Egg Breakers (Chapters 16–17)

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Chapter 16

“We made thousands of dollars.” Lizzie laid it all out on the living room floor and rolled in it.

“Great first day, eh?” Mom stopped Lizzie with her foot, then gave her a kiss.

We all laughed as I gingerly rolled around too.

Lizzie picked out $2 and stuffed it in my pocket. “That’s your cut.”

“Are you crazy?” I stopped rolling. “I did so much more than that!”

“No. Your name was only on ‘Joshy Massagy,’ and you only gave one massage.”

“You have tons of money here!” I lifted a fistful and threw it at her.

“Should’ve let that lady step on your head then.”

Mom laughed. “Why would someone do that?”

Lizzie glared at me as she started scooping money as far away from me as possible. “You know how Jules came up with that amazing design?”

Mom nodded.

“Well some lady thought you could rest your feet on his face while he massaged.”

Mom laughed and rubbed her toe on my cheek. “Well that is the comfiest foot-pillow.”

I rolled away, but winced, holding my side as pain shot through my entire midsection.

“She was willing to donate a lot of money too,” Lizzie said.

“How much?” Mom reached down and picked up some money.

“She waved $100 in his face, but he refused!”

Mom counted out $100 and walked over to me. She raised her bare foot above my head.

“Mom, what are you doing?” I said as I tried rolling away.

Mom followed me around the room and lightly kicked me in the back each time. When one kick landed on my stomach, I stopped dead in my tracks—every little cut radiated.

“So your stomach is your weakness. I’ll have to remember that.” She waved the money in my face. “I’ll give you $100 to use my favorite foot-pillow as you give me a massage.”

“Mom, that’s disgusting.” I knocked it away.

“What’s the big deal? You’ve already had these babies in your face before.” Mom raised her foot and wiggled her toes.

“That was different!”

“How?” She lowered her foot towards my head, but I knocked it away. “Oh, I get it, you need your ass handed to you before I get to use my foot-pillow.”

“Yeah,” Lizzie laughed, “every time you used his face, he was below us. 2nd place, 3rd place, even Aunt Nikki got in on the action!”

Mom raised her foot again and laughed. “Remember Aunt Nikki’s smelly feet? And I’m paying you this time!”

I stared at her dirty sole. I did remember Aunt Nikki’s feet, and they smelled wonderful. Mom’s shoes smelled similar too. Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad.

I knocked her foot away. “Gross!”

Lizzie laughed. “I’ll also toss in $100 if you give mom a massage.”

Mom kicked my ribs lightly. “Or do you need a Lizzie special? Maybe I can get it for free!”

A stabbing pain shot through my entire side. “Okay okay! $250 and it’s a deal.”

Lizzie threw some money on my chest. “For $250, mom better get a good foot-cleaning too!”

Mom laughed and looked at her bare feet. “They are pretty dirty. Go get a towel.”

“For that much money, he should be eating off our feet!” Lizzie headed upstairs.

Mom looked down at me. “Look yummy, don’t they?”

I smacked her foot away. She nudged my ribs.

“I’m only teasing.” Mom laughed. “Although I think I do see a little egg on there. Mmm, your favorite!”

Lizzie came back, handing mom the towel.

Mom stood above me, wiping the bottom of her feet.

I stared at her soles, seeing every blade of grass, every speck of dirt being flicked away by the towel in slow motion. Her toes and heel were the dirtiest, I could see every crevice of her footprint.

Mom nudged me in the ribs with her “clean” foot.

“Get in position, Joshy Massagy.”

“This is hilarious, mom.” Lizzie sat back, then continued counting her money.

“What is?”

“I bet Joshy would’ve never thought in a million years he would have to be under your feet again.”

“Why? I’m amazing!” Mom raised her other foot and started wiping that one. “These feet are egg-breakers.”

Lizzie laughed. “And isn’t $250 a little steep for a simple massage?”

“Maybe I could get an Egg-Breaker discount.” Mom looked down at me and crossed her eyes.

