up. “I’m sorry I kicked you so hard. And I’m sorry about last night.”

“It’s okay.” I helped wrap some bandages around. “We just can’t let mom know about this.”

“She would kill us both.”

I nodded.

“And I would lose my money-maker! My business would be ruined before it even started. Did you see those piles of cash?” Lizzie giggled, then continued wrapping. “I’m sorry I stole your $2.”

I nodded as I pinned the bandages together.

Lizzie rubbed my back. “I better get out there before they start suspecting something. I said I needed to go to the bathroom. And mom’s in charge out there, who knows what egg-breaking moves she’s teaching them!”

I picked my gi up off the floor and slowly put it back on as Lizzie left.

As I stuffed everything back into my locker, I picked up a strange piece of paper. I unfolded it, and a picture fell out:

Caught you. Tell anyone, everyone sees.

I picked up the picture and flipped it over:

My pants down and Rebecca rubbing my tent.

I quickly shoved it into my locker and slammed everything closed.

I dashed into the dojo and looked for fortune-teller girl, she was nowhere to be found.

I ran to Rebecca. “Did you see that one girl from the soccer game?”

“Wow, you look as white as a ghost. Did me and my mom hurt your fingers that badly?”

“The girl you saved me from.”

“At the game?”

I nodded.

“She left. Said she wasn’t feeling well, and she got picked up. Is something wrong?”

I took a deep breath. “We’ve got a big—”

“Are you okay?” Mom rubbed my back. “You look as white as a ghost.”

“Lizzie just kicked me too hard.”

She rubbed my back some more. “She was probably just trying to show off in front of all these ladies. Probably meant no harm.”

“I’m in the middle of someth—”

“Come on.” Mom started dragging me away. “Let’s start getting everyone ready to leave. Your sensei said we had to be out of here an hour ago.”

I stood by the door and held out a signup sheet as Lizzie and mom helped hand out bags. A lot of the girls giggled and made bad egg-related jokes at my expense. Two even asked if I disappeared because my eggs broke, and one slapped an egg-sticker on my crotch as they ran outside.

I was only able to get 4 to sign up, but everyone just loved “sensei Lizzie” and wanted to do this again some time.

After everyone else left, Rebecca and her mom were planning a girl’s night out with Lizzie and mom in a few weeks.

I looked down at the sheet and saw a 5th name. I scratched it out and shoved it in my pocket.

Heather Tellnowun

Chapter 19

The next few weeks went by in the blink of an eye. Sensei was so glad I got 4 signups, but my punishment was I had to help train the newest recruits. It worked out perfectly in the end, because my stomach was able to heal properly without getting hit during karate practice. And every night I was able to practice my breathing techniques, in my room, alone.

When I made it into the kitchen, my eggs were already ready.

“Wow, thanks mo—”

Lizzie flipped the towel over her shoulder and turned around. “Did you just call me mom?”

“No, of course not.” I quickly sat down and started shoveling eggs in my mouth.

Lizzie sat down in mom’s chair.

I stopped chewing and looked at her. “What are—”

“You wanted your mommy this morning, you’ll get one!” Lizzie laughed.

“Stop acting so weird and get in your chair.”

“Fine, but you’ll regret it.” Lizzie shifted chairs. “So how are my eggs?”

“Great.”

“Better than mom’s?”

“I don’t know about that, but these are pretty good.”

Lizzie had a cat-like grin while resting her cheeks in her hands.

I stopped eating. “What did you do?”

“Nothing, just keep eating.”

I dropped the fork and pushed the plate away.

“Guess who’s coming over today?”

“Aliens.”

“Guess again.” Lizzie rested her foot on my chair.

I looked down and saw her wiggling toes. “A zombie.”

“Stop joking around! I’m serious. It’s your imaginary girlfriend.”

“She’s not imaginary.”

“Yes she is, you imagine she likes you.” Lizzie began rubbing her foot on my knee. “It’s going to be a big day today, so eat those eggs.”

“Why?”

“Mom didn’t tell you?”

“Just tell me!”

“Let’s just say, Round 3 is going to happen today.”

I laughed. “You versus mom?”

“And there’s going to be a bigger crowd. Reebee and her mom are coming over.”

I finished my eggs. “Good luck with that. If you hurt mom, she’ll rip your ear off. She’ll be the champ in no time.”

Wow, Rebecca and her hot mom, in this house. I wonder if I’ll be able to get Rebecca alone in my room tonight. I still haven’t had the chance to tell her what happened with the picture. And maybe something else might get to happen too.

“Well, thanks for the eggs. I’m going to practice.”

