Egg Breakers (Chapters 14–15)

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Chapter 14

Lizzie burst into my room, shoving me onto my bed.

“He’s in here, Reebee. He was practicing his kicks.”

Rebecca turned the corner in full soccer gear, minus cleats.

“Us too. We must’ve run miles kicking that soccer ball around.” Rebecca sat down on my bed. I was surrounded. “My feet are so sore.”

“Just lay down and rest,” Lizzie said. “I don’t mind.”

Rebecca laid down and ground her knee-high blue socks into my pillow.

“Get the hell out of here!”

I whipped up, reaching for my pillow, but Lizzie shoved her foot in my ribs and launched me into the dresser, then crossed her legs.

“We just practiced all morning, let us rest.”

“Yeah,” Rebecca said, “let me breathe for a few seconds.”

Both of them gave huge exaggerated breaths while I rubbed my side and stood up.

I reached for my pillow again, and got a huge stomp to my ribs. I flew into the wall and collapsed.

“Still no balance?” Lizzie laughed. “His little ballsies are broken.”

Rebecca cracked up. “Did someone practice soccer on them?”

“Yeah, my mom.”

“Ouch!” Rebecca laughed as she ground my pillow some more. “Getting kicked by your own mom. Embarrass—”

“—ing!”

They both laughed.

“And my aunt.” Lizzie crossed her eyes. “And me too!”

My pillow smashed flat. “Since all the girls get to play soccer, when’s my chance?”

“We already did,” Lizzie said. “Practiced. All day. Park.”

“I’m not talking about soccer balls. I’m talking about these!” Rebecca kicked my pillow into my head and giggled. “Or that works too.”

It smelled absolutely awful. I ripped it off my head and launched it for Lizzie’s head.

She caught it, and laid it back under Rebecca’s feet.

“You know what, that’s not a bad idea.” She laid on my bed, grinding her feet into my pillow too. “I could open my business at your next practice.”

“Everyone would love getting massages.” Rebecca wiggled her foot in my direction. “I’ll pay you $10 to get one right now!”

“Twenty,” Lizzie said, “and we have a deal.”

“Deal!”

They both shook hands and giggled as Lizzie stood up. She reached down and rubbed my hair.

“Don’t move.”

I smacked her hand away, and she gripped my hair and dragged me to the bed.

She locked my arm behind my back and shoved my cheek into the pillow.

“Do you want to smell this all night?” She forced my head to turn. “Smell!”

I sniffed. I gagged and coughed. Smelled like stale throw up.

“Or do you want to give my best friend here a nice massage.”

“Heck,” Rebecca tweaked my nose with her toe, “I’ll throw in another $20 if he gives you one too.”

“Deal!” Lizzie twisted my arm. “Getting paid to get a massage? Now that’s the life!”

She let my arm go and jammed her foot in my ribs, forcing me into the corner.

Rebecca scooted up my bed, resting her feet on the edge.

“Will you teach me that move?”

“It’s easy.” Lizzie pressed her foot into my ribs.

Rebecca laughed. “No, I mean the other one. I so wish I could use that on my annoying brother.”

“Another $10 and it’s yours.”

“Deal!”

Lizzie yanked me up by my shirt. I tried using my escape techniques, but she just countered every one, then locked my arm behind my back.

“Wow,” Rebecca patted my cheek, “there’s no way I could learn that in a million years. I want my $10 back!”

“$10 to practice a kick?” Lizzie kicked my legs apart. “Since your brother isn’t here, you can use mine.”

“I always did want to kick him.” Rebecca looked down at my pants. “But I never got the chance. He’s so annoying.”

“This one too.”

Rebecca dug through her pockets, giggling as she handed Lizzie $50.

“You really should train everyone.” Rebecca rubbed my hair and pinched my nose. “You know how many teammates have annoying dweebs as brothers?”

Lizzie yanked off my green belt and wrapped it around my eyes, then pulled my arm up higher.

“And they would pay?” Lizzie lifted until I screamed in pain.

“Yeah, I think my mom would too.” Rebecca stepped on my foot. “Did you know what some jerk told her yesterday?”

“What?” Lizzie wrapped her arm around my neck and lowered my arm.

“He screamed ‘Nice boobs’.”

“Ew, what a creep.”