“Too late!” I ripped the money off my chest and stuffed it into my pockets. “Joshy Massagy offers no refunds.”

“We’ll see about that.” Mom smirked and knocked a bit of grass in my direction.

I coughed as I rubbed my eyes and sat up.

“This business is pretty dirty.” Mom wiggled her toes. “I better not get some dirty-face disease on my feet.”

“Or the red-faced fever!” Lizzie laughed.

“Or red-foot fever!” Mom shoved her foot in my face and started rubbing it around.

I jerked my head back and forth, trying to knock her foot away as I was forced into the couch. The back of my head jammed in between the couch cushions.

“Stay right there.” Mom pressed her toes on my nose. “Don’t move an inch!”

Mom laughed as she laid down on the couch, then rested her heel on my forehead.

“Perfect!” Mom wiggled her heel. “Lizzie, put on the TV.”

Lizzie stretched over, grabbed the remote, and turned it on.

“Now start that wonderful Joshy Massagy massage.” Mom rested her other foot on my chest.

I started slowly massaging that one as I stared at her other foot. The side of her foot still had bits of dirt and grass on it, probably was grinding it directly into my skin.

“This is the life.” Mom wiggled her toes. “This should happen every day.”

“Making thousands?” Lizzie shook a stack of money.

“That too.” Mom reached her hand out. “Here, I’ll help you count.”

Lizzie slid the money closer to me, bumping into my legs as she handed mom a wad of cash.

“You look comfy,” Lizzie said.

“Super.” Mom rubbed her heel on my forehead. “That woman was on to something.”

I tried turning to the side, but my head was trapped. I continued massaging mom’s foot.

“While you’re counting, why don’t you get comfy too?” Mom reached over and tossed Lizzie a pillow.

Lizzie caught it. “But you have the comfiest spot!”

“Just put it on his lap.” Mom stretched her foot in my hands. “Since we’re paying him so much, you might as well get a massage too.”

“I’m not—” My legs yanked closed as my entire vision shattered.

“Ouch, did she get your stomach?” Mom giggled as I groaned.

Lizzie jammed her feet on the pillow. “Ahh, so comfy.”

“Those pillows are deadly weapons around you.”

“Anything is deadly in my hands.” Lizzie dug her feet in, then continued counting her money.

After my brain started slowly working again, I took in deep, slow, calming breaths. I closed my eyes and imagined I was massaging Rebecca.

I was knocked out of my thoughts when a foot dug into my stomach. I winced.

“Massage me too!”

Mom pulled her foot out of my hands and rested it on my face. “Ahh, my feet needed a good warming. Thank you, Lizzie.”

Every so often, mom would scrape her feet back and forth over my nose, grunting about losing track of money.

Mom’s feet definitely smelled different than I expected, and even though they were filthy, they still had a sweet stink to them. Probably what Aunt Nikki’s would smell like if she went with us.

“How much do you have?” Lizzie asked.

“I lost count,” mom said. “The TV kept on distracting me.”

Lizzie laughed. “You’re the one who probably needed the massage more.”

“It’s okay,” mom said. “I used the hard lump in the middle of my pillow to massage instead.”

“You mean Mount Nosey?”

Mom giggled as she rubbed her feet back and forth, then sat up. “I think I counted $1403.”

“Wow. And I had $3347.”

I pulled my head out of the couch and blinked. My face smelled like stink, but good stink.

Mom reached over and rubbed the back of my head. “Thank you for the wonderful massage, honey. It made concentrating much easier.”

“Yeah, thanks Joshy Massagy.” Lizzie flexed her feet into the pillow.

Mom picked at my hair. “Are these crumbs?”

“Were you eating in here?”

“He better not have.” Mom inspected her fingers, then pried apart the cushions. “Did someone drop food?”

I remembered the disappearing energy bar… why couldn’t the gremlin disappear those crumbs? Mom was going to kill me.

“It was probably just dirt or grass,” I said. “You didn’t clean your feet too good.”

