America's Funniest Groin Hits

So my wife sent in a video to this new television program where the funniest clip could win some money and I had no idea what it was. She just told me that her video was accepted and we were invited to come be a part of the live audience. I agreed to go because I thought it be pretty cool to be on TV. Boy I was in for a surprise when I got there and found out what it was.
We got to the studio and took our seats in the front row just below the stage. I was looking around at the set and thought it looked somewhat familiar. I turned to my wife Gina and asked her, "Is this America's Funniest Home Videos?"
"Close," she said, "This is the spinoff show."
"Spinoff? Of AFV?" I was surprised.
"Yeah this is America's Funniest Groin Hits!"
"WHAT?" I began to ask her what this was all about, but before I could finish my sentence the hostess walked out to begin the show. You could hear her black high heels clacking against the metal stage as she made her way to the front. I followed up her nylon covered legs to see her classy yet sexy black dress. She had beautiful brown hair and a large grin on her face. I didn't recognize her from anything.
"Welcome to America's Funniest Groin Hits!" she exclaimed with a slight giggle in her tone, "We're like AFV except we only show the videos that you actually want to see! We also do this show more fair; every video is eligible to win the 10, 000 dollars. Everyone in the live audience has a device that allows you to vote for each video that makes you laugh. The video with the most votes at the end wins the contest."
I actually enjoyed that this was being done more fair in that regard. I found my device attached to the arm of my seat. It had 3 settings to choose from. Not funny, funny or very funny. I thought to myself I guess I'll be using the not funny button for every video up here. Gina was very excited about the whole experience though. She turned her blue eyes my way and said, "I can't wait for you to see my video! You better vote for it!"
The hostess then continued on, "So why don't we get started with our first few nutcrackers, let's go!"
The first video looked like a college baseball game and showed a batter warming up right outside the dugout. He was practicing his swinging when a spectator carrying nachos walked by only for the tip of the bat to swing directly into his nuts causing him to drop his cheesy concession and clutch his crotch as he doubled over. You could hear the audience of the game and all the other ball players burst out into laughter. The hostess then made the joke, "Two balls, one strike!" and Gina and the audience in the studio all echoed out with laughter. I think everyone was laughing except for me. I was pretty offended. I always hated when they showed these videos on the regular show. Gina noticed that I clicked on not funny and turned and whispered to me, "Why didn't you vote funny? That was great!"
I guess she didn't realize that I didn't enjoy nut shot videos as much as she did. But then the next video came up. It was two girls and two boys playing Twister. It started with one of the girls falling over and losing. She was very unhappy about it as one of the boys who had his legs spread against the board to each far side was bragging about how he was gonna win. The girl then came up from behind him and kicked him directly in the balls forcing him to scrunch up sliding the mat into a ball in the process. He laid on the ground turning red as the friends all laughed together and I guess it was their mom or someone recording who said, "Guess you lose too" and the hostess commented "He may have literally lost two!" The studio erupted in laughter again. Gina turned to me again with the look on her face that asked why aren't you laughing at this? I saw her click on very funny relentlessly.
I just never understood why so many people found this phenomenon so amusing and I couldn't believe that they had dedicated an entire television program to it. The studio announced they was gonna show one more clip and cut for commercial. I also had just found out that this was the first episode of this program and they were trying to make sure all the machines worked, so that's why they had only shown three clips to begin with. As I waited for the third video to show up on the screen, I still had the last one in my mind. I thought about how that was clearly an intentional kick. AFV tended to only show accidental ones, or if they were intentional they were very young kids that wouldn't know any better. Anyways, the third clip then came on the screen.
It was a skateboarder getting ready to grind a rail and I knew exactly where this was going. Turned out he actually successfully grinded the entire rail and stuck the landing only for an off screen football to nail him right in the crotch. The camera panned out to show he landed between two guys playing catch. He fell off the skateboard and it went flying up in the air as the two guys game running up to him while pointing and laughing and asking the camera man if he got it. The hostess just shouted "GOOOOOOAALLLL!" and burst out laughing herself. We then were ready to take the 5 min break to make sure everything was working right.
"What's wrong with you?" Gina asked, "Don't you think this is hilarious?"