“I know.” Rebecca kicked my legs apart. “I so wish this was that jerk.”

Lizzie choked me. “Say it.”

“Say what?” I struggled.

“Tell her she has nice boobs!”

Rebecca did have huge ones. I couldn’t believe I had those rubbing all over my bed. Dream come true. Then I felt something soft against my chest.

“Aren’t they nice, mister?”

I stuttered. I opened my mouth, but no words came out.

Rebecca took my hand and gently placed it on her hip. She dragged it slowly up her stomach, and stopped.

“Hey, mister, does that feel good?”

Mothballs. My mouth felt like mothballs.

“What’s that in your pants, mister?”

She leaned forward and pressed her stomach against it, and placed my hand on her boob.

I squeezed, then felt my groin explode from her knee.

“Creep!”

“What did he do?” Lizzie forced my arm up as I tried to collapse.

“He just squeezed my boob!”

“Ew, teach that loser a lesson.”

Another knee. I grabbed my balls as my knees smashed the ground.

Lizzie yanked my arms and forced her leg into my back.

“Don’t you ever! Touch me! Again!”

Each time my groin exploded. Each kick was more powerful than Lizzie’s ever could be.

I was slapped, then let go. I collapsed onto the floor, groaning and holding my crotch.

“Wow, Lizzie, that was amazing!”

Lizzie reached down and yanked the headband off my eyes, then rolled me over with her foot.

“Ever want to step on your brother?”

“Of course!” Rebecca giggled.

“Well there’s mine.” Lizzie stepped right on my butt, then back, then cheek. She twisted around, pinning my cheek down with one foot. “Come on, free of charge!”

Rebecca giggled. “Okay, little brother. I always wanted you to be my carpet!”

She stepped on my legs, and slowly wobbled her way up. She stomped on my butt a few times.

“That’s for breaking my watch.” Stomp. “And that’s for ruining my birthday.” Stomp. “And that’s for calling me names.”

I groaned as she worked her way up.

Lizzie dragged her foot off my cheek and held her hands out.

Rebecca gave a few mini-stomps on my back. “Are you sure I can do that?”

“Sure, I just did it.” Lizzie laughed. “Just imagine you’re me.”

Rebecca prodded my cheek with her toe. “Lick Lizzie’s toe!”

I screamed and jerked around. Lizzie stomped on my ear. I saw lights.

“Lick her lovely soccer socks!” Rebecca poked my nose again and laughed, then pressed her toes against my mouth.

I kept my lips tight and tried to jerk around.

Lizzie ground harder. “If you don’t lick your sister, we’re going to practice on another mister.”

I struggled a little more, but couldn’t budge.

Rebecca wiggled her toes on my back. “I promise you’ll get to touch my boobs after this.”

“Ew!” Lizzie stomped. “I would never let him do that! If he did, his eggs would be gone!”

Rebecca laughed and almost lost her balance. Her heels dug into my back as she wiggled around.

“No, I meant me.” She bounced a little. “My actual boobs.”

“Ew, still sick.” Lizzie pushed Rebecca off of me.

Rebecca laughed as she landed on my bed. “But at least he’ll keep his eggs.”

“For now.” Lizzie kicked my ribs and rolled me over.

Rebecca stood on my chest and touched her boobs. “Want these? Then stick out that tongue!”

I stared up at her, looking up and down her body. I couldn’t believe those actually touched me, and they were real soft when I squeezed too.

My eyes were filled with blue as her foot filled my entire vision.

I closed my eyes, stuck out my tongue, and felt the wet, sweaty fabric drag in slow motion.

“Ew!” She stood on my chest, looking at the bottom of her sock. “He left a streak!”

“I think that’s your sweat.” Lizzie giggled.

Rebecca peeled off her socks and threw them on my bed. “Yuck, you can have that.”

“Oh, he’ll love it.” Lizzie smirked. “Come on, let’s go watch our favorite show!”

I was about to tell her mom didn’t want her watching that, but thought better of it. Maybe I could leave an anonymous note on mom’s pillow.

“Last one downstairs is a rotten egg!” Rebecca jumped off of me and ran into the hallway.

Lizzie peeled off her sock and threw it towards my face. I knocked it away.

She used my stomach as a step on her way to the door.

“Have fun practicing, karate dweeb.”