“Yeah.” Lizzie laughed and picked a grass blade off my cheek, then threw it on the carpet. “Joshy’s floor is filthy.”

Mom flipped over a cushion. “Well he didn’t offer me a doormat or anything. Maybe I should get my money back.”

Lizzie grabbed the foot-towel and waved it in my direction. “Is this what you use to wipe? It’s filthy!”

I knocked it away, only to get a hard heel to the stomach. I grunted as I watched mom step on the towel as she flipped another cushion.

“Ew!” Lizzie said. “Look at the bottom of your feet, mom!”

Mom raised her foot and looked at her sole. “Is that how you treat your favorite customers? With dirty towels?”

I watched the towel get crushed as mom twisted back and forth.

“I think it has red-face disease,” Lizzie said. “I think he uses it to wipe the sweat off his face!”

Mom jumped off the towel and bopped my head with the cushion.

“I think I feel my feet getting brown-and-red disease.” Mom bopped me again. “I want my money back.”

Lizzie dug through my pockets as I tried to squirm away.

Mom pinned my head down with a cushion. “Lizzie, get my refund!”

Lizzie jammed her heel hard into my stomach as I screamed.

“Got it!” Lizzie said. “Now get that cushion away before the disease spreads!”

They both cracked up as mom yanked the cushion off me. She gently pushed me onto the floor, then started making the couch nice again.

“Good job, Lizzie.” Mom nudged my butt with her foot. “So how much does that give us?”

“An even $5000.” Lizzie laughed.

“Wow, it’s like it was meant to be.” Mom high-fived Lizzie. “And I didn’t even need to use my Egg-Breaker discount.”

“Would’ve been more fun though.”

“Maybe next time.” Mom looked down and nudged me. “Now make sure you vacuum all this up. I’m going upstairs, and when I get back down, I want to see Joshy Massagy’s carpet spotless.”

After mom left, Lizzie picked up the towel and smirked as she waved $2 in my direction.

“And this was the refund collection fee.”

I dug through my pockets—empty.

Lizzie kicked my stomach, then stuffed the towel in my mouth as I screamed.

“Next time, that’ll be her yummy socks.”

Chapter 17

Mom and Lizzie were wearing those tight stickman yoga pants. Lizzie was leaning against the counter, talking to mom as she washed dishes.

I looked down at Lizzie’s legs. I just imagined Rebecca wearing those. Seeing all those soccer girls at the game was incredible, but Rebecca would be off the charts.

“Hey Joshy,” Lizzie said as she shifted legs, “I was just telling mom about training this morning.”

“With Rebecca?”

“Are you a stalker? She doesn’t like stalkers.”

Mom flipped the towel over her shoulder and turned around. “Breakfast this morning? Want some—”

“—eggs?” Lizzie slapped an egg sticker onto mom’s crotch.

Mom leaned over and groaned. She laughed as she peeled off the sticker and stuck it on her foot, then started aiming kicks for Lizzie’s butt.

Lizzie laughed and ran around the table, then used me as a shield. “Watch out! Those feet are egg magnets!”

I tried moving out of the way, but Lizzie kept yanking me around.

“Don’t think that’ll stop me!” Mom threw a fake kick.

Lizzie dragged me around the table. “Stop it, mom, before someone gets hurt!”

Mom stopped and posed, showing off her Egg-Breakers shirt. “I learned a thing or two at that soccer game.”

“Yeah, how to raise a lot of donations.”

I blocked mom’s next kick. “Mom, watch it! Go the other way!”

Mom rushed around the table and kicked at Lizzie, who dodged in the nick of time.

“Just go make Joshy Woshy some eggs!”

Mom whipped her towel and hit Lizzie on the shoulder. “Maybe I should take that self-defense course too.”

“What’s the need?” Lizzie snickered. “You already have your stickers!”

“It’s almost falling off.” Mom laughed as she looked down and wiggled her toes while reaching down and peeling off the sticker. She lunged for Lizzie and stuck it to my shoulder instead. “Maybe Joshy Woshy could teach me how to catch you.”

