A First Date Gone...Right?

[Joe S]

Vapors of steam rose like a wall of mist from the smooth, dark surface of the no nonsense black coffee sitting on the table. Three delicate fingers, nails done perfectly in a French manicure, wrapped around the small handle of the plain porcelain mug as Tiffany lifted it to her lips, careful to blow gently so that she did not scald her senistive, soft, rose-colored lips. The earthy bitterness of the black liquid had a bite to it, but Tiffany relished the long finish with its lingering notes of fruit and dark chocolate. She watched a younger woman dump a heap of sugar and a long stream of creamer into her own mug and couldn’t help shaking her head in dismay. She shouldn’t judge, she knew, but why ruin perfection? Sure, the bitterness could be hard to take (for some), but all that sugar and cream destroyed the natural flavors that eventually settled richly on the palate. Well, she was young once, too, and it had taken her a long time to learn that sometimes you needed a little bitter to appreciate the sweet. Could you ever truly appreciate the sweet without the bitter?  She set down her mug and gazed absently out the window of the corner coffee shop as the people outside, just faceless blurry bodies to her aimless eyes, passed by.

What are you doing, girl? She asked herself. Getting back in circulation! The response was immediate and firm and it sent a shot of confidence directly into her soul. She chuckled silently at her brief moment of self-doubt. Sure, it had been a long time since she attempted a relationship since getting burned at the end of her twenties, and she’d been doing just fine without a man in her life. Work was fulfilling and she had close girlfriends, so what was the point? But those girlfriends were all married or in long-term relationships while she was still out running like the young girl she no longer was. Nights seemed to be growing longer, colder and wouldn’t it be nice to share her successes – not to mention her stresses – with someone intimate?

Tiffany’s gaze shifted from world beyond the windows of the coffee shop and focused on her reflection in the glass. Though it wasn’t a mirror by any stretch, the crystal pane still reflected the truth: Tiffany could still pass for a twenty-year old. Her skin was smooth and there were no crow’s feet creeping around her eyes. Her high cheeks might not be as defined as they once were, but the extra padding actually gave her a softer, warmer appearance, which made her seem more cute than beautiful. Her gray eyes were still brilliant and sharp and she hadn’t succumbed to the short hair that many of her friends now sported. She inclined her head and watched in the reflection as her long, ash blonde hair streamed past the edge of the small table and then she quickly swept back so that it curled around her neck and draped over her chest.

She sighed quietly. Her chest. If there was anything Tiffany was self-conscious about, it was her chest – or the lack thereof. She’d tried many things over the years to improve the little she was endowed with, and though the idea of an augmentation was appealing, she could never bring herself to go that far. But padded bras and silicone inserts couldn’t hide the simple truth: she was flat. Well, that wasn’t entirely true, or fair. There was tissue there and she could create cleavage if she squeezed hard enough but it wasn’t what she’d hoped for from her gene pool. And yet, she did have amazing nipples. She looked down and marveled. As erect as a saluting soldier, there they were poking through the fabric of her blouse, stretching it taught. Even if she was wearing a bra, they would’ve cut right through. Even doubling up bras hadn’t helped her much, a tactic she’d tried often in high school when she was embarrassed about their constant state of apparent arousal. Over the years, though, she’d come to appreciate them since they took the focus off her tiny breasts – especially with the way she now brazenly displayed them.

But, she thought, slowly crossing her legs, at least I have you. No one could deny that Tiffany had a sexy set of legs – a genetic gift to make up for her lack of tits. She rarely went to the gym and didn’t eat particularly healthy, but her legs remained firm and toned, muscular without losing feminity. And they were long. Though she wasn’t tall at five feet six inches, her legs still seemed to go on forever which was especially true when she wore short skirts like the one she had on now. Add in some high heels and the hip-swinging stride she’d developed, Tiffany knew they were her best asset. Although her pert, round ass wasn’t far behind and she knew how to use that, too, she reflected how unfortunate it was that she hadn’t had a need to for quite some time.

The soft chime of the shop door opening caused Tiffany to glance up. In the doorway stood a tallish man in a dress shirt and slacks, his figure surrounded by the brightness of the daylight which made him appear to be glowing. Even with his face shadowed, Tiffany knew it was Derek and she was now glad she hadn’t forgotton how to use her assets. She stood and smoothed her skirt before walking toward him, giving him her sexiest strut. She could see his eyes struggle to adjust to the dim light of the coffee shop but they stopped roving about the room as he noticed her walking his way.

“Tiffany?” His voice was strong in spite of his question.

“Hi Derek,” Tiffany said, offering her hand, which he shook firmly but without crushing her delicate fingers. Restrained power never failed to rouse her and she smiled warmly.

“Wow,” he said, looking genuinely amazed. “You look terrific!”

Tiffany turned her head away and put a hand to her mouth. “Aw, you flatter me.” She waved her hand indicating for him to follow her to the small table.

“Let me grab some coffee first. I’ll be right over,” he said, running a hand through his thick, black hair.