Chapter 15

I couldn’t believe Rebecca laid on this bed yesterday. I’ve had a crush on her ever since Lizzie brought her home all those years ago—and she put my hands on her, willingly.

I recreated the scene from yesterday, imagining her leg was in the blue sock. Except instead of having Lizzie’s disgusting foot pinning me down, I used Aunt Nikki’s gift. I sniffed, and groaned as my groin ached.

Was the pain worth it for a single squeeze? Yes, yes it was. Dream come true.

I gave both socks one last sniff, hid it in a secret spot, and headed for the steps.

Lizzie was in my seat. I wanted to smash her face into dust—instead, I opened the fridge. “No eggs today?”

“Did Reebee destroy them?”

They both giggled. “Did it feel good, mister?”

I closed the fridge and looked in the cabinets—energy bars. “Where’s mom?”

“Can’t survive without your mommy wommy?” Rebecca laughed. “So how was practice?”

“I didn’t practice yet.”

“Sure you didn’t.” Rebecca smirked. “Lizzie tells me what you do in there.”

“Perfect timing,” Lizzie said. “Joshy was just asking about you.”

Mom walked in and said hi to everyone, then kissed my forehead.

“No eggs.”

“And you’re not getting any. That’s no way to greet me first thing in the morning.” She headed out the back door, barefoot.

I stood at the sink and stared out the window. I couldn’t believe she went out there to get the mail with no shoes. She’s been hanging out too much with that annoying sister of mine.

“Want me to bring a bowl and place it by the back door?” Lizzie laughed.

“Are you going to get out of my seat?”

“Nope,” Lizzie said. “Blame Reebee.”

“Blame me for what?”

I grabbed an energy bar and leaned against the sink.

“For taking my seat,” Lizzie said. “You stole mine, so I stole Joshy Woshy’s!”

“You mean Joshy Massagy!” They both cracked up.

Mom came in the door, looking at the mail.

“Mom, you know what we need? A doormat.”

“Great idea.” Mom lifted her foot and looked at her dirty sole. “I could use one right now.”

“Me and Lizzie tested a great doormat yesterday.”

“Oh? You did?” Mom sat down at the table.

“Yeah,” Rebecca said as she squished her boobs together, “some jerk touched these.”

“So she…” Lizzie crossed her eyes.

“And then me and Lizzie walked all over him.”

“Serves him right.” Mom turned around and glared at me. “Don’t you ever treat a woman like that, Joshua.”

“Yeah,” Lizzie said, “if we ever caught you doing that, we might have to bring out the egg-breakers again.”

All three of them laughed while staring at me.

Lizzie got up to get a glass of water. She crossed her eyes. “You can have your seat back.”

“Thank you.” I sat down and saw mom and Rebecca grinding their feet inside the sleeping bag. “What’s that still doing in here?”

“We needed a foot-warmer,” mom said. “Are you volunteering?”

Mom and Lizzie chuckled.

“No,” I said. “Why don’t you just wear socks?”

Lizzie sat down and drank. “Speaking of socks…”

“He’ll be our,” Rebecca placed both feet on the table, “Number 1—”

“—massager and…” Lizzie did the same, wiggling her ‘Fan’ sock.

Both of them clapped and cheered. They must’ve been planning that all morning.

“We’re going to be starting the business today at Reebee’s soccer game!”

“Congrats, honey, I can’t wait.” Mom laughed. “What’s with the one knee-sock and one amazing sock?”

“Well, yesterday I accidentally stepped in chocolate.” Rebecca flexed her sole in my direction.

“And I didn’t want her to feel left out, so I put one of my knee-socks on too.”

Mom glared at me. “And how did that mess get on the floor in the first place?”

“I didn’t do anything.” I shrugged. “I was in my room all day.”

“He was practicing all day.” Rebecca smirked at me and wiggled her blue toes.

“Well if she says it, it must be true.” Mom sat back. “But you know what happens if I catch your food in the living room.”

“What happens?” Rebecca pulled her feet down.

“My mom will make him eat her socks!” Lizzie gagged, while Rebecca and mom laughed.

“Right after work too.” Mom glared at me again. “He almost ruined my favorite pair of socks already.”

“Wasn’t it these?” Lizzie wiggled her foot.

I coughed as I felt something between my legs.