“This loser?” Lizzie patted my cheeks. “He couldn’t hurt a fly.”

I stomped on Lizzie’s foot, snaked my foot behind her leg, and threw her to the ground. I locked her arm and stepped on her armpit, then peeled the sticker off and stuck it to her forehead.

“You see?” Mom clapped and gave me a hug. “He could teach me some moves. He just took down the champ!”

Lizzie tapped my leg. I didn’t want to let her go, this felt amazing! And I probably would never get to see this again.

“But you can easily defeat him with one kick!” Lizzie tapped again and looked furious.

“Sure.” Mom crossed her eyes and pointed to her shirt. “But that move wouldn’t work against you. And I have to fight you next!”

I finally let go of Lizzie and took a step back. She ripped the sticker off her forehead and flew up as mom laughed, opened the fridge, and started making some eggs.

“Anyway,” mom said, “you were telling me about you and Rebecca practicing soccer this morning.”

Both of us sat down in our usual chairs. “And she said the players and moms are so excited for that self-defense class.”

“How many won the egg-catching game?”

“Eight.” Lizzie smirked as she used her fingers to kick the sticker. “I told them they could bring their moms or sisters too.”

“That’s fantastic! That sounds like a lot of people.” Mom turned around and placed my plate of eggs down. “The great Joshy Woshy could help you training.”

I gulped. I couldn’t go. Lizzie would probably find some way to humiliate me. “No, I’m busy that day.”

“Well you’ll have to free up your schedule.”

“Reebee’s going to be there.” Lizzie kicked my leg. “Are you sure you don’t want to come?”

“No wa—”

Mom pushed my plate. “If you won’t go, then I’ll have to practice in your room with you. If I win, you go, and if I lose, you can stay at home.”

“That sounds like a great idea, mom!” Lizzie laughed.

“You can’t win at practice.” I nodded my head as I ate some eggs. “And I practice alo—”

“Not today you don’t.”

Lizzie got up and kissed mom. “I’m going out shopping with Reebee, I’ll be home later. Have fun practicing.”

I ate more eggs. “I’m not going to practice.”

Mom grabbed my ear. “Up to your room right now.”

Lizzie laughed. “Looks like I’ll be seeing you at self-defense class. Looks like mom’s won already!”

* * *

“So what do you do in a typical day?” Mom sat on my bed.

I threw a few kicks. “Well this week is practicing kicks.”

Mom giggled as she looked down at her shirt. “Well I’m already an expert at that, wouldn’t you say?”

I turned red and tried not to think about it. “Well it’s what I’m practicing.”

Mom walked over and grabbed the yellow belt off my dresser. She put it on her head and bowed towards me. “Your funeral.”

I stood on one foot and practiced ten high kicks in a row, then switched legs and did ten more.

Mom tried her best, but kept losing balance after a few kicks. She hung onto my bed after each kick and was already out of breath. I probably completed thirty kicks before she even finished five.

“Mom, you can’t be hanging onto the bed.”

“I can do what I want.” Mom panted. “This is hard work.”

“I know, that’s why it’s called training.”

I balanced on one foot and started practicing ten back kicks on each foot. Mom copied me, and stared at her feet while still hanging onto the bed. I smacked her hand and smirked when she collapsed to the floor.

“What the hell did you do that for?” Mom glared at me.

“No hands on the bed, that’s not training.”

“Is that what your sensei did too? Rip your hands out from under you?”

“There isn’t any beds in the dojo.”

Mom brushed herself off and tightened her belt.

“Now just imagine me as your sensei.”

Mom bowed and giggled. “Okay, but that’s a little hard. You don’t have a black belt on. I only learn from masters.”

“Well I don’t have one. Green will have to do.”

“Wait right there.” Mom ran out of my room and came back a few seconds later with Lizzie’s black belt and the greatest toy ever.

I gave her a huge hug as she put it on my dresser.