His easy smile and friendly way with the barista didn’t escape Tiffany’s attention as she watched him order his beverage. But it was his broad shoulders and straight posture that really sparked her interest. She could tell he was no stranger to the gym and the way he carried himself was confident, but not arrogant. Though they’d been conversing a while online, the few pics he’d shared of himself did not do him justice. As he made his way toward her, Tiffany quickly shifted her gaze, looking out the window as she sipped from her mug, hoping he didn’t see her staring at him.

“So,” Derek said, setting his mug down while looking at hers. “I see you like your coffee like I do. No frills.”

A hint of a grin played on Tiffany’s rose lips at his observation. “People think coffee is just too bitter and they never give it a chance. They’re missing out on so many subtle flavors. Why spoil the natural goodness with artificial flavors and sweetener?”

Derek nodded his head, taking in the intesity of her eyes as she spoke. “I agree,” he said. But to himself he wondered whether she was thinking of something else. Tiffany’s face, from what he tell, was free from makeup – at least the heavy kind he was used to seeing and she had the faintest hint of eye shadow and liner to accent her naturally full lashes. Her outfit was simple solid colors, elegant but unadorned, except by the nipples poking through her shirt. He swallowed down a sip of steaming coffee, oblivious to the scalding of his throat, finding himself surprised that she wasn’t wearing a bra – not that he was complaining.

Tiffany laughed lightly. “Looks like it’s one more thing we have in common,” she said, thinking about their online conversations and how they’d discovered so many similar interests. She’d worried that perhaps he’d been overly accommodating, doing anything he could to make a connection, but now, seeing him drink his coffee black without knowing that’s how she liked hers, she felt more at peace with him. “How’s work going today? I’m glad you were able to get away for a little bit.”

“It’s actually been pretty slow today,” he confessed. “Depending on how things go here, maybe I’ll just take the rest of the day off.”

It was hard to tell if Derek was joking or not, Tiffany discovered. His sky blue eyes were locked on hers, a strong gaze but not intimidating in its intensity, and yet, there seemed to be something playful behind them. She decided to play it cool. “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves,” she joked, winking quickly to make it clear. When he threw his hands in there as if to say “you got me,” Tiffany laughed.

“Alright then,” Derek said, returning her easy laugh. “So what about you? How’s work going?”

“Unlike you, work has picked up a lot for me,” she admitted. “Now that this pandemic is on the back end, people are ready to do stuff, which, for event planners, is a good thing. But it also means the hours are getting longer.”

Derek put his hands up in protest. “Hey – I only said today was slow!”

Tiffany’s eyes rolled at his protest but they were smiling just the same. “Whatever,” she said, not giving in to his protests. “Anyway, I’m working on this gala at Music Hall which is pretty cool.”

“I’ll bet it is,” Derek agreed, “What a great place to host an event.”

“Oh?” Tiffany asked, not hiding her curiosity. “So you’ve been to Music Hall?” Based on their online chats, Derek was an admitted rock ‘n roll fan – maybe a little country, too – and the thought of him surrounded by an older generation taking in a symphony orchestra surprised her.

“Several times,” he said. “In fact, I was just there a few months ago to see my buddy play.”

“You have a friend that plays in the orchestra?” If her voice didn’t betray her shock, then her wide eyes most certainly did.

“Surprise,” Derek said with a laugh. “I’m just full of all kinds of mysteries.”

And with that, they were off, the conversation rolling as easily as a train going downhill. By the time Derek thought to look at his watch, they’d already been sitting for nearly an hour.

“Do you have to get going?” Tiffany asked when she noticed Derek glance at his watch.

“Not at all,” he said. And then just sat gazing at her.

Tiffany glanced around the room which had filled up considerably since they’d sat down and then locked onto Derek’s eyes. They sat for a while in silence, Derek chiding himself for upsetting the conversation. He opened his mouth but then closed it again when he couldn’t think of how to ask what was on his mind.

Sensing his discomfort, the slightly pained look in his eye giving him away, Tiffany probed. “What is it? You can tell me.”

Derek looked down as he played with the handle of his long-emptied mug. “Well, I don’t know. Maybe it’s none of my business,” he began.

Curious, Tiffany urged him to go on with her eyes.

“It’s just…well…I guess I’m just surprised that you’re single,” he stammered, looking suddenly bashful.

Tiffany sat back and gazed out the window, saying nothing and letting Derek twist in the wind. She sighed.

“Oh, I’m so sorry,” Derek said, his tone clearly conciliatory. “I didn’t mean to touch on a sore spot.”

When she looked back at him, Tiffany’s eyes were light, but serious. “No, no. It’s okay. You’re fine. I guess I just wasn’t expecting that. I suppose it’s actually a compliment.” She offered him a weak smile. “The truth is, I kinda quit men after my last relationship and that was some time ago.”

“Hey,” Derek said, putting his hand briefly on her arm. “You don’t have to get into it. I shouldn’t have said anything.”