“Speaking of socks,” Rebecca smirked at me, “a lot of the girls on the team could use new ones.”

“We could sell them our specialty socks,” Lizzie said. “Knee-high ones too.”

“Another great idea!” mom said.

“Can you help me get some supplies today?” Lizzie blew mom a kiss. “I love you!”

“If I place the order after breakfast, we might have it in time for the game.”

“And I have a few other business opportunities,” Lizzie said. “I’ll talk to you after breakfast though.”

“Secret plans. I like that.” Mom giggled.

“What do you think, Joshy?” Rebecca said.

“No way. I’m not going to that stu—” It pressed.

“Not even for me? I’ll make it worth your while.”

It rubbed. “I’m not going unless I get all the money.”

Lizzie scoffed, and pulled her feet off the table. “No way, it’s my business!”

“It has my name on—”

“Your name gets you 25%,” Rebecca said.

“But I’ll be doing all the—”

“Now it’s 10%.” Rebecca smirked.

“Wow, Rebecca,” mom said, “you’re a great negotiator.”

“I know.” Rebecca smirked.

I felt more rubbing.

“So is it a deal? I’ll even throw in a couple specials of my own.”

“I still want 50% fo—” It pressed hard. I coughed and tried closing my legs.

“You’ll get 15%, and that’s final.”

“Deal.”

I felt wiggling from side-to-side.

“Aren’t you going to shake on it?” mom asked.

“We already did.” Rebecca laughed.

I looked down to see a blue blur disappear.

“Great job, Rebecca,” mom said.

“Remind me to bring you to all my negotiations!” Lizzie hugged Rebecca. “Want to become business partners?”

“Yeah, 50/50.”

“Deal!”

* * *

On the drive there, Mom and Lizzie couldn’t stop talking about how much fun today was going to be. Lizzie crossed her eyes and asked me if I was excited to see Julia again. I didn’t answer.

We stepped out of the car, and mom instantly made me carry boxes of stuff to the bleachers—they didn’t carry anything, and went off their separate ways. There were tons of boxes. How much space does socks and a couple of signs take?

Lizzie ran over and hugged her stupid boyfriend, Tony.

“Here to see my first day as an entrepreneur, honey bunny?” Lizzie kissed him.

“Of course, my love dove.”

I thought I saw a tiny mustache growing below his enormous nose. Probably drew it on there with a pen.

“Hey Josh, did you hear Lizzie got my brother a sweet—”

I marched right past him. Now that’s one idiot I wouldn’t mind destroying in karate. His stupid lips would go flying right off, ripping that mustache with it. And he can’t even offer to carry some of this crap?

I placed a box on the bleachers, then took a shortcut around the back. Before I made it out, Rebecca shot around the corner.

“Hey Joshy Woshy.” Rebecca rubbed my hair. “Thanks for coming to my practice. I really appreciate it.”

“No problem.”

“No one can see us back here.” She leaned over and gave me a huge kiss. “Anything else you want to do?”

I stuttered. My mouth was dry.

“Did you like this morning?” She smirked. “Negotiations?”

I felt my face start burning.

“If you do a good job today, you might get some more of that. And these.”

She grabbed my hand and placed it on her boob.

“Go ahead, mister. I’ll allow it. No breaking eggs this time.”

I squeezed slightly.

“Ew!” She slapped me, then giggled. “What if someone saw us back here?”

I couldn’t believe my hands were on… I squeezed again.

She slapped my other cheek and yelled a little louder. “Ew!”

“W-What are you doing?” I swallowed.

“Making this more dangerous. Didn’t you like this morning?”

I nodded.

“Well I wanted to up the stakes even more.” She glanced around again with a mischievous smile. “Take off your pants.”

“What?”

She smirked. “You heard me the first time.”

I looked around. “But what if someone sees?”

“No one will see.” She started tugging on my pants.

I helped her pull them down.

She stepped back and stared down at the tent in my boxers. “Ew!”

“Quiet. Are you crazy?” I began pulling my pants back up.

“Stop. Don’t move.” She raised her incredible leg and rubbed the laces of her soccer cleat in my crotch.

I stared at her blue soccer socks. This was even better than my imagination this morning.

She rubbed my tent. “Ew!”