“What was your gift doing in her closet?”

I shrugged. Hopefully she would tell Lizzie that she’s the one who took it, or I would be paying for it later.

She tied the black belt around my head. “There, that’s better.”

“Now are you going to listen to me?”

Mom bowed. “Yes, sensei.”

“Okay, now stand on one foot, don’t hang on anything, and kick your foot out straight.”

Mom balanced on one foot and fell down before she even threw a kick.

“Did you drink as much as Aunt Nikki last night?” I helped her up.

“I can’t concentrate on so many things at once. And I can’t kick at air. I need a target!”

“Fine,” I said, “will it make it easier if I stand there and block your kicks?”

Mom nodded. “And stand in the doorway. It’ll be away from your precious bed and I’ll have more room just in case I fall.”

“Good idea.” I stood in position, sticking my hands out waist-level. Mom threw a few front kicks and I blocked. “Wow, much better!”

Mom jumped and cheered.

“Next kick.” I showed her a sideways high kick. “Aim for the attacker’s face.”

Mom copied my kick, and wiggled her toes. “I might need a little massage after this.”

“Did you go outside to get the mail again?”

“Yep!” Mom kicked again, keeping her foot in the air. “I know I tell Lizzie not to, but I was just too lazy to put my shoes on this morning.”

I stared at her dirty sole. “Well make sure you go wash your feet after this.”

She kicked again. “Why? You’ll be using that foot-towel from yester—”

“—I’m not giving you a massage.”

“We’ll see about that, sensei.” She kicked. “And this time I’m not spending $250 on it.”

I had to get her off this topic. “Getting you away from that bed was really good. Your kicks are amazing.”

She skipped towards my bed and struck a pose. “I’m the kicking master! Just ask Joshy Woshy!” She started cheering and pointing to her imaginary crowd.

“Enough goofing around, training is serious.”

Mom pouted. “Then teach me that move you did on Lizzie this morning.”

I took a few steps forward, spun her, and grabbed her.

“Now you have to stomp on Lizzie’s foot.” She did, slowly. “And then you put your foot behind mine.” She did. “And then you just press your back into me, and Lizzie will go flying to the—”

Mom shoved me hard. Flying towards the doorway, I grasped at the door as I fell in slow motion. Mom kicked my hand out of the air, and I slammed onto my back.

Mom walked over to me and stepped on my stomach. Pain shot through my body. “Wow, that was pretty good, huh?”

“Yeah, although you weren’t supposed to—”

“If I use that move against Lizzie, she’s as good as number 2!”

I tapped mom’s leg. “Okay, you can let me up now.”

“Going to let me go to your—”

“No.”

She stomped. “Going to give me that mass—”

“No.”

She stomped again, and then stood on me. “Well then, you’re not moving.”

It felt like the cuts in my stomach ripped open. I tried rolling out from under her, but the doorway was blocking me, and she hung onto it for balance.

“I won at practice. Now just say you give up before I crush your guts!”

“I give up!” I grabbed her leg and struggled. “Now get off!”

Mom started wiping her feet on me and laughed. “Lizzie said we needed a doormat after I brought in the mail. I think I found one. And he’s a black belt too!”

I tried sitting up, but mom just pressed on my chest and moved both feet next to each other.

“I wouldn’t say no anymore, sensei.” Mom smirked and wiggled her toes. “Are you going to help Lizzie train the self-defense class?”

“Yes! Yes!” I grabbed her legs again, but she kicked my hands away.

“And this one’s really important.” She raised her foot.

“Yes! I’ll give you a stupid massage!”

“Oh, I wasn’t even going to say that.” Mom laughed and lowered her foot a little.

“What were you—”

“If you wanted some ice cream for training me today. But massage works too!”

Mom reached down and took the black belt off my head. “You’re going to be in big trouble for taking this out of her room!”

“But I didn’t—”

Mom stepped on my face as she walked towards Lizzie’s room. “I won’t tell Lizzie. But only if my massage is out of this world!”

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