When she saw the honesty in his eyes, Tiffany inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly. Already she felt comfortable and safe talking to Derek and none of the alarm bells that rang in her head with the few men she’d dated casually since her last serious relationship were going off. And yet, there was something else that worried her. She didn’t mind telling him about her past, but what if it drove him away. She couldn’t lie to herself. She wanted to see him again. Weighing the pros and cons in the awkward silence, Tiffany finally decided to take the plunge.

“Maybe I shouldn’t say anything, but whatever. You should know,” she began, searching Derek’s eyes. The warmth she saw in them was enough to keep her going. “It was about nine or ten years ago. I was young and swept off my feet by this guy. He was a nerd, but a charming nerd – not the pocket protector-wearing, big-eared, social awkward kind. He was cute in his own way.” She looked at Derek and chuckled. “One hundered and eighty degrees different from you.” Derek simply shrugged his shoulders in case that wasn’t a compliment. “Anyway, he was always kind and treated me like a princess. He was in the technology business – I’m not entirely sure to this day what he did – but he made good money and he was generous with it. We’d been together for about a year and a half when everything fell apart.”

“I’m so sorry,” Derek offered.

“Yeah, me too,” Tiffany confessed. “I might have married him.” She sighed again and then her nose crinkled up and her brow furrowed. “But then one day he left his computer on and I needed to look up a recipe. I couldn’t find my phone and didn’t feel like waiting for my old laptop to fire up, so I used his. I opened up a browser and started to type when autofill populated something that caught my attention. It was something to do with big boobs. I couldn’t stop myself, so I clicked on it and was taken to a site featuring all these girls with impossibly big breasts. I mean like just one boob was as big as my head.” She glanced at Derek and saw his eyes comically wide and laughed. “I’m not kidding. I can’t even imagine what it would be like to carry all that weight. Obviously,” she added, looking down in a comedical sad way at her own small chest.

“It turned out that he had all kinds of videos on his computer showing all these big-breasted women. Needless to say, I was dumbfounded and shattered. My self-confidence really took a hit that day. If he liked big boobs so much, what was he doing with me? I could never satisfy those desires. Sure, physical intimacy isn’t everything, but it’s important, and there’s no way I could provide what he clearly craved. I didn’t think it would take long before he found someone who could.”

“I wasn’t sure what to do, and my head was completely spinning. But when he got home, my natural instincts just took over and I immediately started questioning him. At first he denied everything and then he just looked ashamed for a bit. I don’t know what happened but suddenly he got red in the face and slammed his fist into the wall. Looking back, I think his anger was just a defense mechanism, but I’d never seen him that way before. Not gonna lie, I was a little scared.”

Derek raised his eyebrows and nodded slightly, but he said nothing.

“But I ignored my fear, steeled myself and worked up my nerve. ‘Is this what you want? Just a big set of tits?’ I think my candor took the wind out of his sails because his color drained and his fists unclenched as he stared at me blankly. But then an evil little spark lit in his eyes and his lip curled up in a snarl. ‘Yeah, that’s all I want’ he said smugly. ‘And I’ve been saving up to get you a pair but now I guess I have money for something else. You can just keep your tiny tits.’ He sounded so calllus and hard. I knew it was over.”

Derek’s mouth gaped, his eyes full of sympathy.

Color rose on Tiffany’s cheeks until they matched her rose lips. “You want to know the worst of it? It wasn’t just the blow to my self-confidence or the petty sniping about my small chest, it was the fact that I realized right then that I was not a person to him. I was just a possession. The idea that I would just go along with his plans for a boob job without even talking about it? It pissed me off, I can tell you that. Tears were swimming in my eyes. I felt everything: hurt, betrayal, anger, sadness. It was awful.”

Again, Derek put his hand on arm, this time leaving it there. “Oh Tiffany,” he said softly, “that is awful. I feel terrible. What a complete asshole.”

Tiffany looked at him gratefully and then, to Derek’s surprise, Tiffany smiled at him. It was a thin smile, all at once happy and cocky – almost smug. He withdrew his arm and sat back, unsettled by her sudden change in demeanor.

“Yes, he was an asshole,” Tiffany said through her smile. “And he got what he deserved.”

There was a flicker of devious delight in her gray eyes that made Derek a little nervous – and a little curious, too. Though Tiffany didn’t look like a fighter, there was no doubt she had a spine. Did she kill him? What? Don’t be an idiot Derek, she wouldn’t be here if she did. But looking into her eyes, he could see how the soft gray might turn to steel if she needed them to. He shuddered. And then asked anyway, “And what was that?” When Tiffany’s eyes locked on his, he could almost feel the heat radiating from them.

“Oh,” she said with a wicked little smirk, “I kicked him in the balls.”

Her tone was so composed, so confident, so…righteous!  that Derek’s body froze up. He wanted to laugh or cringe, anything to break the tension hanging over their table. Instead, he sat there staring at her dumbly. He didn’t even register Tiffany chuckling at his witless reaction.

“Close your mouth, Derek,” she said, reaching a hand across the table to close it for him. “Don’t look so shocked.”