“Hey, what are you two—”

Rebecca launched her knee into my groin. “Perv!”

Julia ran over as I leaned against the wall, holding my balls. “What the heck did he do to you?”

“This perv just touched me!”

“Oh did he now?” Julia kicked me in the balls from behind.

I collapsed on the ground, and Julia shoved me over.

“What the hell are your pants doing off?” Julia stomped on my stomach. “Go ahead, do whatever you think is necessary. My lips are sealed.”

Julia pried my hands away and stepped on them, then ground her sneakers back and forth, crushing my fingers.

Rebecca walked between my legs and kicked them apart, then raised her cleats.

“Please Rebecca, you—”

My entire body exploded.

Julia ground my fingers into dust, then used my face and stomach as a step as she hugged Rebecca.

“Great job! Are you okay?” Julia asked. “Do you need me to tell anyone about this?”

“No, it’s okay, really.” Rebecca hugged her as she smirked at me. “I think this was punishment enough.”

“Wait until Lizzie hears about this.”

“You know Lizzie?” Rebecca stopped hugging.

“Yeah, we’re all cousins.”

“Oh…” Rebecca giggled. “Could you take two steps forward then?”

Julia looked down, smirked, then stomped directly on my balls. “Serves him right.”

“Lizzie told me this was a part of our deal.”

“You’re part of the egg-breakers now too?” Julia ground her foot in.

“Yeah,” Rebecca smirked at me, “something like that.”

Julia gave her a huge hug as she bounced. “Welcome aboard.”

Lots of whistling came from the field.

“And that’s my cue,” Rebecca said as she hopped off me. “We have to practice before the big game. I’ll see you around, dweeb.”

Julia ground her foot while Rebecca dashed around the corner. “Are you sure you don’t want to use him as a doormat before your…”

She looked down at me and shrugged.

“Guess I could use one. Too bad there’s no milk. I’ll have to settle for the next best thing.” Julia stomped on my chest. “Tongue!”

* * *

“What the hell happened to you?” Mom handed me another box.

“Fell.”

“Do I need to throw away all the eggs again?” Mom ripped the box out of my hands, then cut open another one and started looking through it. “Well, we can’t have you looking like filth on our first day. You look like a doormat.”

I looked out at the soccer field—so many girls practicing their drills. And the sidelines were filled with all their families, especially hot soccer moms.

“Here, put this on.” She handed me a ‘Joshy Massagy’ shirt. “Me and Lizzie had these special ordered today. Don’t they look great?”

The shirt had a poorly drawn cartoon face with a giant foot next to it.

“I can’t put this on!”

“Why not?” Mom glared at me. “All of us are going to be wearing shirts.”

“It looks like a giant’s going to step on my head.”

“I think it would be a picture of a giant foot-pillow then.” Mom giggled as she patted my cheek. “Come on, we’re all wearing them. Support your sister.”

I grumbled as I got into the shirt. I looked ridiculous.

“You look great!” Mom kissed my forehead.

I wiped it away as we walked towards the bleachers.

Mom traveled onto the other side to sit with Julia and mustache-face, and I was stuck on this side with Lizzie. I guess it worked out for the best—I couldn’t be near Julia after what happened behind the bleachers. I could still taste it in my mouth.

I looked down and plucked at my shirt. “So what’s the plan?”

“You just sit there like a doormat.” Lizzie smirked. “Should be easy for you.”

“I mean what’s going to be happening?”

“You know how mom is the loudest person anywhere?”

I nodded.

“Well mom and Julia yell and cheer and attract the crowd.” Lizzie opened a box and moved things around. “And then we just sit here and rake in the cash.”

She pulled out a huge sign with flashing lights. I was so embarrassed, I just stared out into the soccer field. When I saw Rebecca, I clapped and cheered—she looked incredible.

Lizzie rolled out a doormat in front of me.

“What the heck is that for?”

“For people to wipe their dirty cleats on. Duh.” Lizzie smirked. “Unless you want to do it.”

I grunted.

“Plus it’ll attract everyone right in front of us.” Lizzie sat next to me and patted my shoulder. “So they’ll get to see the great Joshy Massagy in action.”

I continued staring at Rebecca, I couldn’t take my eyes off of her.

“Our first customer!” Lizzie slapped my back.

I looked at a soccer girl standing on the doormat, wiping her cleats.