"Not really, I didn't know you were so into it," I responded.
"Are you kidding," she said, "I used to do this to guys all the time in school. It's so funny!"
I wondered how I married into this not knowing this fact. But I did love her. So I thought maybe I should try to enjoy this for her. So I asked her why it was funny. Like I literally needed it explained to me and then maybe I could also find it humorous.
"Well," she began, "Look at the look on their faces right when they get hit. It's always priceless. That look of surprise and agony mixed. The "ohhhh" or "oommfff" sound is always great too. Then if they double over or drop that's a bonus."
"Well it isn't funny for the guy it happens to," I suggested.
"Well yea, but it's funny for everyone else!" She exclaimed, "That's part of what makes it great! We all get to laugh at one person getting humiliated." I sat there thinking about it. I thought okay I guess I could see why she find its funny. Maybe I can try to see it her way and learn to laugh at it.
"Okay I see where you're coming from. I'll do my best to find it funny now." She smiled and held my hand as she was very pleased with my attempt to do something she enjoyed. The hostess came back out to reveal everything was working properly and they were now gonna show a compilation of several pranks for us to enjoy. I told myself that I was gonna do my best to enjoy this. Even if I didn't really find it funny, I had planned to laugh out loud to please my wife.
The first one was a family in the kitchen with a girl dressed as a ballerina going up to her brother and asking him if he knew what her favorite play was. When he asked what it was, she kicked him in the nuts and shouted "The Nutcracker!" You could hear the whole family laughing as the boy dropped to his knees faintly exclaiming, "Oh my God!" I just kind of smiled and pretended to laugh a little. Gina was too hysterical to see me anyways. The next video was a group of guys practicing martial arts or boxing. One was holding up kick pads for another to punch. Another guy was helping the guy holding the pads get them to the right level. One asked if he was ready and before he responded, the one punching just kicked him in the nuts. The pads went flying off his arms as he reached down to clutch is crotch. His face was kind of funny and it actually cracked me up a little.
"See now you're gettin' it, " Gina whispered to me. I nodded in agreement to please her. I clicked on funny on my device because that was the first one to actually make me laugh somewhat. They showed a few more videos in that montage and I started to giggle more at each one of them. After it finished the hostess stepped back up and asked, "Is everyone having a great time watching guys get their balls bashed? I know I am." The audience all cheered.
"This is my video!" Gina told me as the next short showed up on screen. It was outside our downtown area where an ice cream vendor was working on the street. A woman was getting an ice cream cone or something when a bird flew by out of nowhere. It caused the woman to yank her arm holding the ice cream back and swing it directly in the the crotch of the man standing behind her in line. He was reaching his arms out like he was going to stop it, but was unsuccessful as it happened. He got wobbly knees and squatted down in agony as the woman turned and just started laughing and pointing at him. "Did you want crushed nuts on that?" the hostess commentated. I couldn't help it, but I finally got it. I roared with laughter. I pointed at the screen and laughed. Gina looked so happy with me. I voted very funny, not just because it was her video, but because it actually was pretty funny. That guy was just trying to purchase a cold treat and got nailed in the nuts. Nobody there felt sorry for him. They all just pointed and laughed at him.
Well the night continued and I laughed at the rest of the videos, because someone getting hit in the nuts is funny and it probably always will be. It came to the end of the show where the hostess would announce the winner and boy was I pleasantly surprised that my wife's video won! The hostess called her and I up to the stage to celebrate and accept our check. They played the video again. Then the hostess asked my wife about the video, "So who are these people?"
"I don't know, " Gina laughed, "I was just recording a video while waiting in line and it happened!"
"Some unfortunate guy getting hit in the nuts made you a very fortunate woman," the hostess said as she handed her the check, "Congratulations! Is there anything you'd like to say or do?" Gina stood there for a second thinking and said, "I don't know, maybe just this..."
The next thing I knew was her back fist had suddenly found it's way to make impact with my testicles. I lost my breath and could feel my face turning red. My eyes all watered it up as I stared off into the audience. All I heard was everyone's laughter as I dropped to the ground in agony. But you know what I wasn't even mad. I just knew that I loved my wife.