He rubbed his eyes and when he looked at Tiffany, he saw a pleasant face and a petite body shrouded in long, flowing hair, and his mind just couldn’t reconcile the way she looked with what she’d just said. “I…I…you…you…what?” He stuttered and leaned forward, grabbing onto the table with boths hands like he was trying to keep from falling off the planet.

The obvious confusion in his eyes softened her and she smiled at him sympathetically. “Are you really that surprised?” She asked, not hiding the amusement in her voice. When Derek just sat there blinking, like he’d walked into a punch, Tiffany shrugged. “Haven’t you ever pissed off a girl so bad that she felt compelled to kick you in the nuts?”

That seemed to snap Derek out of his stupor. His head darted around quickly before settling back on Tiffany with a slight scowl. “What?” He whispered intensely, hoping she would follow suit and keep her voice low.

“Oh, c’mon Derek,” Tiffany said with feigned exasperation, her voice lowered, taking his cue. “Are you telling me you’ve never had a girl kick you in the balls before?”

“Absolutely not!” He whisper-roared, looking disgusted. “I’m no asshole.”

It was Tiffany’s turn to look taken aback. “Huh,” she mumbled, “you must be a unicorn then.” When he looked at her confused, she elaborated. “I just mean you’re a rare breed. I just always thought every guy has had a girl kick him there at least once in his life. But I guess I’m wrong.”

“Guess so,” he retorted, though his hands relaxed their grip on the table edge at her seemingly honest reevaluation. But before he could reign himself in his mouth got the better of him. “Is this something you’ve done often?”

Tiffany chuckled. “Well, no. Like I said, I’ve sworn off men for nearly a decade now so I haven’t really had the need.”

“That makes sense, I guess,” he admitted, trying to decipher her expression. Was she sad about that? His stomach clenched at the thought.

“You look a little uncomfortable, everything okay?”

“This isn’t something very comfortable discuss, at least on my end, wouldn’t you agree?” He half asked, half stated.

“I suppose not,” she said, chuckling again. “And yet, there’s something in your eyes. Something curious it seems.”

Was there? He tried to delve into his mind to see what his eyes might be giving away. There were so many thoughts going through his head that it was hard to tell what he was feeling. He latched onto the next thought swimming by in the sea of confusion that was his mind. “I guess I am curious about what happened after you kicked him.”

Tiffany stared out the window for a good long time trying to remember the details. “I think my kick honestly caught him off guard. He hit the ground like a sack of potatoes and just rolled around groaning. I remember watching him thinking how much I hoped he was hurting since I felt so sick myself. Funny thing is, the more I watched his agony, the more I was glad I did it. He really did deserve it. After a few minutes I said something like, ‘When I come back to get my stuff, you better not be here or I’ll kick you even harder.’ Then I left and went to a girlfriend’s. I found an apartment within the week and when I came back to get my stuff he made sure to disappear. I never saw him again,” she said, shrugging her shoulders.

“Jesus,” Derek mumbled, his mind processing the wide grin that came over Tiffany’s face when she admitted she was glad she’d done it. “I can’t even imagine.”

“Imagine what? Having your world crushed out the blue?” Tiffany asked in response to his mumbling.

“Yeah,” Derek conceded.

“It wasn’t that bad, actually. I mean, I was depressed, but my girlfriend didn’t mind me staying and I found a place pretty quick.” She stopped when she saw him shaking his head slowly as if that’s not what he meant. She stared at him for a moment and then it dawned on her. “Oh, you mean you can’t imagine what it’s like to be kicked. Yeah, that makes more sense. Unfortunately – or fortunately – I have no idea. But it sure looked like it hurt. Wow, so you weren’t lying, were you? Have you ever been hit there?”

Derek eyed her suspiciously, but answered truthfully. “I have. In sports a few times. And even though I was wearing a cup, it still hurt quite a bit. But they were accidents,” he added, implying that accidents were acceptable but willful strikes were beyond his ethical boundaries.

Catching his drift, Tiffany chirped, “So you don’t think I was right to kick him?”

Derek sighed and took stock of Tiffany’s expression. She looked put out that he would think she was in the wrong but also a little eager, like she was really enjoying this discussion. “I didn’t say that. I just think it was a pretty harsh thing to do.”

“He saw me as nothing more than a piece of freaking property!” Tiffany exclaimed. “And he shattered my self-confidence and our relationship. All I did was shatter his testicles.”

The sound of Tiffany losing her cool as she pled her case made Derek laugh in spite of the cringey testicle-shattering remark. “You may not be a piece of property, but you are a real piece of work, I’ll give you that,” he said, before checking his watch again. “Listen, I have to get going – ,”

“Fine,” Tiffany pouted. “I can see I’ve put you off.”

“I have to get going and was wondering if you’d care to join me. I’m feeling suddenly confined in here and I need some fresh air. Walk with me?” He asked, his eyebrows arching hopefully.

Tiffany held out her hand and let Derek pull her to her feet. “Thank you,” she said as they moved toward the door. “I really thought I’d blown it just now.”

Derek was laughing as the warm sunshine hit his face. “On the contrary. This little exchange really has me thinking.”