“What’s ‘Red-Faced Fortunes’?”

I jerked my head and stared at the sign.

“You ask any question you want, give him a little slap.” Lizzie chuckled. “If it’s red, it’s true.”

Before Lizzie could even finish talking, she had a dollar.

“Will my boyfriend marry me?” Slap.

Lizzie grabbed another dollar before I could even get my bearings straight.

“Will he propose on my birthday?” Slap.

She giggled and ran onto the field as I rubbed my cheek.

“What the hell is this?”

“It’s called business.” Lizzie snickered. “Now do you want to do this or the other thing?”

“I don’t want to get slapped!”

“So you want to massage?”

I grumbled under my breath. “They can ask questions, but no slapping.”

One of the moms walked over and wiped her feet on the doormat and handed Lizzie a dollar. “Did I just see that girl slap him? What did he say to her?”

Lizzie smirked at me. “Oh, you just ask him a question, and if his face turns red, it’s true.”

“Does my husband cheat on me with his secretary?”

I looked over at Lizzie, and felt a slap.

“Wow. That felt great! I knew it was true.”

“Thanks!” Lizzie said as she pocketed the money.

A woman sitting next to us threw a few dollars.

“I always wanted to do that to my husband.”

She slapped me multiple times.

“What the hell, lady!” I stood up when Lizzie put her hand on my shoulder.

“I’m sorry, miss. You were supposed to ask a question.”

“Was it worth it?” She smirked as she sat back down.

My face burned as I rubbed my cheek.

Lizzie rubbed my back. “Wow, who knew the crowd at a soccer game had so many marital issues.”

“No more slapping!”

“You heard me tell them.”

Another mom from the stands wiped her feet on the doormat. “Wow, this is a great idea.”

“Thanks!” Lizzie said. “Would you like to get your fort—”

“One dollar to step on his head? That’s a steal!”

Lizzie grabbed the dollar. “Excuse me?”

“His shirt,” the lady said. “Why else would you have that and a doormat laying there?”

Lizzie laughed. “Actually, it’s massages.”

“I love massages. How much?”

“Well since you gave me a dollar already, it’s $19.”

The woman threw a twenty at Lizzie and sat down. “Great idea, these practices are always boring.”

“I know.” Lizzie pocketed the money and patted my shoulder. “My brother here is practicing foot massages.”

“Well he’s not doing a very good job.” The woman nudged my leg with her foot. “He didn’t even take my shoes off yet.”

“Sorry,” Lizzie said. “He’s a little dumb. He just started.”

I reached down and pulled this lady’s shoes off. Her feet were soaked in sweat. Disgusting. But I started my massage anyway.

Lizzie handed me a towel. “So which one is yours?”

“Number 11, she’s great.” The woman wiggled her toes. “Harder.”

I rubbed harder.

“Good boy.” She rested her other foot on my knee. “To be honest, these things are a little boring. Nothing happens, so when I saw you guys setting something up, I knew I had to check it out.”

“Well glad you stopped by. Joshy Woshy here loves to massagy!”

Both of them giggled as I just stared at Rebecca running across the field.

The woman pressed her foot into my knee. “So, is your sister new on the team?”

“Sister?” Lizzie asked. “Oh, no. We’re just here to support my friend Rebecca.”

“She’s great. Did you know her boyfriend is a huge baseball star?”

I stopped massaging. Why the hell did she—this morning—the bleachers.

A foot pressed hard against my chest. “Excuse me. Hello! Massage?”

I fell down into the next bleacher as her foot was pressing into the giant’s. She shifted it onto the cartoon face and giggled.

“Okay, your time is up,” Lizzie said as she gave the woman a hug. “Thank you for the chat.”

“At least I got to step on a head. Well worth the money.”

When the woman left, I pulled Lizzie to the side of the bleachers.

“Why the hell didn’t you tell me Rebecca had a boyfriend?”

“What does it matter?” Lizzie smacked my hand away. “Do you think you two had something?” She couldn’t stop laughing. “Never in a million years!”

“She—”

“Let you touch her boob. I know, I was there.”

“No, she—”

“Broke your eggs. I know.”

I shook her. “Listen to me! Behind the bleachers she—”

“Hey Jules!” Lizzie pushed me out of the way and gave Julia a hug. “How’s the other side going?”