“Make sure you brush your teeth!”

* * *

I spent most of the day playing video games. Mom and Lizzie were out shopping with Rebecca and her mom, and they would be back any minute. I couldn’t wait to see Lizzie get destroyed by mom.

When I heard a car pull up, I peeked out the window. There was Rebecca and her mom stepping out of the car. Somehow their egg-breaker shirts got even tighter, and the skin-tight pants got tighter too. I gave Rebecca’s blue soccer sock a final sniff, and then hid it in my secret hiding spot.

I laid in bed and continued playing games.

“Joshy, we’re home!” Lizzie yelled from downstairs.

Mom burst into my room. “Why isn’t the table set?”

“I didn’t know.”

“Chicken. Your favorite. Downstairs now.”

I leaped out of bed and rushed downstairs. I ran right by Rebecca and her mom and set up the table, then sat down and started eating.

“Wow,” Rebecca said as she walked in, “you weren’t kidding when you said he loves chicken.”

Everyone else followed and sat down at the table while mom filled a glass and stood by the sink.

“Why aren’t you sitting?” Rebecca’s mom asked.

“Oh, we only have four chairs.” Mom drank some water. “But don’t mind me. Joshy Woshy will be out of here within seconds and I’ll have a free seat.”

“Don’t be silly.” She shifted over and patted the chair. “Just squeeze in next to me!”

Mom got herself a plate and squeezed into the seat, then sat diagonally and rested her feet on my legs.

“Great idea.” Rebecca’s mom copied and tried resting hers on Rebecca’s lap.

“Ew.” Rebecca pushed the feet away. “I’m eating!”

“Josh isn’t complaining.” Her mom looked at me. “You’re a great son.”

Mom laughed. “A great footrest too.”

“You see, mom?” Rebecca said. “That’s why we need to take more karate classes. We could have footrests at home too!”

Lizzie laughed. “Yep, we get to use this one all the time. Massages too!”

“Oh,” Rebecca’s mom said, “a massage would be perfect right now. Although my feet are frozen.”

“Do you need some socks?” Mom pulled her feet off my lap and sat up. “We have lots of pairs upstairs. And while you wait, just rest your feet in the little foot-warmer.”

Mom ran upstairs while Rebecca’s mom peeked under the table. “A sleeping bag?”

Lizzie shrugged. “Joshy Woshy likes to sleep under there sometimes.”

“Wow,” Rebecca laughed, “he really is a footrest!”

I turned a little red as I continued wolfing down chicken.

Mom came back and handed Rebecca’s mom some socks.

She grabbed them and started putting them on. “This sleeping bag foot-warmer you have here is pretty genius.”

“You think that one’s great, you should see the foot-warmer here.” Mom pinched my cheeks.

Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea coming out of my room in the first place. I just ate some more chicken.

Lizzie laughed. “And you wouldn’t believe what happened after that soccer game!”

I kicked her leg and she jumped. She glared at me.

“Well,” Rebecca said, “what happened? Don’t leave us hanging.”

Lizzie didn’t take her eyes off of me. “I meant during practice, we had a fortune-telling business going on. You ask a question, and if his cheeks turn red, it’s true.”

Mom patted Rebecca’s mom on the shoulder. “My sister Nikki came up with that one. She’s amazing at learning the truth.”

“Do you like legs?” Rebecca’s mom rubbed her foot against my leg.

I stopped eating. “Uhh, I guess so.”

Her foot went up higher. “What do you mean, you guess so?”

“… No… not really.” I felt my face turning red as I tried squirming away.

“It’s true.” Rebecca clapped. “You see, mom. His face is as red as a fire engine! You see all those chicken legs on his plate?”

I looked down and saw six chicken leg bones. I laughed. “Oh, ha ha, very funny.”

“Were you thinking of mom’s? Gross!” Lizzie and Rebecca started cracking up.

Mom threw a napkin at her. “Lizzie, stop embarrassing your brother in front of our guests. Although my legs do look amazing in these.”

She got up and struck a pose. Rebecca’s mom laughed and copied. They both rested their feet on the cupboards and stretched their legs, displaying them like they were prizes on a gameshow.

“Whose are better?” Lizzie kicked my leg.

Rebecca gagged. “Please don’t say your mom, that’s gross!”

“Both are—” Lizzie kicked my leg and I jumped. “… I mean… mom’s?”

Lizzie burst out of her chair and paraded around the kitchen with mom.

Rebecca kicked me under the table as I reached over for another piece of chicken.

“Did I miss something?”

“Round 3!” Mom and Lizzie cheered. “Joshy Woshy vs. Reebee and her mom!”

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