“Oh?” Tiffany asked in a do-tell tone.

“C’mon, let’s walk,” he said offering her the crook of his arm. “This got heavier than I’d intended, but as long as we’re in the deep end, let’s really open up.”

Tiffany shot him a quizzical look but took his arm and followed him down the street.

Free from the close walls and even closer ears inside the coffee shop, Derek felt a little more at ease with things. For a while they strolled in silence, enjoying the light breeze and humidity-free air. As they passed a corner park, Derek nodded over at the low L-shaped wall surrounding a bed of flowers. Taking his cue, Tiffany sat down as Derek joined her.

“What’s on your mind Derek?” Tiffany asked, wondering if his idea of going deeper had passed and that the moment was gone.

“Honestly?” He asked, searching her eyes.

“Of course,” she said in a sing-song voice.

“You really caught me off guard back there,” he admitted. “I’m sure I came across a little gruff – a little defensive.” Tiffany nodded her agreement but let him talk. “I wasn’t lying when I said I’ve never had a girl kick me, but…” He trailed off, absently rubbing the petal of a flower like it might present a genie that would grant him the right words to say. “I’ve wondered about it.”

At this, Tiffany arched a brow and Derek chuckled.

“Bear with me on this,” he said, flicking the petal away. “Ever since I can remember, I’ve watched movies or TV shows where some chick kicks a guy’s ass and I always thought how absurd that was. I’m a decent-sized guy in good shape and I don’t know a single girl that could beat me. And yet,” he paused, giving her another searching look to which she responded by giving him a coaxing smile, “the idea of it has always aroused me somehow. As disgusted as I may have seemed back there, I think that was partly a cover. The thought of you kicking your ex in the nuts kinda thrilled me. You really put my emotions into conflict.” He fell silent and looked down at his feet.

Tiffany let the silence hang, processing what Derek had just confessed. It was as if he, too, had awakened something inside her as well. She too got a thrill whenever she saw a woman take down a man in the movies. And after the initial emotional rollercoaster after the breakup, she realized she felt excited and aroused when she thought about kicking her ex. She’d always wanted to do it again – perhaps under different circumstances – but then she quit the dating scene and steered clear of any relationships and the desire eventually slipped her mind.

“I think I can relate, as strange as that may sound,” she began as Derek looked up at her with shocked but grateful eyes. “I, too, get a thrill when I see males get beat up by females in the movies. And like you, it’s always been that way with me. I used to imagine punching a guy in the face and knocking him down but never had the guts to try. Plus, I never found myself in a situation that called for it. Until my ex. And then I was far away from make-believe. I don’t know what came over me, but it was like a natural instinct to kick him where it counts. I didn’t even have to think about it. That’s why I was so surprised to learn you’ve never experienced it because if it’s somehow hard-wired into me, it must be hard-wired into a lot of girls.” She shook her head, smiling, as she plucked a chunk of mulch from the flower bed and flicked it away. “You want to know something funny?”

Derek nodded.

“It wasn’t until much later, after my fateful relationship, I learned that many of my girlfriends busted their hubbies’ balls rather regularly.” Tiffany laughed as Derek’s mouth turned down into a somewhat playful frown. “That’s what they called it. ‘Busting his balls.’ Personally, I like the sound of that.”

“It has a nice alliteration to it,” Derek conceded.

“I don’t know if any of their husbands like it, and I suspect they don’t, but it makes me smile to think of them doing it,” Tiffany confessed. She looked at Derek, wondering how much hope to put in her eyes. Evidently, it was the right amount. Derek stroked his chin thoughtfully and then turned his blue eyes on her.

“I gotta be honest,” he said, “I’ve never felt this vulnerable around a girl before. I feel so exposed. I mean, I’ve never told anyone this before. And yet,” he smiled a small but open smile, “I really feel quite comfortable. It’s kinda weird, but in a good way,” he added quickly, worried she might take it the wrong way.

Tiffany held his gaze and returned his smile. “I’m glad to hear that. I was truly worried that I’d blown it with you back at the coffee shop, but now it’s turned out better than I’d expected! I mean, I already knew we had a lot of common interests and views on things, but I never would have thought this would be one we’d share.”

“So you’d want to see me again?” Derek asked, hopefully.

“Of course!”

“Good,” he said, rising and offering his hand. “Who knows. Maybe one day you can help me find out what I’ve, uh, been wondering about.”

Taking his hand and rising herself, Tiffany smoothed her thigh-length skirt. Chuckling at his veiled reference, she was about to respond when she saw his eyes widen and panic running wild in them.

“Oh shit,” he mumbled, his head swiveling around as he tried to find cover.

“What is it?” Tiffany asked, now alarmed.

Looking over her shoulder, Derek said curtly, “It’s a long story…but…too late, dammit,” he added.

As his face fell in dismay, Tiffany wheeled around to see a very pale woman walking toward them. The fact that she was dressed in all in black probably didn’t help her ghostly appearance any, Tiffany thought. Nor did the jet black hair cropped around her face.