“It’s okay. Get any of our customers?” Julia gave me a smirk. “Did anyone step on his head yet?”

“So that’s why the lady asked that.” Lizzie laughed, then looked at my shirt. “Now that you mention it, his shirt does look a lot like that!”

Julia giggled. “Did you know, behind the bleachers I saw—”

I ran out of there before Julia embarrassed me. I had to get some breathing room. I hid behind the bleachers, looking at the spot where Rebecca kissed me, then sat against the wall with my head in my hands, wanting to go home.

* * *

Whistling from the field—I jerked awake and thought a drill sergeant was behind me.

I walked out from behind the bleachers to see what was going on.

Lizzie and mom and Julia were standing in the middle of the field with a huge ‘Egg-Breakers’ sign—it had a giant foot kicking a soccer ball, plus a stickman with his eyes crossed and legs spread… with little egg stickers between them.

All three of them even wore matching shirts.

The soccer coach blew the whistle again. “Ladies and gentlemen, a special treat today. These fine ladies here have decided to raise money for women’s self-defense. We’re going to have a competition today!”

The crowd clapped as I walked over to the fence.

Mom pulled out a microphone and pumped up the crowd. A dream come true for her. “I’d like to thank each. And. Every. One. Of. You. For coming out today.”

Lots of cheers and claps.

Lizzie grabbed the microphone. “The rules are simple. We’ll toss an egg. If you catch it on your foot without breaking it, you win a free self-defense course!”

Mom took the microphone back. “Just purchase a $5 ticket for a chance to catch eggs. If you want to donate, we’re also selling shirts, socks, and stickers over there!” She pointed to the huge sign on the other side of the bleachers. “My son Joshy Woshy is going to be there! Say hi!”

I felt myself melting.

“He’s going to be near the doormat!” Mom kept emphatically waving towards me. “So while you’re wiping your feet clean, be sure to stop by!”

Mom and Lizzie stayed on the field, opening a couple of those giant boxes I carried. Eggs. Millions and millions of eggs.

Julia ran off the field and came towards me. “Isn’t this great? And it wouldn’t have ever happened if you just had eyes in the back of your head.”

I wanted to melt. Julia ran off to the table she had set up.

“Wow, you’re such a good son.” One of the hot moms came over to me and patted my back. “Are you the one going to be teaching the self-defense?”

“I don’t know.”

“I always wanted to kick balls. I guess now’s my lucky chance!”

I quickly walked over to the table and sat down. Julia and mustache-face got me up to speed on the prices, and soon we had an immense line forming.

There was all types of clothing: Some had the new Egg-Breakers logo on it, ‘I kicked eggs’, ‘I kick ⚽ balls’, we even had yoga pants that looked like stickman legs.

As I handed different customers their items, they just had to crack a few jokes about balls.

A few girls even slapped the stickers between their legs. They pretended to get hit and crossed their eyes as they held their crotch—I swear they were all staring right at me as they laughed.

“Hey.” Rebecca sat on the table. “Did you like my plan?”

I didn’t know what to say. I nodded.

“I tried to win the self-defense competition, but I lost.” She raised her cleats in my direction, covered in eggs. “Looks yummy, isn’t this your favorite food?”

“I like them scrambled.”

“Like behind the bleachers?” Rebecca giggled. “This couldn’t have been possible without you.” She lowered her boobs down towards me. “Remember your room, mister?”

She winked as she grabbed my hand. I pulled it away.

“What’s your problem?”

“You have a boyfriend?”

“Where’d you hear that?”

“I know everything!”

Rebecca kicked my leg. “Where did you hear it? Did one of my teammates tell you?”

“Some lady.”

“What lady?” She whipped her head back and forth.

“I don’t know, just some lady I was massaging. She said some huge baseball—”

Rebecca laughed. “Oh, that loser. He’s noth—”

Lizzie spun Rebecca around, giving her a huge hug. “This was incredible!”

“I know, we’re amazing!”

They continued babbling on about something as they walked over to the fence, while I just stared at the doormat. The crowd had almost all died down, and it was mostly soccer girls left.

“Hey, that’s the guy that tells fortunes.” An arm reached around me from behind. She slapped a few dollars on the table and gave me a few slaps.