“I’m so sorry, Tiffany,” Derek whispered from behind her. “That girl headed toward us was stalking me and I thought I made it clear I didn’t want her around. I haven’t seen her for like a month and I thought I was finally rid of her.”

“Yeah,” Tiffany concurred, “you don’t strike me as the goth type.” She let go of Derek’s hand as the girl strutted up.

“Well, if it isn’t Derek,” the goth girl sneered. “Mr. I’m-too-good-for-you.”

“Don’t be like that Jules,” Derek said, stuffing his hands in his pockets and looking miserable. “You’re a fine girl, just not for me.”

“What,” Jules scoffed, “you like girls with goosebump titties?” She squinted at Tiffany like she was trying really to hard to see something that wasn’t there.

“Don’t be a bitch,” Derek said, straightening up in Tiffany’s defense as he saw the scowl break on her face.

“Ooooh, now I’m a bitch,” Jules said, drawing out the word ‘bitch’. “You don’t even know what a bitch I can be.”

Before he could stop her, Jules pushed Tiffany aside and faced Derek, standing with her hands on her hips.

“C’mon Jules,” Derek said, while looking over at Tiffany with an apologetic expression.

With Derek’s attention diverted, Jules took the opportunity to kick him in the balls with all the force she could muster. Her chunky black boots connected square and hard as Derek’s heels raised from the ground. A mocking sneer crossed her painted black lips as his eyes first went wide and then pinched together, his expression moving from shock to wounded betrayal. For a moment, Derek stood facing her, in a half crouch holding his balls, looking at her like a whipped puppy, but then he groaned, a sickly sound, and sank to his knees. At the sight, Jules tittered with condescending laughter. She felt movement to one side of her and turned to see Tiffany reaching out for her, like she was going to throttle her. Jules slapped her hands away and once again gave her a shove.

Despite the awful pain, Derek watched throught squinting eyes as Jules cast Tiffany aside. His adrenaline spiked and he gritted his teeth, forcing himself to his feet, as a fresh wave of pain ripped through him. “Leave her alone,” he growled, the hoarseness of his voice making it sound even more grave. He tried to grab her hand with what little strength he had left but Jules deftly danced away from his grasping hands. She pondered driving a right cross into Derek’s jaw and her fingers curled into a fist as she drew it back. Seeing what she was about to do, Derek quickly threw his hands up to protect himself. And that was when Jules decided to switch tactics.

With his hands hovering in front of his face, Jules abandoned her punch and drew back her leg instead. Planting on her left foot, she swung her right leg forward as her boot smashed his balls for a second time. When he fell down, rocking violently at her feet, both hands pressed tightly between his legs, Jules knew he wouldn’t be getting up for a good, long time. She watched him writhing in agony for a moment, thinking that if it was the last time she ever saw him, wasn’t it the perfect way to remember him?

“Bet you’ll never forget ol’ Jules now,” she sneered down at him. “Yup. Little ol’ Jules that crushed your jewels.” With that, she spun on her heels and strutted off, casting a sidelong glance at Tiffany. Even blocks away, Jules was still chuckling about that stupid, stunned, gaping-mouth expression on the sophisticated woman’s face as she looked at Derek rolling around on the ground.

Tiffany was in complete shock. What the hell had just happened? One minute she was having a lovely little soul-baring conversation with this good-looking guy and the next minute he’s rolling around on the ground sounding like he’s about to vomit because of some stupid goth girl. She knew she should probably kneel down and check on him but she felt rooted to the spot. She was mesmerized by what she was seeing. Even though it was completely uncalled for, there was still something powerful and titillating about seeing a man get his nuts kicked that hard by a girl. She felt sorry for him – she really did – but she also hoped his balls were really hurting bad from the girl’s kick, and it left her feeling like her emotions were waging a war inside of her. To watch him suffer or care for him? She wavered but then another coughing fit ravaged him.

It was too much. Tiffany knelt down beside him and placed a hand on his head. His brow was hot and damp. “Are you gonna be okay, Derek?” She asked softly.

“Oh god, my balls, Tiff,” he moaned. “They hurt so bad.”

Tiffany ran a finger down his cheek and then rubbed his back gently. “I bet they do,” she said, trying to make her voice as soothing as possible. “She really kicked you hard. Just try to breathe. I’m here.”

With one eye open a crack, Derek looked up at her. “It feels like they’re swelling up.” He lifted his hands away from his crotch and they both looked down.

Tiffany tried to stifle a gasp but couldn’t and Derek looked at her sharply, both eyes now open. “I think you’re right. I can see them pushing agains the fabric of your pants.”

Derek’s head rocked back and he groaned at her diagnosis. “Maybe I should go to the hospital,” he said, dabbing gingerly at his swollen testicles.

“Think you can walk?” Tiffany said, resting a hand gently on his, secretly hoping to get a feel of his swollen sack.

“No,” he admitted, “I don’t think so. At least not for a while.”

“Okay,” Tiffany said, rising to her feet. She pulled out her phone and called for an ambulance before kneeling again and caressing Derek’s brow and back as they waited in silence.