“Hey,” another girl said, “why are you slapping that guy? Is he your slave?”

“No, you just ask him a question and his cheeks tell you if it’s true or not.”

She came into my view and yanked me up by my shirt. “Are you a slave?”

Slap!

“Are you a loser?”

Slap!

She cackled as she slapped down $20 on the table.

“Excuse me,” I said, “you can’t do that.”

“I do what I want.”

Julia tapped this girl on the shoulder. “Is there a problem here?”

“No problem. Right?” She shook me and threw $50 at Julia. Julia shrugged and walked away as she stuck it in her pocket.

“I have a few slaves of my own.” She glared into my eyes. “I didn’t know there was one here too.”

“Please,” I said, trying to break her grip, “I don’t want any trouble.”

“What’s this stupid shirt supposed to be?” She punched the face. “Me stomping on a slave’s face?”

“It’s a massage shirt.” I tried breaking her grip, but it was impossible. “Joshy Massagy. I was giving some massages over there.”

She snapped her fingers at the fortune-teller girl. “Grab that doormat. Get it behind the bleachers.”

She pinched my cheeks as she forced me back.

Every time I used a new technique, she yanked me off balance.

“Stop struggling and I won’t have to hurt you. I eat slaves like you for lunch.” She snapped her fingers. “You see that doormat, slave? Get on it.”

She didn’t even wait for my answer before she launched her knee into my groin and threw me down.

She started stomping all over my stomach in her cleats while the other girl timidly watched.

I tried screaming for help, but the pain was unbearable. My lungs wouldn’t work.

“Someone’s coming!” fortune-teller girl said.

Lizzie and Rebecca turned the corner. The instant they saw me, they rushed over.

“Heather!” Rebecca ran over and shoved the girl off. “What the hell are you doing?”

“Using a slave.” Heather wiped herself off. “I needed one after the game.”

“This one’s not for you to use,” Rebecca said. “Don’t you have your own?”

“Yeah,” Heather looked down at me, “but I always like fresh meat.”

“Get the hell out of here!”

Rebecca shoved Heather and the fortune-teller away, disappearing around the corner as Lizzie knelt down next to me and checked my stomach.

“Are you okay?”

“Why?” I looked down and saw blood soaking through my shredded shirt.

“Wait right here.” Lizzie ran around the corner.

I stared down at my stomach. So this is what happens when sensei taught us about knife fights… I had hundreds of cuts and gashes.

She whipped around the corner, tore one shirt into strips, and helped take off my bloody one. She wiped some of the blood away and wrapped the strips around my stomach, then gave me the other shirt to wear.

“What a crazy bitch,” Lizzie said as she washed my hands with a water bottle.

“Mom’s going to kill us. Please don’t let her know this happened.”

“I should’ve never taken my eyes off you.”

I winced as I sat up. “So does that mean you’re going to stop hurting me now?”

“I love you, Josh.”

I grimaced as she helped me up. “I love you too.”

She peeked around the corner, motioning that the coast was clear, then helped me sit back down at the table. Perfect timing too, mom just finished talking with the coach and walked over.

“Wow, we did great!” Mom gave Lizzie a huge hug and kiss, then looked at me. “And you did great too, my little salesman.”

I nodded, trying to look as calm as possible.

“So how about we get this all packed up, and go get some chicken to celebrate!”

Lizzie rubbed my shoulder. “I’ll go get Tony and Jules. They can help carry the boxes while Josh watches the stuff.”

As soon as Lizzie ran away, Heather came to the table and slapped down $200.

“Wow!” mom said. “Big spender! What would you like?”

“One of everything.” Heather smirked at me. “Is that doormat for sale?”

“You want it, you can take it!” Mom laughed. “It’s no skin off my back. One less thing to carry.”

“I have slaves to do that for me.” She snapped her fingers and fortune-teller girl grabbed one set of each clothing. “There’s another $100 in it for you if he can carry it to my car.”

Mom laughed. “Looks like you have that taken care of already. And he’s watching the table for us.”

Heather shrugged and threw the $100 down on the table as she grabbed a few more things. “Maybe I’ll see ya around in that self-defense class. I’ve always wanted to practice kicking slaves in the eggs.”

After she walked away, mom touched my shoulder. “Strange girl.”

If only she knew…

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