About ten minutes later the EMTs pulled up and hopped out of the ambulance. “What’s going on?” The bubbly blonde paramedic asked as she strolled toward them while her partner, a burly, barrel-chested man, worked on the rear doors.

Tiffany looked at Derek, unsure what to do. She didn’t want to talk over him. But when he nodded slightly to her and closed his eyes again, she tried to think of how to start.

“He’s, uh, had some, um, testicular trauma. He says he doesn’t think he can walk,” Tiffany said, answering the blonde EMT.

“Oh my,” she replied airily, as if it was no big deal. “Hey Don, can you grab the stretcher?”

Don wheeled it over and blanced a bit when his partner explained the situation. “Damn, bro, sorry to hear that,” he said to Derek as they lifted him onto the stretcher. Derek smiled weakly, trying to make it seem like it wasn’t the end of his world, which is exactly how it felt. Once they had him loaded in, Don jumped out and drove them to the hospital, leaving his partner to attend to Derek.

“I’m Daphne,” the blonde EMT began. “And you are?”

Derek mumbled, “I’m Derek.”

“Okay, Derek, can you tell me what happened?” Daphne asked matter-of-fact.

Derek stalled, glancing from Daphne to Tiffany and back to Daphne. He opened his mouth but then closed it again as Daphne reached down and pulled on his zipper.

She saw the panic in his eyes and reassured him. “Don’t worry, Derek, I just need to see what we’re dealing with. Go on with what happened.”

Feeling suddenly light-headed with his pulse racing, Derek shot Tiffany a pleading look.

“He doesn’t seem up to it yet,” Tiffany said as Daphne worked his belt. “We were sitting in the park when this girl he knew – she had apparently been stalking him – walked up. Anyway, this girl was being a complete bitch and then suddenly she just hauled off and kicked Derek in the nuts.”

Daphne’s head spun around and she stared hard at Tiffany.

“Actually,” Tiffany said, reading the mischievous gleam in the paramedic’s eye, “she kicked him twice. And pretty hard.”

“Twice, eh?” Daphne said without batting eye, though Tiffany couldn’t help but notice she put a hand to her mouth to cover a smile. “Well, let’s have a look.”

After easing his pants down, both Tiffany and Daphne sat staring with their mouths agape for a moment. Then Daphne reached down and slid Derek’s long penis to the side so they could be absolutely certain of what they were seeing.

“Jesus,” Tiffany whispered, unable to keep her thoughts from slipping out. Derek’s testicles were beet red and huge. The skin of his scrotum was stretched like an overinflated ballloon and just as shiny.

At the sound of Tiffany’s voice, Derek leaned up a little and looked down. “Oh fuck,” he cried. “Oh my god, my balls.”

Daphne immediately put a hand on his head and forced him to lay back. “Shhh,” she purred, “it’s gonna be alright. We’ll just get a cold compress and that should help out quite a bit.” As she reached for the compress, she tried to keep her face turned so that he wouldn’t see her alarm. She’d never seen testicles swollen like this before. She composed herself before gently applying the compress. “Can you hold it like this?” She asked Derek. He looked at her, straining to keep his eyes from drifting down below his waist and nodded.

By the time they arrived at the hospital, Daphne had Derek wrapped up in a flimsy gown and they slipped him off the stretcher into a wheelchair. The ER was surprisingly dead, so they were able to wheel him right into a room.

“You can wait with him if he doesn’t mind,” Daphne said to Tiffany. “Best of luck with everything,” she said to Derek as she wheeled the chair out of the room.

Derek looked at Tiffany and sighed, looking completely bewildered. Though he was still hurting plenty bad, he felt like he could function halfway decent now. “Well,” he started. “That was embarrassing.”

Tiffany measured him before answering, wanting to be sure she was reading him correctly. “What was embarrassing? Getting kicked in the balls? By a girl? Getting kicked in the balls by a girl – in front of me? Having to go to the hospital all because she kicked you in the balls? Having me tell the female paramedic that a girl kicked you in the balls? Having me and her see your swollen balls?”

“Okay, okay,” Derek said, laughing and holding up his hands. “You can quit saying ‘kicked in the balls’. I get it. And all of it was embarrassing.” He started to laugh again but then a fit of coughing siezed him. “Don’t make me laugh. I can’t handle it yet,” he said, clutching his stomach.

“I’m sorry,” Tiffany said, though her tone made it clear she wasn’t really that sorry. “Just trying to lighten the mood.” She started to giggle herself but then the doctor walked in.

“Hi,” she said, stretching out a hand to Derek, “I’m Dr. Roth.”

“Derek,” he said, taking her hand.

When the doctor extended her hand to Tiffany, she shook it. “I’m Tiffany.”

Introductions aside, Dr. Roth glanced at the chart and then peered at Tiffany, though it was Derek she was talking to. “Says here you got kicked in the testicles?”

Tiffany’s eyes went wide when she realized Dr. Roth’s insinuation. “Oh no,” she began.

“So you didn’t get kicked in the testicles?” Dr. Roth looked from one to the other.

“I did,” Derek answered as Dr. Roth sighed heavily.

“But I didn’t do it,” Tiffany added.

Dr. Roth shook her head. “Okay. So your testicles did get kicked, but not by her. It doesn’t really matter,” she said, lifting Derek’s gown.

She could say that as much as she wants, Tiffany thought, but it sure seemed like the doctor was really hoping it was Tiffany who had done the kicking.

“Hmm,” Dr. Roth said, taking Derek’s testicles in both hands. “There is quite a bit of swelling.” Derek winced as she rolled them through her fingers even though her touch was gentle. “But good news. They’ll probably bruise heavily and be sore for a while, but everything feels right as rain otherwise.” She dropped Derek’s gown back into place and stood. “Still, I’d put a cold compress on them for about fifteen minutes every four to six hours. Any questions?”

Derek looked at the floor for a beat. “You’re sure I’ll be okay?”

“You’ll be fine,” Dr. Roth assured him, looking over her glasses. “But I’d suggest you take care to protect yourself a little better. Whether it was this one or not,” she said, flicking her eyes in Tiffany’s direction, clearly not believing Tiffany, “as you have now learned, I’m sure, girls can do a lot of damage. You’re free to get dressed and go when you’re ready.”

After the doctor left and he’d dressed, zipping his pants very carefully, Derek noticed Tiffany giving him a funny little look. “What is it?” He asked against his better judgment.

“Oh, I was just thinking,” Tiffany smirked good-naturedly. “I guess you’re no longer a unicorn.”

“What?” Derek asked, his features creasing in confusion.

“You’ve now joined the vast majority of the male population. You’ve had a girl kick you in the balls.” Tiffany watched Derek bristle momentarily at her smug candor. “And while I’m very sad I wasn’t the one to do it, I am curious about how you feel.”

Derek stared at her. Was she being for real? As he gazed into her eyes, he realized she was. And while she was teasing him, he could see that she really did want to know. He put his hands in his pockets, gazing at the floor as he collected his thoughts.

“It hurt way worse than I thought it would,” Derek admitted straightaway. “And it doesn’t feel like it’s ever going to stop hurting.” When Tiffany flashed him a curious look, he added, “I mean, it’s not debilitating now like it was back at the park, but it’s still hurting more than I would’ve thought. But at least I can function.” His serious features broke into a grin. “The crazy thing is that while I’m super pissed about Jules and how unfair that was, I don’t know what I can do about it. It sucks that she’s just out there living her life while I’m going to have a hard time walking for a while.” He shifted on his feet looking perplexed and Tiffany chuckled. He looked up at her sharply.

“Oh, don’t get your panties in a wad,” she admonished lightly. “I agree, it is unfair. But I suppose that’s life,” she said, shrugging her shoulders.

“It’s embarrassing is what it is,” Derek said, looking her in the eye to let her know he would own the embarrassment. “All at once I hate it and I love it.” His lips curved into a smile as Tiffany’s eyes went wide. “Yeah, you heard me. Right when it happened, I hated it. It was the worst feeling of my life. But now, thinking about it, I love it. Even though Jules was completely unjustified in doing it, it feels right to me that she did. In fact, as long as everything heals up like the doctor said it would, I actually think I’m glad she chose to kick me like that. Girl power is pretty sexy.”

Tiffany grinned to hear him say so. “Girl power is sexy,” she cooed. “I did feel bad for you, but honestly, it was a thrill to see it. I’m sure you don’t understand, but it’s just so great when a girl simply hauls off and kicks a guy in the balls as hard as she can. The way he falls holding himself…mmmm.” She caught herself indulging and looked at Derek, but he was looking down below his belt.

“Oh wow,” he said, more to himself than Tiffany, as he ran a hand up his thigh. “I’m actually getting hard.”

Tiffany’s grin widened. “That’s awesome! To be honest, I’m a little turned on, too.”

Derek looked up at her and a devious grin broke on his face. “I think I might owe you a little something for sticking with me through all of this. How about when I get to feeling better, you, uh, you know - ,” he said, trailing off.

Tiffany eyed him and then beamed. “I would love to! Oh, I hope they get back to normal soon,” she exclaimed, clapping her hands happily. “Mmm. Oh yeah. I can hardly wait! Oh, Derek, it would absolutely make my day to kick you in the balls as hard as I can,” she purred as Derek watched the purest of delight steal upon her face. “I’ll kick your balls so hard you won’t be able to stop yourself from crumbling at my feet.” Tiffany wrung her hands and sighed. “To see you curled up because of me, nursing your painful, busted balls would be a dream.”

While Tiffany looked heavenward, filled with ecstasy, Derek gently cupped himself and gulped. What had he just done? He lifted his gown and looked down, shaking his head. After taking in Tiffany’s gleeful acceptance of his unspoken proposition, he doubted his testicles would ever truly get back to normal. He looked at the skin stretched taut over their massive, swollen bulk and wondered: is this just the new normal?

[Erica Noelle Wang]

Love this!